Starting right around my D Day anniversary, I was feeling strong feelings of wanting to break NC. I didn't even realize what anniversary it was until I wrote the date and it clicked. Then, I was really nice to myself and realized that was likely the reason for the feelings. I often use this image of letting tough feelings swirl in the air around me. I notice them, acknowledge them, honor them, let them pass.
That worked for a while but damn if these feelings aren't getting stronger. I'm in a lot of pain. I know all the misery he caused. I know my role in the dysfunction and am working on my part so that I'm not in that situation again, and I do find comfort in that, knowing that I'll love again, this time without the chaos and destruction. I know he was terrible to me and to other people...and yet, I miss him. I want to hear his voice telling me he loves me. I want to have a good cry, knowing he's hearing me and holding me in his thoughts...not in a "hear my pain" kind of way, in a loving, supportive way. I want him to scoop me up and hold me. I want to tell him all the things I've been up to. I even fantasized about having sex with him for the first time in I have no idea how long. For the longest time I was disgusted by his behavior and the thought of him was a turn OFF, now it's a turn on? What is going on with me?
I know nothing good will ultimately come of breaking NC. I know even if it feels good briefly it'll crash and burn. I know it might not even feel good at all. I just miss my illusion mostly, and some of what I miss was real but is not one bit worth the pain that comes along with it. I know better now so I do better. I respect myself and I require respect from the people in my life.
But, damn, this hurts and sometimes I want to give in
((mixedemotions)))
You will get through this too. (((mixedemotions)))
I have been having a lot of thoughts about my ex lately too. I think it's because my moving on has accelerated, paradoxically. So the small part of me that still remembers how I felt to feel loved by him is rearing its head now that it knows the point of no return, the point where I really let ALL of the love go, is on the horizon. Sort of like the death throes of the love I felt and believed in.
It is a strong emotion and conviction to let go of, when you believed you were going to make it work with someone and loved how they made you feel. Except of course I don't love how he made me feel all of the time--ha!--only the good times. Try to remember the bad and cling on to NC as hard as you can. It's okay that you still look backwards sometimes. But your NB still has a lot in store for you, away from him
So much truth in what you've all said. I also realized I was being triggered by family issues and a few recent disappointments. I think I was seeking familiar comfort in response to that, and for so many reasons, I will keep seeking it elsewhere.
I've been filling my evenings spending time with close friends and when I'm alone letting myself really sit with the pain without acting on it. Impulse control is something I'm working on with food anyway, so I'm just piling it into that lesson.
For others struggling to maintain NC with WXs or new Xs...I just thought of this new mantra - keeping NC is a win-win. There is no downside to it. Breaking NC, on the other hand, is a lose-lose. The pain won't actually go away by breaking NC and the fallout will stunt my growth. I've had enough downsides, I want the ups!
