My IC says that makes some sense to her, since we've built something new since d-day, but ... we got married a long time before her A, and I've always thought that was commitment enough.
Any other long-term R folks do this?
Your question gave me pause. I don't think I can relate or chime in on this, because Crazz and I have been married for 6 years. Dday was the halfway mark as of exactly now. I don't even know what that means.
As for your situation, you and your wife were married for so long before Dday that I don't think I could possibly look at our relationships in same context.
But crazy? Nah. You have a very considerate approach to so many things, that if it feels natural to you to put things in a certain context I would trust it.
but now it's as if it happened before we committed to each other.
I am sorry, can you explain more?
I definitely thought about the A daily at 3.5 years...so you aren't crazy there.
But I don't understand the other piece...
I have read other waywards say this, that they think of the A the same way they do people their spouse slept with before they got married. For a while this perplexed me, but I am starting to totally get it.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”
D-day 14 June 2013
I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!
I've not blended the affair well into the landscape of the marriage as a whole like I know some BS do. I don't like to think about the past. That is when I will get sad. I don't like to be reminded of how it was . I enjoy the present and what we've built in the here and now. I don't recognize those two people living in that past life. But I've wondered if that's just compartmentalization on my part.
So, if BG is correct with her understanding, it is not something I have done.
I think we all process and see situations differently.
Does this way of seeing the A make it easier for you to process? Or different?
You of all people aren't even close to crazy...
Thanks for sharing. I feel more normal now
What doesn't kill me, scars me.
I'm also viewing her A as a sickness for which I have a lot of sympathy. After all, she's still struggling to heal, and I reached acceptance and basically restored my sense of worth some months ago.
Don't get me wrong - logically/intellectually, I know her A was a terrible betrayal; it just doesn't feel that way any more.
I'm very surprised.
I'm also viewing her A as a sickness for which I have a lot of sympathy. After all, she's still struggling to heal, and I reached acceptance and basically restored my sense of worth some mon
That's great! I'm still new to this so hoping to get there someday! WH is truly remorseful and says it's all out of his system. He is now 100% committed to me our children so I'm very optimistic about our future.
You're definitely not crazy and I thank you for reinforcing what I was visualizing!
I couldn't care less about who he was with before me. If they were "all that", he wouldn't be with me. I am beyond the point of thinking he's staying with me because he felt he had to and I know he doesn't want OW. Now I need to work on believing he can be happy with me for the long haul. But who wouldn't want to be with me?? I'm awesome!!
[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:36 AM, July 7th (Monday)]
99% of the time my feelings about the OM's are no different than any other ex's.
What we have built since Dday is so far removed from the life we ever had before. I am so much different (good and bad). She is so much different (good). The dynamics of the relationships between us, our family and others are shockingly differnt. It really does feel like an all new life.
I also fall into the "sickness" belief. I know as well she does, that she betrayed and harmed herself way more than she harmed me.
The only not so smooth days lately are ones where some old dynamics start sneaking back in. But with our new communication ability we usually get to the root of it quick and change course.
Crazy or not... I think its healthy.
I'd say I have done something like this, and worried that I was compartmentalizing or dissassociating or something. But I do kind of put his AP in the box of "other sexual partners." Instead of it being labeled "Ginormous Betrayal", it is now labeled "Shit That Happened That Doesn't Involve Me."
I don't ever want to rug sweep the pain though, but it seems to work. It takes a lot of time to squeeze this into a different box. And I keep the box on a mental shelf so I can look at it if I need to. But I really don't need to any more. The box got opened a LOT for a long time, but now it is pretty dusty.
I think it's acceptance.
I wonder though, if its possible that what Sisoon is referring to is sort of a BS-version of the Fog? That is, I have read that WS's often rewrite the marital history to facilitate their decision to engage in the affair - to assuage the guilt over betraying their partner, etc. Could what Sisoon describes be an example of the BS rewriting the marital history to facilitate Reconcilation in some way?
That said, I do prefer his IC's thoughts on it.
[This message edited by Crushed15Feb13 at 12:44 PM, July 7th (Monday)]
[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 9:25 PM, July 7th (Monday)]