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sisoon posted 7/6/2014 16:58 PM

3.5 years out - I think of my W's A every day, but now it's as if it happened before we committed to each other.

My IC says that makes some sense to her, since we've built something new since d-day, but ... we got married a long time before her A, and I've always thought that was commitment enough.

Any other long-term R folks do this?

Jrazz posted 7/6/2014 17:03 PM

I don't think you're crazy.

Your question gave me pause. I don't think I can relate or chime in on this, because Crazz and I have been married for 6 years. Dday was the halfway mark as of exactly now. I don't even know what that means.

As for your situation, you and your wife were married for so long before Dday that I don't think I could possibly look at our relationships in same context.

But crazy? Nah. You have a very considerate approach to so many things, that if it feels natural to you to put things in a certain context I would trust it.

karmahappens posted 7/6/2014 17:03 PM

Hey Sisoon

but now it's as if it happened before we committed to each other.

I am sorry, can you explain more?

I definitely thought about the A daily at 3.5 you aren't crazy there.

But I don't understand the other piece...

bionicgal posted 7/6/2014 17:30 PM

I think sisoon is saying it feels like the A was with someone before they really met, like it feels like a boyfriend she had before they got married -- even though that isn't chronologically true.

I have read other waywards say this, that they think of the A the same way they do people their spouse slept with before they got married. For a while this perplexed me, but I am starting to totally get it.

brokensoul73 posted 7/6/2014 17:31 PM

You're not crazy, I'm feeling the same way at 2.5 years past dday

rachelc posted 7/6/2014 17:48 PM

I do feel occasional glimpses of this.... More like, that's what happened before we were real people or something..

thecosmogirl posted 7/6/2014 17:52 PM

I would like a glass of what your drinking. And make it a double.
Lol, I don't think it's crazy. I think it sounds terrific. I would like to know how to do that, too.

DixieD posted 7/6/2014 18:11 PM

I don't know if it's the same as what you are describing sisoon, but there is a definite pre-A/post-A relationship for me. I'm one of those spouses where the old marriage died. Gone. Buried. Finished. There was my husband of then (who I don't have fond memories of and hope to never see again) and my husband of now, who is awesome.

I've not blended the affair well into the landscape of the marriage as a whole like I know some BS do. I don't like to think about the past. That is when I will get sad. I don't like to be reminded of how it was . I enjoy the present and what we've built in the here and now. I don't recognize those two people living in that past life. But I've wondered if that's just compartmentalization on my part.

karmahappens posted 7/6/2014 18:33 PM

Thanks BG

So, if BG is correct with her understanding, it is not something I have done.

I think we all process and see situations differently.

Does this way of seeing the A make it easier for you to process? Or different?

You of all people aren't even close to crazy...

hopefull77 posted 7/6/2014 18:36 PM

Thanks sisoon
this makes me hopefull! I sometimes get a small glimpse of that feeling...we have been married 37 years now.
I think our long history together has played a huge part of our ability to keep moving forward....
This won't be a distant memory but it will settle into our PAST eventually...
and no you aren't crazy!

musiclovingmom posted 7/6/2014 19:13 PM

We have not been married very long at all. And, his A's all happened before we were actually married (though we lived together and had a child already). That said, I totally understand this thought that the A was pre-commitment. What I've realized is that I committed to him well before he committed to me. I didn't need the wedding ceremony to have that level of commitment to him. It hurt for a long time that he wasn't as committed as I was. But now, though it doesn't make it hurt less, it does help me feel more secure. He understands a different level of commitment now than he did pre-A. And, we both know that my commitment is more than just words. So, no, I don't think you're crazy.

Time Ticks On posted 7/6/2014 19:45 PM

I do that too ! I thought I was crazy or odd for thinking of it that way. At least if I'm crazy , there are many people on the crazy train with me

Thanks for sharing. I feel more normal now

sisoon posted 7/7/2014 00:30 AM

That's it exactly, bg - I've always felt that what she did with someone else before committing to me was none of my business, and vice versa. We were free agents. Previous sexual experience was neither here nor there for me, and for the past few weeks, I feel almost as if she conducted her A when she was a free agent. A year ago - and probably 6 months ago, too - I felt as if her A was a cataclysmic betrayal.

