SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

ednogg posted 7/6/2014 22:15 PM

Hello, I just found this site after doing some searches of how to deal with my feelings and situation.
Here is my story:
My very beautifully attractive 32 yr old wife and I had what seemed to me to be the perfect relationship as she was my best friend and we never fight about anything, always get along great and loved spending time with each other.I found out on 6/4/14 she had been having what she told me was a month long affair with a 58 yr old loser, and needless to say the news blew me out of the water.I had noticed a strange number on my redial on the house phone right at the very start and when I asked her who it was she said her friend Kaley,and I never had any reason to question her i didnt think snything of it.Then a month later she told me she was going to call her friend lindsay but after I hung the phone up ( out of habit i check for missed calls)she was all worried what I was doing with the phone and I noticed this same number so she had told me two different names tied to the same number. When i confronted her about it she said that her and this guy were just friends and promised me nothing more(she works as a nurse and this guys 88 year old mother is in the nursing home that she works thats how they met) I told her to get out for lying to me in the first place saying she was talking to her friends.She didnt hesitate and went to her moms, said we could talk it over the next day came back and didnt seem to want to work it out just kept saying you want me out so im out. the next day she said we should talk and she wanted to work it out, later that day she was having pain in her side and i offered to bring her to dr but she didnt want me anywhere near it so i gave her some space, and the next day i told her i had a screwed up dream she was pregnant, but knew she couldnt be cuz she never had sex with this guy, then she told me she did have sex with him and she was in fact pregnant.

There are two things I cant seem to get over, and I am still in disbelief to the point where I am waiting for someone to yell"gotcha" at me like its some big joke tho I know its not.

1. how this could of happened, that she could sleep with someone her mothers age, I know this guy we are in a small town and he is a true loser.Of all people this guy, I thought I knew my wife and this is the farthest thing from her "type" its not even funny

2. She never showed any signs of unhappiness or even signs that anything was going on everything even during the month long affair was great with her and I.

I want to work things out with her and move on but the fact she went for some loser, and the fact we were getting along so great has me wondering if or when se will do it again.

Tom67 posted 7/6/2014 22:48 PM

You are in shock it is understandable.

You need to see a lawyer asap and know all your rights and responsibilities.
From what you said I am assuming she is prego with the other man's kid?

She is really broken sorry DNA test is a must.

Tom67 posted 7/6/2014 22:50 PM

Oh and let this "loser" support her protect your finances.

Gotmegood posted 7/7/2014 00:15 AM

You're not ready to see this as you are in shock right now, but 'what' your wife cheated with is not at all important. You are focusing on why this particular loser because you are desperately trying to understand what has blindsided you. Old, rich, loser, fatty, none of it matters. What matters is why she thought it was 'okay ' for her to do that.
Your first priority right now is to yourself. Be as healthy as you can; try to exercise, get enough sleep, nutrition and hydration. I'm sorry you had reason to find this site, but glad you did. If you follow some of the guidance available here, it will help you react from a position of relative strength. Do not cajole her or beg her. Tell her she needs to go get STD testing done ASAP. Tell her you are making an appointment w/ an attorney to see how things will shake out in the event of a divorce. Tell her that her behavior is under no circumstances acceptable to you. At the moment, your wife is a deceitful liar who has admitted being unfaithful to you. That's a start, but she is likely going to try to dodge being completely honest with you or herself. It's hard to admit and own that you aren't trustworthy and that you are capable of selfishly behaving in such a way that you gutted your life partner. The truth is that she probably screwed this old 'loser' because he told her she was cute....pathetic isn't it? Go read the articles in The Healing Library about what to do when you first find out. And good luck.

ednogg posted 7/7/2014 06:28 AM

Thank you for your responses. She has decided to not have the child due to the fact that the father is 58 and makes barely enough money for himself( I would like to see him try to afford my wife)she has been tested for std's when she went to dr about pregnancy, and claims they used a condom the whole time but one must of broke. I have already spoke to a lawyer and much to my suprise, my wife has agreed to not want anything from me (house, retirement,spousal supportetc.) I would really like to work things out with her , we have been together for 10 years married for 3 1/2 and this is the first time anything of this nature has occurred, and I am just not sure I can get over the obvious, I am in such disbelief about the whole deal that I have not even been mad yet,very hurt and upset, but not raging mad to where I go to this POS house and smash his teeth in, and I will be the first to admitt I have a pretty quick temper so this is very odd to me. Am I being to nice to her? I am kind of scared what will happen when I see him for the first time what my reaction will be, as I mentioned in my original post, we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone ,and he works as a janitor in our high school so I know I will see him at a football game or something.
Only about 4 people know about the whole situation besides the 3 who are affected, my wifes mom, her sister, her best friend and and her cousin. I have chosen not to tell anyone due to the fact I am in such disbelief, thats one of the reasons I came here to this site, which has been a great resource reading others stories knowing I am not alone.

