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LittleMag79 posted 7/6/2014 18:13 PM

I lost my husband, and father of my three kids, in March of 2010, after he fought a long and hard battle with Hodgkins Lymphoma. I didn't think that I would ever be able to love again until I met my boyfriend. We did everything right. We took it slow, didn't rush anything. I thought he completely understood and welcomed me as I was.

A couple of years ago, I noticed a couple of girls on his facebook page, and questioned him about them. He told me he didn't know them, they were just facebook friends. There was two women in particular that I continued to question, and of course he made me out to be the jealous type. He even broke up with me, but we reconciled very quickly, and I dropped the subject in fear of losing him. He also stopped using facebook, siting me as the reason.

Flash forward to March 2014....We are living together, he is very involved with my kids, and his child is involved as well. I added him to my family shared plan on my cell service. I get a weird message about paying to much for international calling, and I should switch plans. Thinking it was my teenage son, I check my usage data, and find that my boyfriend has been texting one of the women I had questioned on facebook. He denied anything bad was going on, but told me he would stop contacting her. A few weeks later, I got a hold of his phone, and saw the real story. They exchanged loving words, pictures, and all the things I thought he shared only with me. As the next few weeks went on, I uncovered more of his lies. The other woman I questioned was an ex, whom he told me was his cousin. He was speaking to another ex, until last year. He was constantly trying to connect to other women, the first two years. I also found out that the main ow, asked him to get off facebook, bc her boyfriend was jealous.

My entire relationship feels like a lie. I love him, but I just don't know where I am with it all. We don't talk about it, bc all he can say is "sorry, I don't remember, I only love you" blah, blah, blah. Everything falls so flat bc he was so awesome before this, so being awesome now means nothing. We got into a huge fight recently and he told me to forgive him, or let him go.

What do I do? I'm fine for a little bit, but then I am back to square one. Sorry for any typos, I don't type well on a touchscreen. Thanks for reading.

mchercheur posted 7/6/2014 18:33 PM

Hi (((LittleMag79))),
Welcome to SI. I am so sorry that you had to find yourself here with the rest of us BSs, but you will find a lot of support, comfort, & knowledge here.
Make sure your drink enough water, if you can't eat, drink protein drinks, & if you can't sleep, go to the doctor for sleeping pills.

Your WBF barely sounds regretful for being caught----he definitely is not remorseful for betraying you-----only you can decide if you want to stay in the relationship with him.
It takes time to heal from this trauma. It sounds like you have had one trauma on top of another, so don't be surprised if this second trauma triggers the feelings of abandonment from the first. There are many here to help you thru this.
Please read the articles in the Healing Library,& also those with the bullseyes----they will help you immensely.
Sending you strength.

LittleMag79 posted 7/6/2014 19:13 PM

Thanks. I had my moment of not eating, sleeping, and generally not caring for myself. Now, I struggle with triggers, depression, and this feeling of not knowing which end is up. Its very difficult, and I have moments of wondering if I can do this, or should I just bail. I feel like its too soon to make that decision.

Bookworm428 posted 7/6/2014 19:32 PM

I'm so sorry you're having to experience this, especially after all the tragedy you've had already in your life. Have you actually sat down and shown him all the stuff you've uncovered? Until he actually admits to everything and tells you himself what he's done, it will be hard to get past all the initial hurt. I had trickle truth with my husband and that made it very difficult to get on track. Then HE needs to decide if he wants to stay with you. Until you figure out what his feelings are on this, it will be difficult for you to determine exactly what you want and need to do. If he wants to stay with you, he's going to have to show remorse and start doing all the things he needs to do in order to help you heal and regain your trust. If he doesn't want to bother with that at all, then you have your answer right there. You deserve better than to have to go through this, especially after everything else you've already been through. Make no rash decisions though and please make sure you take care of yourself. I know how hard it is to do, but it's the most important thing right now.

Skan posted 7/6/2014 19:41 PM

Hey there. Welcome to the one place that no one actually wants to be. It's also the place that you will find an amazing amount of support and caring.

What your WBF wants, frankly, is immaterial. What do YOU want? What are your boundaries? What are your deal breakers? How do you want to live your life? These are the only questions that you need answer right now. You need to figure out exactly, what you want and what you deserve. Also, what your children want and deserve. Because they are caught up in this as well, and have far less resources than you do.

Please do click on The Healing Library (upper left corner in the yellow box) and start reading. Also read any post on the first 3 pages of this forum that have red "targets" next to them. This is all information that you need to know and has been written by people who have been there and done that, and have the battle scars to prove it.

Please also remember. Words are cheap. "I love you, I want only you, I'll never do this again, I don't know what I was thinking, blah blah blah" all mean nothing. Actions are the only currency that you should count on. Actions tell the truth. And the truth right now, is that your WBF is snowing you, lying to you, and is sneaking around on you. And you are far, far worth more than those disrespectful actions and so are your children.

Keep coming back often for support. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

mandolin555 posted 7/6/2014 19:42 PM

Ask yourself something...would your departed husband find this man's treatment of you and actions admirable? Would he be smiling down on this situation or would it break his heart to see you hurt in this way? Because after all, he's your guardian angel now.

Listen to this song. You need to hear it.
Tori Amos - Winter - YouTube
http://youtu.be/C-IsiAfjhck

[This message edited by mandolin555 at 7:43 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]

LittleMag79 posted 7/6/2014 19:48 PM

Thanks, Bookworm. I went through everything with him. He knows what I know. The thing is, is that he is not firthright with any info. I have had to catch him in everything. I think he really believes that bc there was no PA (which I have a hard time believing,) that he realy hasn't done anything wrong. He tries to be supportive, but if I push for answers, he shuts down on me. We have cried so much, and he says he doesn't want to cry and fight anymore. This is why he says I nees to forgive him, or let him go. My whole thing is, I didn't do anything to deserve any of this. I feel like the idiot for not trusting my gut. My gut still tells me that I don't know everything. I am in love with someone, and I am questioning their love for me. I need action from him. I need to feel the way he made her feel. This whole thing has made me feel ugly, and my rational brain tells me that I am amazing. This is very rough.

[This message edited by LittleMag79 at 7:50 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]

LittleMag79 posted 7/6/2014 19:53 PM

My late husband and I had a trying relationship, its not the best to reference. However, I'm sure that he is plotting from the otherside. As volitale as that relationship was, he would have knuckled up with anyone who even considered hurting me. That was partly why our relationship was volatile. He was extremely protective of me. I guess I need a lot of work in the relationship department. I will be posting often, for sure!

[This message edited by LittleMag79 at 7:53 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]