I'm also viewing her A as a sickness for which I have a lot of sympathy. After all, she's still struggling to heal, and I reached acceptance and basically restored my sense of worth some months ago.

Don't get me wrong - logically/intellectually, I know her A was a terrible betrayal; it just doesn't feel that way any more.

I'm very surprised.

callmesteph posted 7/7/2014 01:33 AM

I was thinking something along this line several weeks ago...that during my WH's 2 1/2 yr A, we we both living separate lives....although lived in the same house, shared 23y companionship (12 yr M)...we were living parallel lives. I felt like a single mom back then and although I was fully committed to him out entire M, he was not. So he played the "free agent" and lived his single life. In a weird way, processing that made me feel a little bit better.

I'm also viewing her A as a sickness for which I have a lot of sympathy. After all, she's still struggling to heal, and I reached acceptance and basically restored my sense of worth some mon
ths ago.

That's great! I'm still new to this so hoping to get there someday! WH is truly remorseful and says it's all out of his system. He is now 100% committed to me our children so I'm very optimistic about our future.

You're definitely not crazy and I thank you for reinforcing what I was visualizing!

AML04 posted 7/7/2014 06:30 AM

I hope to reach this point. I don't think it's crazy at all!!

I couldn't care less about who he was with before me. If they were "all that", he wouldn't be with me. I am beyond the point of thinking he's staying with me because he felt he had to and I know he doesn't want OW. Now I need to work on believing he can be happy with me for the long haul. But who wouldn't want to be with me?? I'm awesome!!

bionicgal posted 7/7/2014 06:51 AM

I definitely see glimpses of this...Both the acceptance (gasp!) of the behavior being wholly separate from me, as if it happened before me, and of having empathy for my husband when he was a total mess. I spend a good portion of my time there, but am still early enough out that I still get the triggers, waves of pain, etc. I am thankful for SIers like you, Sisoon, for paving the way and shining a light so that people behind you can see.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:36 AM, July 7th (Monday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 7/7/2014 11:37 AM

Not crazy at all. I can completely relate. ....unless we are both crazy...

99% of the time my feelings about the OM's are no different than any other ex's.

What we have built since Dday is so far removed from the life we ever had before. I am so much different (good and bad). She is so much different (good). The dynamics of the relationships between us, our family and others are shockingly differnt. It really does feel like an all new life.

I also fall into the "sickness" belief. I know as well she does, that she betrayed and harmed herself way more than she harmed me.

The only not so smooth days lately are ones where some old dynamics start sneaking back in. But with our new communication ability we usually get to the root of it quick and change course.

Crazy or not... I think its healthy.

Rebreather posted 7/7/2014 11:50 AM

Sisoon, I think you are the least crazy person in the history of ever. So, not crazy is my verdict.

I'd say I have done something like this, and worried that I was compartmentalizing or dissassociating or something. But I do kind of put his AP in the box of "other sexual partners." Instead of it being labeled "Ginormous Betrayal", it is now labeled "Shit That Happened That Doesn't Involve Me."

I don't ever want to rug sweep the pain though, but it seems to work. It takes a lot of time to squeeze this into a different box. And I keep the box on a mental shelf so I can look at it if I need to. But I really don't need to any more. The box got opened a LOT for a long time, but now it is pretty dusty.

I think it's acceptance.

Crushed15Feb13 posted 7/7/2014 12:42 PM

I am relieved to hear that even Sisoon thinks of the A daily. It makes me feel less weak-minded that I do.

I wonder though, if its possible that what Sisoon is referring to is sort of a BS-version of the Fog? That is, I have read that WS's often rewrite the marital history to facilitate their decision to engage in the affair - to assuage the guilt over betraying their partner, etc. Could what Sisoon describes be an example of the BS rewriting the marital history to facilitate Reconcilation in some way?

That said, I do prefer his IC's thoughts on it.

[This message edited by Crushed15Feb13 at 12:44 PM, July 7th (Monday)]

lordhasaplan? posted 7/7/2014 21:24 PM

Yes your as crazy, just as the rest of us that found a path through. In the end it really is a new marriage. This thought means your close to truly accepting that fact. Now go consummate your new marrage and enjoy.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 9:25 PM, July 7th (Monday)]

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