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Newest Member: Dha0128 (46042)

User Topic: Pulled myself out of the rabbit hole
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to do this the other day. Who else is going too? I was sinking and was going to make my H pay. I was miserable feeling this way but its like I couldn't stop myself. I knew I needed to figure out WHY I was doing it.

We were invited to the boat of one of his friends to have a BBQ and a ride. I rejected it. Told him I didn't want to go. That me and the kids would stay behind. I didn't feel like being around interesting, successful people who own boats so stop asking! Crap eh?

Well...I then walked in on my parents disconnecting (they do this daily) and once I saw that I told myself that I didn't want this for my own M. I asked myself WHY I was rejecting my H and this fun family offer.

I came up with the fact that I am now estranged with my girfriend of 25 years "because of him". She has rejected the idea that the four of us be friends again. She will accept me but not my H because as she wrote me, "I am an emotional person and if I don't feel something, then I don't do it and right now, I am not feeling it."

Yeah. Let's operate on emotion alone and see how far that gets all of us!

Anyway, I thought, "why should I do this for him when he had an A and broke our foursome up?" Then I realized that my friend is assisting rather nicely in this break up. That we have both offerd to talk. That notes have been written to her. To no avail. He could have made different choices. She can make them now too. She is choosing not too.

Anyway...I had a tea, washed my face and told him we would all go together. He was thrilled! It was a pretty good night afterall.

I was glad I stopped and thought about where it was all coming from and not to let emotions rule.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2677 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good girl!

It seems you figured this out, but I will mention it anyways

I came up with the fact that I am now estranged with my girfriend of 25 years "because of him".

Your husband fucked up, big time.

He has taken steps to heal and grow with you in your marriage.

His actions may have caused a reaction with your friend, but it is not his "fault" she is unable to take this journey with the two of you. It's hers to own. She is missing out on a big lesson here, there is so much to learn and so much value in this road we have to take. Being a friend of yours would allow her to see the growth and healing you have to go through to create a marriage that is what many hope for in life.

She doesn't have that in her and cannot give you what you need right now. It's her loss and really, not your husband's fault.

She wasn't able to stand up to this test in your foursome friendship. Don't lay that blame on your husband's shoulders...he is carrying enough of his own stuff right now.

(((hugs)))

Enjoy the boat ride and the bbq, I am glad you decided to go. Being passive aggressive and not going to spite someone else would only end up hurting yourself and staining the hard work you and he have done.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Hatemyhusband
41633
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree w karma
Don't "blame" friend's lack of compassion as a friend to be there for u be his fault. A true friend is there for one and support and encourages her decision. My friends have been fabulous, telling me they worry about me and my mental health but know I will do what is best for me and only I can determine what is.
This journey is tough enough wo having unsupportive people in your life. A true friend doesn't set conditions for friendship. It may not be a bad idea tht the foursome is broken up
After all.

Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2013
Zengirl
♀ 42195
Member # 42195
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Such a great post. This kind of strength and growth is what I'm trying to point myself toward in my own journey. Thanks for sharing a perfect example of what that looks like in real life.

I'm so glad you were able to crawl out of that hole and have a fun family night, after all.


Me (BW): 40
Married: 15 years
3 kids
D-Day: 10/13

Posts: 164 | Registered: Jan 2014
devasted30
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, congratulations for crawling out of the rabbit hole all by yourself. I know how hard it is. I am still trying to find ways to do this too. And also it's great that you saw what you were doing, knew it was the incorrect response in this situation and did the "mature" (I am using this term ever so loosely because really, we are the mature ones here) thing and agreed to participate in what sounds like ended up being a fun time.
But, I agree with karmahappens, your girlfriend needs to grow up and mature here for real. I find it strange that your best friend isn't there to support you. My ex-best friend deserted me when my Mom died. I was so hurt. Then I realized, what kind of a best friend would do that to another friend. It was obvious that I valued our friendship way more then she ever did. We are no longer friends and truth be told, after a couple of years I realized, I didn't miss her. That being said, if she ever called me and needed help, I would be here for her. But, life is too short and precious to waste time with someone who doesn't love you the way you deserve. Friendships are like marriages, they take work on both sides. I am afraid that if your friend really truly cared about you, she would be there All The Time!!
I am not sure you have really lost that much here. I feel that things happen for a reason and there are many types of friends. Some come and go quickly, some stay longer and we benefit from them and others are here forever and make a huge difference in our lives. Perhaps your friend has fulfilled her purpose in your life and it is time to move on for you both. Maybe the dynamics of the friendship will change and it will be an occasional friendship with obvious limitations, but regardless do you really want or need a friend like that. I bet not.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1446 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really value the responses I rec'd so far. You have all said something really impt. Karmahappens, you have been a big support where this friend is concerned.

