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Wanting to break NC, posting for accountability

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mixedemotions posted 7/6/2014 21:49 PM

I've been doing really well for months. I've had some ups and downs with my NB, and even during the downs didn't feel much in the way towards WXH. I was often able to say in all sincerity that I loved WXH very much but recognize he is a very unhealthy man who I have no interest being around.

Starting right around my D Day anniversary, I was feeling strong feelings of wanting to break NC. I didn't even realize what anniversary it was until I wrote the date and it clicked. Then, I was really nice to myself and realized that was likely the reason for the feelings. I often use this image of letting tough feelings swirl in the air around me. I notice them, acknowledge them, honor them, let them pass.

That worked for a while but damn if these feelings aren't getting stronger. I'm in a lot of pain. I know all the misery he caused. I know my role in the dysfunction and am working on my part so that I'm not in that situation again, and I do find comfort in that, knowing that I'll love again, this time without the chaos and destruction. I know he was terrible to me and to other people...and yet, I miss him. I want to hear his voice telling me he loves me. I want to have a good cry, knowing he's hearing me and holding me in his thoughts...not in a "hear my pain" kind of way, in a loving, supportive way. I want him to scoop me up and hold me. I want to tell him all the things I've been up to. I even fantasized about having sex with him for the first time in I have no idea how long. For the longest time I was disgusted by his behavior and the thought of him was a turn OFF, now it's a turn on? What is going on with me?

I know nothing good will ultimately come of breaking NC. I know even if it feels good briefly it'll crash and burn. I know it might not even feel good at all. I just miss my illusion mostly, and some of what I miss was real but is not one bit worth the pain that comes along with it. I know better now so I do better. I respect myself and I require respect from the people in my life.

But, damn, this hurts and sometimes I want to give in

Chippednotbroken posted 7/6/2014 21:53 PM

I guess all I can see is, if you do contact him you won't get the response you are looking for and you will just feel weak and stupid for contacting him. Or you will get a good response but it will be fake on his part and all your hard work was for not.
I'm sorry. It sucks.

sheila0304 posted 7/6/2014 22:02 PM

I can relate. I have crashed and burned. Enough said.
Stay strong girl!!!

worried_lady posted 7/6/2014 22:14 PM

Many times when people live with chaos in their life when it is gone the quite feels uncomfortable. It takes time to savor the sound of the quite. Hang in there. He won't actually listen to what you say. He may hear you be not listen.


better4me posted 7/6/2014 22:22 PM

I get this. It is the illusion we seek...what we thought we had, or maybe what we had before our WX spouses burned it to the ground. Post here when you feel like this. Then go to bed, sleep and see if tomorrow things are better. I'm usually loneliest at night...Like all feelings, this feeling will pass with time.

You will get through this too. (((mixedemotions)))

Lonelygirl10 posted 7/7/2014 06:16 AM

I've been having thoughts of breaking NC recently too. Anytime I feel that way, I write a letter to him in my journal. I know that my hopes of what would happen if I contacted him probably don't match the reality of what would happen. Plus, I feel like I barely escaped with my sanity intact. I can't go down that path again. So I suck it up, and ignore the feelings. It may not actually be *him* that you miss, but just miss having a partner by your side.

JerseyCowgirl posted 7/7/2014 06:52 AM

I believe as we near the end of this journey we all go through this. You are now remembering good things about your relationship. It is the final stage when you let go. Another tough phase but you will get through it. My PTSD counselor had me write a eulogy to my marriage saying goodbye to it...sort of an obituary. It helped. I still get anger but I have buried the marriage. I will keep you in my thoughts today as you go through this

norabird posted 7/7/2014 08:49 AM


I have been having a lot of thoughts about my ex lately too. I think it's because my moving on has accelerated, paradoxically. So the small part of me that still remembers how I felt to feel loved by him is rearing its head now that it knows the point of no return, the point where I really let ALL of the love go, is on the horizon. Sort of like the death throes of the love I felt and believed in.

It is a strong emotion and conviction to let go of, when you believed you were going to make it work with someone and loved how they made you feel. Except of course I don't love how he made me feel all of the time--ha!--only the good times. Try to remember the bad and cling on to NC as hard as you can. It's okay that you still look backwards sometimes. But your NB still has a lot in store for you, away from him

mixedemotions posted 7/9/2014 18:36 PM

Thank you everybody. As usual, you helped me feel very nurtured and that was just what I needed. Good news, the pain has definitely eased a lot, NC and sanity still in tact. Success!

So much truth in what you've all said. I also realized I was being triggered by family issues and a few recent disappointments. I think I was seeking familiar comfort in response to that, and for so many reasons, I will keep seeking it elsewhere.

I've been filling my evenings spending time with close friends and when I'm alone letting myself really sit with the pain without acting on it. Impulse control is something I'm working on with food anyway, so I'm just piling it into that lesson.

For others struggling to maintain NC with WXs or new Xs...I just thought of this new mantra - keeping NC is a win-win. There is no downside to it. Breaking NC, on the other hand, is a lose-lose. The pain won't actually go away by breaking NC and the fallout will stunt my growth. I've had enough downsides, I want the ups!

ManBearDivorce posted 7/10/2014 21:21 PM

I went through the same emotions too. I had kids with my XWW and she would fish a lot to get some info on how I was doing. I broke down more then once and made a grave mistakes in my NC. Every time I got treated the same. Every time my NC regime got stronger. I learned from my experiences and built a stronger wall. There is no need for a wall for me anymore. I don't have the emotions and love for her anymore. One day you will feel it and you will say you are free.

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