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User Topic: How do you let go of the pain?
hopeandnohope
♀ 43097
Member # 43097
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His affair is over. After almost a year I think it is over but all the hurt is still here. How do I stop bringing up all the junk that has happened like...
"I never knew someone like THAT would be attracted to me'. 'Yes, we love each other'. 'She's my best friend' and all the other crap like calling me crazy, a stupid bitch and her texts saying I'm ugly inside and out and calling me other names. It's been a crazy roller coaster and I know he's ended it with her but I'm not sure if he's here for the right reasons. I'm worried he just wants his life back but he doesn't love me like I want him to. If I bring up something that I want an answer to, he says I'm trying to start a fight. Maybe I am but I just don't want to go through this again. He's been staying here saying 'we can't work on our marriage if we live apart'. I begged him to come back home over the year but he always said 'you're not ready yet' Today I told him 'you're right, I'm not ready yet' and asked him to go back to the little house. I want him here but I don't want to be used any more. How do I not drive him away but not hide all the hurt? How do I not re-hash his actions? I want him here but I don't want him here. Any advice would be great.


Me 58
WS 55
together 17 years
2 grown kids each(none together)
finally past the wanting to die stage

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2014
hihn
♀ 43986
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopeandnohope, first of all the wh & ow saying that viscous crap about you just gets my feathers in a ruffle. They are not good/decent people, good/decent people don't sleep with other peoples spouses or cheat on them. Has your wh come to this enlightenment yet? Is he aware it is his job to show remorse for what his choices/actions/affair had done to you? It doesn't sound like it. I am not sure he is there for the right reasons either. How did he come to the conclusion that you weren't ready yet for him to move back home. Is he in charge of you? By what standard has he determined your readiness. I am suspicious that he moved in for his convenience and isn't committed to reconciliation. I hate to be cold, but, if your hurt, that he caused you, drives him away then he isn't remotely deserving of you.


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 176 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
Hatemyhusband
41633
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When was dd? A year ago and u aren't living together?

I'm not sure how to get over the hurt. I don't think I will but I move towards less mind thoughts and suffering each day. Hurtful things have happened to me and I survived. I will survive this too, although this is worst pain ever.

I'm focusing on me. As I told my friend, I'm in the dating phase. I'm dating a man I no longer am married to. The man I married is gone. This is a new man who I'm getting to know. In seeing if this is a man who can win my love and a relationship. As of now, I see progress. We are connecting. Life is ok. Not quote sure this is the man who I will be with for life yet, but I'll be with him now.
Sad, but that's how my marriage became after he changed. The man I married was loyal, attentive, and held himself to high standards. Let's hope this New man will rise to my exoectations


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2013
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I not drive him away but not hide all the hurt?

Gently, he's done so much to drive you away from him, and you're living apart. Why are you worried about driving him away? He's already 'away'.

What has he done to win you back? Is he NC with his ow? Has he started IC with the explicit goal of changing from cheater to good partner?

We already know he's not answering questions, so he's still dishonest, lying to you. Since you're not sure that he's out of the A, I assume he's not transparent.

He's not a candidate for R yet, so you should be proud of yourself for not being ready for him to move back. Unless he becomes a candidate for R, the best way to get rid of your pain is to get rid of him.

Have you considered the 180?

What do you see in him, BTW?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10764 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 4

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