I just wanted to clarify what you already suspected karma...

I came up with the fact that I am now estranged with my girfriend of 25 years "because of him".

This is what I was mad about BUT...I realized it was NOT "real". I was able to recognize that my friend was and is not being fair. At first I wanted to hold onto this so-called reason to justify my shitty behaviour but knew that was wrong. Knew it was wrong bc her behaviour RIGHT NOW says more about her then his past PAST actions.

My H wrote her and her H a letter following D-Day. Not making excuses but apologzing for hurting me so much. He also asked to meet with her last year at this time so she could express her feelings. She cancelled. He has tried.

Being a friend of yours would allow her to see the growth and healing you have to go through to create a marriage that is what many hope for in life.

This is what I truly wanted her to see and not just read from my emails of the last 18 months or so. But she cannot get to this place and it is truly her loss. She has offered to be there for me when it comes to lonliness being away from home/missing friends, etc. But like hatemyhusbandwrote.....

This journey is tough enough wo having unsupportive people in your life. A true friend doesn't set conditions for friendship. It may not be a bad idea tht the foursome is broken up

life is too short and precious to waste time with someone who doesn't love you the way you deserve. Friendships are like marriages, they take work on both sides

very true devastated. And when I look back over the many summers and Christmases that I have visited over the last 9 years, it was always me initiating esp in the past four. Always me trying to accomodate her timeline, trying to get our kids together. I am her son's godmother and she is godmother to one of mine. I have never dropped that ball with her child. She has let some of my visits go by w/o seeing my kids. That really hurt.

Also, I can count at least 6 "BEST" friends she has dropped since I met her 25 years ago. I never thought I would be one of them but I should not be surprised. She recently told me of her "new best friend...well, you know not my best friend but someone I really like" and how similar they are and how they can just talk and agree. Whatever. It sounds totally boring to me.

We had a great time with my H's friend on the boat. This friend was an interesting guy and interested in me as a person, wife and mom.

Glad the post was helpful to you Zengirl. I felt I got to that place by being very intentional with my thoughts, feeling my feelings and moving on to do the right thing. I know I wont always get there but this time I did.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2677 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
hopefull77
♀ 43221
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey LA was wondering where you were...I always look forward to your posts....
love the rabbit hole story....I am getting better at it myself....do not isolate yourself!!!
As far as that 'friend' ....bye bye....do you need a selfish person in your life?....the last person you need to worry about is someone who can't see beyond the nose on their face...besides who made her judge and jury!!
Now on a lighter side...we have friends who spend their money on boats and fancy cars...it's fun to reap the benefits of their success ....a nice thank you note a bottle of wine and you are good to go!!!
Last year we went to Kauai with friends who rent a house for a month every year....they have pestered us to come for the last few years....all it cost was airfare....we went and had a ball!!!!
Forward motion my dear....forward motion!!!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 704 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
hopefull77
♀ 43221
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ps...I 'divorced' a friend back in 2008....she was a ton of fun but incredibly toxic....gossip was her middle name...I have never done this before in my entire life....I have friends since 1st grade...
when I did this we lost an entire group of friends....I think H was upset because the men were all pals too....
people come and go....some stay....some go....I don't miss those people...


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 704 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey hopefull, flattered that you like my posts. Yes, this is a new person - his is actually mentoring my H and extended the invite to all of us next time we were in town. And...here we are!

This is the last summer my parents will have their house so we are going to be with them for a couple more weeks and my friend knows I am here in town.

I never saw my friend as selfish...more-so she has always had this righteous anger thing going on. She thinks she has all the answers. She also thinks is the NOT a conflict avoider but she is the worst kind of CA - the kind that thinks they are not a CA!

I think my friend has a good heart but she is not forgiving and never has been to be honest. I sure hope her own kids keep their major screw ups from her!

Like your H, I know my H will miss her H and some of the friends. Whenever we were in town they would watch whatever sporting event was on and share laughs. This is what is so hard for her to understand - how he could be so "normal" and hang out with them...and do what he did. She doesn't get that he was in his own little compartmentalized world. She would rather sit there and be angry and let her emotions decide her relationships instead of trying to understand or even just show compassion.

Sadly, I know she will sit back and tell herself that she has done the right thing by letting us go and it is my loss. She will tell herself that she is better off bc I am one more of those people who just doesn't get it.

[This message edited by LA44 at 9:36 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2677 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 9

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