SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

gabear posted 7/6/2014 17:06 PM

Been together 7 years, married for 5. We survived a deployment in 11-12. His coming home was harder than expected as his job wasn't there for him when he returned so we lived on unemployment for a long time. The unemployment paid more than any of the jobs he found. Which led to him being home all the time. I thought we were ok. I was wrong. June 29th this year I needed to use his phone. I found pictures then an app called kik. There were messages at least 2 months back almost daily discussing sex and how much they loved each other. Of course I freaked out and he wasn't home at the time. When he did come home he told me she lived in England and they had been talking for over a year. I was floored. I had no idea no suspicions no clue we were in trouble. He says he felt worthless not working and originally she was just someone to talk to. Then last July he got a job where he traveled and was only home on weekends. Apparently that's when the sex talk stuff started because he was lonely. He says he has been wanting to end it for a while but didn't know how. Well he called her with me sitting there and broke it off with her. Deleted all pictures that I know of and deleted the kik app.
My problem is I am crushed. I feel like such a fool. I love him so much and still can't believe he would do this to me. Yesterday I had my first flash of anger and it scared me. I am not a confrontational person by nature. How do I deal with all this? He seems genuine in his remorse and says he is committed to only me but I already had believed that all along and I was wrong.

woundedwoman posted 7/6/2014 17:19 PM

Hi, gabear.

I'm sorry you are here.

I'm presently awaiting results from STD testing. I will tell you, I should have gotten tested months ago, but I didn't. I was too ashamed. Hubby had two clean STD tests, so I figured I was okay. Now, after more education, I realize I wasn't safe.

I felt like a fool. My heart broken. My confidence really took a dive...I think it's coming back. But I'm not the same woman I was before. And I never, ever in a million years would have thought I'd be a betrayed spouse. My husband went to a massage parlor. Once. One time, but that's all it takes.

Have you seen the movie Frozen? There's a line from one of the songs, "That perfect girl is gone." I've been thinking about having that tattooed to my body (I have no tattoos). Because everyone thought I was the perfect girl with the perfect husband and perfect life.

I'm still healing, so my advise might not be the best.

Get tested for STDs. Find a marriage counselor.

I'm almost 8 months out and I went from bad days all. the. time. I had a breakdown in the supermarket-yes, a complete breakdown. then I went to having good days and bad days, to now...just a few bad moments. It's kinda like a broken bone that hurts on a rainy day.

I send you hugs and strength.

mchercheur posted 7/6/2014 18:21 PM

Hi (((gabear))),
Welcome to SI. I am so sorry that you had to find yourself here with the rest of us BSs, but you will find a lot of support, comfort, & knowledge here. All of us BSs know exactly how you feel.
Make sure your drink enough water, if you can't eat, drink protein drinks, & if you can't sleep, go to the doctor for sleeping pills.
Even if your WH is remorseful, you have a long road ahead of you, since it takes time to heal from this trauma. Please read the articles in the Healing Library,& also those with the bullseyes----they will help you immensely.
Sending you strength.

Bookworm428 posted 7/6/2014 20:16 PM

So sorry you're having to go through this. As a military wife, I feel like I can relate to what you're going through. My WH and I always said if we could get through a deployment together, nothing would ever be as bad as that. I found out recently that was WRONG. This is the worst thing I've ever gone through in my life. It's so painful and you're going to fluctuate. Myself, I've fluctuated between anger and guilt. Anger at him (justified) and guilt because I love him so much and feel like he's a great guy, so it must have been something I did. Some days I am so angry and depressed, I do nothing at all. Some days I do everything around the house and cook and clean and act like a 50's wife to try to make him love me the way I thought he did before. You may go through this, or you may be different--everyone reacts differently. The thing to keep in mind is: You're not alone. We're all going through the same thing together. It's different situations, but the emotions are the same. Make sure right now you focus on taking care of yourself--making sure you eat and sleep properly. This sounds dumb, but I (and from what I've seen, lots of others) lost weight after finding out. I couldn't sleep and I had a lot of stress related health problems. We're all here for you if you need advice or to vent or anything. Keep your chin up. Sorry if I can't offer anything more substantial.

gabear posted 7/6/2014 20:24 PM

Thank you all for the support. Taking care of myself has always been a problem because I take care of everyone else. Now it's even harder. I do go back and forth with anger and guilt at the moment. And bookworm you're right there are days I just want to veg and not move then days where someone would swear I was on speed. Plan on visiting my Dr soon for at least maybe some sleep meds. My diabetes is still ok and under control at this point but I have to force myself to eat sometimes even though there is zero appetite.

gabear posted 7/7/2014 09:47 AM

Stumbled across an email address of his I didn't know existed. He is at work right now so I can't ask him anything. Feels like I just shattered all over again. I thought we agreed on full disclosure then I found this. I have access to all of his known accounts. I don't want to be "that" woman that snoops and questions everything. That is so tiring and annoying. I just want the situation to be over. I can't eat because I'm so sick to my stomach. Just want to curl into a ball and cry. Or go to sleep and not wake up. Not sure I can make it through this. Only thing keeping me somewhat grounded are the kids. They keep asking what is wrong and I can't tell them (ages 11 & 14). Even worse we are supposed to get my step kids this weekend and I don't know how to deal with it all. I'm barely taking care of myself how am I supposed to take care of my step son who is diabetic and needs constant looking after? Feel so broken - sorry I skip around a lot my thoughts are really scattered

norabird posted 7/7/2014 11:28 AM

Don't blame yourself for looking. You would not have to if he didn't lie to you. What was in the email account?