OakStreet posted 7/7/2014 06:48 AM

First order of business is to be tested for STD yourself.

Then you should start The 180 - you will find it in The Healing Library.

Is she showing genuine remorse over what she has done, or just regret that she was caught (and what a way to get caught).

ednogg, you do not need to make any decisions right away. There are going to be more revelations to come about her actions. Please consider seeing a therapist, demand she see one as well..........and then you can determine if MC will work for you.

Sorry you're here. Good luck!

Schadenfreude posted 7/7/2014 06:57 AM

She cheated on you not him. Don't misdirected where blame lies

If you believe the condom broke then I've got a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn. She is lying by minimizing.

If you've decide you an to work things out you have surrendered to her. You don't know the truth about number of A's she has had. You know she's a liar. What is she offering you. Where are the signs of genuine remorse? At least she's not sticking you with 18 years of paying for he fun

Schadenfreude posted 7/7/2014 06:57 AM

Damn phone

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 6:58 AM, July 7th (Monday)]

norabird posted 7/7/2014 11:39 AM

Your WW is clearly not remorseful and I doubt you have the full truth about this A. One month and she gets pregnant from a defective condom...? That seems highly unlikely. She is probably thinking strategically about what will be best for her, not about your needs or the marriage itself. Stay strong, follow the 180, and know that this is not about something you did to cause this but about her own emptiness.

doggiediva posted 7/7/2014 11:53 AM

Your WW may say she doesn't want anything in the event of a divorce, but once the D is filed these WS change their tune very fast and get nasty..
But getting away from an un remorseful WS after 3 1/2 years marriage is usually a lot less complicated legally and financially than getting out of a 40 year marriage..Something to think about when you weigh out the risks of Ring with this person ...
Protect your physical and mental health..Also protect yourself legally and financially..

Schadenfreude posted 7/7/2014 12:54 PM

Doggie diva is right. It's easier to D now than it wills be in a few years. She may change her mind about becoming mommie to this innocent child. She may be reacting to,the realization that her material,comfort will,vanish if she pursues this guy. There are just too many variables,to,solve,this equation now.

That's why you don't dive in to R. You cannot win her heart by being Mr Nice Guy. If you unconditionally agree to R, she has no incentive to find out why she had this A in the first place. And without that knowledge,,she will,react the same way the next time temptation arises. To your serious detriment.

You need to study and figure out what your minimum requirements are before you'll consider R, figure out the consequences if she ignores them, and communicate these to,her in plain, unemotional English. If she agrees, then you have to watch her actions, not just listen to,her words. Then you can rationally decide if it's worthwhile to attempt R. And remember, as has been said countless,times here before, your old marriage is dead. You may get a new version, but it's way to early to know,that now.

steppingup posted 7/7/2014 13:05 PM

My ww had an affair with a man who was twice her age, older than her dad. She liked to be seduced and manipulated and then put on a pedestal. The fact is that age really does not matter. What matters is how she was feeling. When someone feels bad about themselves and need that validation they are willing to get the validation from anyone willing to give it (man or woman, young or old, fat or fit). The ego needed to be stroked and she got it from him. It’s a hard pill to swallow. The harder pill will be can you look into her eyes and say I love you and mean it and then feel it. I can say it, but I don’t feel it and it’s the I cant feel it that is stopping me from wanting much from my WW anymore. I don’t even want sex from her, I don’t respect her and it’s a sickening feeling to say the least. Give yourself time to get to that healthy place in your mind where you can make the right decision for YOU! Not her. You owe her absolutely nothing! Take care sir.

ednogg posted 7/8/2014 07:44 AM

Thank you very much for your responses, it definately sheds new light for me.I am going through with the Divorce now if things work out they work out but at least there will be nothing attached finacially I dont believe I will ever marry again.

doggiediva posted 7/8/2014 10:02 AM

Wise decision to protect your future, whether or not you decide to rebuild a relationship with your WW someday
When I get out of my situation, I don't see my self in another marriage either..

Uhtred posted 7/8/2014 10:33 AM

You and I have an identical story. Wives same age, other men almost the same age. It's truly hard to understand. I don't have much of a chance to add more but you've been heard and will receive some sound solid advice. Peace to you brother. Hang in there.

craig2001 posted 7/8/2014 10:48 AM

The fact is that age really does not matter. What matters is how she was feeling. When someone feels bad about themselves and need that validation they are willing to get the validation from anyone willing to give it

That is another story though. Your WW is most likely in shock as well. Is the fact the says she is pregnant proven, have you confirmed this?

I would not believe a single word she says at this time.

And like all others have said, you have to talk to a lawyer now. God knows what she really wants. And many times the OM wants something.

Since you have no idea what is really going on here, a lawyer will know how to protect you.

What has her mom say about this? I would think everyone is in shock with this.