Sunnydaysahead posted 7/7/2014 14:18 PM

Unfortunately, you have to be "that woman who snoops" when infidelity is a factor. As nice as it sounds, we can't just wish away their selfish behavior.

gabear posted 7/8/2014 06:31 AM

He came home from work and had no problems giving me the password. He needed a hotmail account for his original set up on his laptop. It was harmless - still had the welcome email in the inbox and nothing else. I was relieved but that was after the fact of making myself so sick all day. My gut was twisted in knots all day. It was like waiting for the last straw to break me. The mental anguish is bad enough but I don't know how much more my body can take. This morning every joint and muscle aches from being so wound up yesterday. I even took nyquil to be able to sleep. I have a Dr appt set up for next week (earliest could get in) hopefully get some of the physical stuff under control. My sugars have been way off. I try to keep eating but I feel so sick even at the thought of food so it's mostly crackers lately.
Sorry for rambling but this is my only "therapy" at the moment. My favorite part of the day is in the morning when I first wake up. For those precious few moments I don't remember. All is good in the world. Then reality smacks me. Sometimes hard. Then I have to motivate myself just to get up out of bed. I wish I could just veg there some days but I know that's not doing me any favors. So I get up, take my meds and soldier on. I understand it's a day to day process. It's just really hard some days. Thanks for letting be here. Reading other posts and the articles in the library are all that get me through sometimes.

gabear posted 7/9/2014 13:45 PM

Today has been ok. Not great but ok. I even baked banana bread from scratch :). Cooking for me is theraputic - set list of what to do. Feel somewhat in control in my rather chaotic mind.

ckss4 posted 7/9/2014 13:55 PM

So sorry to hear you are a member of this club. I am new here, a month tomorrow and I hate to say it, but it is still unbelievably painful everyday. I too found my husband was chatting with woman on the Kik app....sad I know about that app now. It was so easy for him to hide it, he tells me he deleted it everyday and then reinstalled it the next day....sadly, he deleted all the pix and comments, so I just have to take his word. It all sucks and I can't believe the man who I loved coud cause so much destruction.

gabear posted 7/9/2014 22:17 PM

I just found yet another fake email and all the sites he goes to. I am devestated all over again - if only he would be honest about it all and not destroy me daily

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/10/2014 01:24 AM

I think you're saying how most of us feel. I also learned the whole truth by finding a secret account. Can't eat. Can't sleep. Trying to be a good wife when I just want to slap him. I'm sorry there are so many of us who believe in marriage and commitment found such pain and betrayal by those who should have loved us the most and protected us. :(

steppingup posted 7/10/2014 12:24 PM

Hey gabear - thats the thing with a cheater, most of them dont feel good about themselves that is why they cheat they are looking for extenal validation.

its like this, if I tell my WW she is beautiful, she might say thanks. If someone out in the world say a handsome storekeeper tells the WW she is beautiful she is going to eat that for lunch and think about it for days, and likely intentionally cross paths with the person again looking for ego kibble to eat.

We on the otherhand are very stable people, we typically feel good about ourselves.

For your WH, he now feels worse about himself, which means he might very well be more likely to cheat again, to help mask the guilt and feel the empty inside.

Take good care of yourself. If you do not have children, might be best to move on and find someone very stable who loves themselve so they can give you the love you really need and want.

Best, Step.

gabear posted 7/10/2014 13:51 PM

Just found out it was longer than he said - found messages as far back as June 2012. and they even discussed things like my kids. I am no longer sure this will work out. going to confront him after work today. I was at least aware enough to screen shot and save hundreds of messages for future proof if i need it. i feel so detached from myself right now

steppingup posted 7/10/2014 14:21 PM

Gabear - that is the problem with broken trust that is rebroken. You (and I) never really know when the truth comes or not, it sucks eggs big time to feel like we really dont know what is going on or what will happen. It is not safe, it does not feel safe, and that is impossible to operate a relationship under those conditions.

Liar, Liar, pants on fire! Yes they lie, and I think after so much falsehood, they dont even feel it anymore , its like the the heart gets seared.

gabear posted 7/11/2014 00:28 AM

Thank you steppinup - sometimes this place is the only one I feel safe at

gabear posted 7/12/2014 06:34 AM

He said her name in his sleep. I was devastated. We have been talking and trying to get through this but that destroyed me all over again. Sitting here looking at my meds deciding to take them or not. I told him what he did and his face fell and he seemed truly upset but I just don't know. Now he is gone to drill for the army for the day and I am stuck here with all these emotions and no outlet but here. We are supposed to have a "date" tonight to help with reconnecting. I just don't know

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/12/2014 07:02 AM

GaBear, you can't reconcile with someone whose STILL lying and protecting himself. You keep finding out a little more and he admits JUST to what you found and claims that's all there is.

Then you find another little piece.

And another.

And another.

He's lying his fool head off and will continue to do so because he's not remorseful for what he did. He's more concerned with covering his ass.

You can't try to reconcile with someone who CLEARLY has no remorse at all for his actions and doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. The chances that he's still in touch with her are about 99.9999999% because he has no remorse at all. With today's technology, it's way too easy to hide communications with all these new apps and the 'burn' phones and everything else.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 7:04 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]

gabear posted 7/13/2014 11:46 AM

Our date went really well. Conversation was easy. He brought up the A and apologized again for what he did. We went out to eat and some shopping afterwards. The shopping was weird to me because I never buy for myself unless it is absolutely necessary. I always bought for him and the kids just the way I am. Well he spent money on me for a change - it felt good and weird at the same time. No I'm not letting him "buy" me back but it did feel good. We came home and spent time with the kids. Then when they went to bed we talked. Actually talked - no crying no yelling just straight 2 adults talking things out. He didn't flinch or get angry just sat and listened and apologized. I got to vent and it felt great! So for now my hopes are up. We will see where this goes