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ok2014 posted 7/6/2014 23:14 PM

I guess I am not the only one who has been here. I just read WH gmail he gave me his password and this time he forgot to delete his latest message to OW (I haven't see any before I guess he is good for deleting) telling how he misses her and her child. For last 2- 3 months we "were rebuilding" our marriage... He has send me really heart warming emails stating he wants to work on our marriage, he has done so many things right but at the end does it really matter when he is stil playing with her. I know I need to D him but do I really want COW to be their stepmom? I don't think so. I am waiting to see what WH has to say tomorrow about all of this. Please be kind with me. D is out of the question right now but how can we fix this one. Has anyone be able to come back from something like this....help.

HeBrokeVows posted 7/6/2014 23:53 PM

Oh wow, I'm so sorry. How heartbreaking for you. It sounds like it's false R. I don't know much about it but have heard of it around here. I'm sure another member will chime in. You said you know you should divorce him but then you also said you can't. I wouldn't make that decision right now but I would begin to set some boundaries and do the 180. I wouldn't focus so much on R even though I know you want to fix this all. He needs to fix himself and you need to gain some strength and independence from him. No one here can tell you want to do except to put yourself and your needs first (as well as the kids). Hugs to you.

naivegirl posted 7/6/2014 23:54 PM

Is he actually doing things right or just saying the right things? Action speaks louder than words. Is he in counseling to figure out why he did this? I was in this situation but we were separated at the time. My husband did not come to his senses until after our first meeting with my lawyer. I would do the 180. Stay strong. When I begged and pleaded it only made things worse. I know how you feel OW would have been a terrible stepmom to my kids. Hugs.

ok2014 posted 7/7/2014 02:18 AM

THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! I just can't sleep....Yes I am doing the 180 on my way I think I need to change my way. He has done so many good things, "most" passwords, emailing where he is, calling at lunch time and returning my calls. He is going to his IC we stopped MC because we felt stuck and WH just couldn't make up his mind to move back. Well this should help him to decide.We have spent a lot of quoality time... but at the end of the day he leaves to his apartement... I guess I know now. And NO he doesn't give me his iphone and I stopped asking because whats the point he can delete text pretty fast. I just want to hear what he has to say. I am so tired for this limbo. WH email was hurful to me saying how he was here to spent time with the KIDS and OW should be worried. Well he tells me other things. What a joke I am.

LydiaE posted 7/7/2014 02:26 AM

You are not a joke!

I believe you finding that email was a blessing in disguise. You now know what kind of person you are dealing with. That does not make the heartbreak any less painful, however.

I think if you do the 180--remember, polite yet stoic-- you will see a great difference in both how you are treated and how you heal from this. This type of 180 was the only thing that worked for me. Do not contact WH unless through email, and only regarding pertinent financial matters or about children. Do not give WH any inkling of what is going on in your life, or how you feel, or how hurt you are. He does not deserve to be privy to this information! Your job is to take care of yourself, your kids, and your healing.

Hugs to you.

ok2014 posted 7/7/2014 09:46 AM

Good Morning!! Oh yes, he is a cake eater and I am the silly one offering it to him on silver plate. WH says OW "sucked" him in again. I wonder what else she sucked?!?!? So sad. I keep thinking about the kids. So sad. WH says he still doesn't know what he wants. And he wants to end with OW AGAIN I've seen how that works out. Dday was Sept. 21, 13. He is willing to try MC again. I will go and see if he can go NC this time. I am so so lost. But I will not let this bring me down.

ladymnurse posted 7/7/2014 16:47 PM

You’re not going to like what I’m going to say and I don’t mean to be harsh, but yes, you are right, you have handed him the golden plate to continue enjoying his luscious cake-her and you. It’s so nice to have two women fighting over him. Makes him feel good. And since he can’t decide who he wants to be with he will continue to fence-sit and you will continue to be his backup plan because you have given him this choice and allowed him to do this to you.

You say he’s doing all the right things but until NC is real, he’s not really doing the right things and you know it in your heart, and it cancels everything you believe his so-called attempts at fixing your marriage. You will never feel secure in your marriage until she is out of the picture. Please don’t go into MC if he is still in contact with her, you would only be wasting your money. MC is for only for the married couple, not including the girlfriend.

He said OW sucked him in? Right…he wanted to be sucked in—isn’t it great how he put the blame on her to justify his actions to continue communication and contact with her? This is what his actions are telling you, that he has placed OW, still, before you in the marriage. And how many times does it take for him to end with OW? When my husband told me that over the phone, I told him go right ahead and see her in person and end it again, but this time, pack your shit and don’t bother coming back is what I told him. He got the message then. It only takes once!

There’s no reason to divorce now, 180 since it is really for you and not to save a marriage, weigh your options, you will continue to take the abuse from him until you finally have had enough. Only you will be able to decide that. You will eventually pull up your breeches with a vengeance, pull on your bitch boots and knock him off the fence and smack the cake out of his mouth. Close that bakery—it took me nearly 4 years to figure out that I was worth 10 of OW despite all of her degrees! And I had had enough. That’s when he’ll stand there in shock or you will continue to live in limbo, rug sweep the affair or in the end give him over to OW. And if she gets him in the end, what kind of man did she really gain? A man who is willing to cheat, lies, a man with no real morals, a person willing to manipulate his family for his selfishness, and a man capable of hurting those who truly love him. Is that the kind of man you want?

But really, when it’s all said and done, you are the one who is really holding all the cards – you can divorce him and move on. I told my husband that I can do bad by myself, that I didn’t need him to make it any worse than it already was but I wasn’t going out without a fight – I would take him to court, I would take half of his income and then some if I could, and I would not be nice—I had worked too hard, too many years, for the jewels on this crown to be handed over to her!

We as BS, don’t think we hold all the cards. But this is what we do, us, the betrayed—hold on to a spouse who is willing to hurt us, because we want the betrayer to understand the amount of pain we went through that they caused, but the sad thing is, they will never, ever understand until it happens to them. We believe that there is no one else out there and that we have put so much into the marriage that it is worth fighting for. But in reality, when we can finally look beyond the pain and the aftermath, our own happiness is just as important as our spouses. But if we don’t respect or love ourselves, how do we expect them to respect us in the end?

[This message edited by ladymnurse at 4:54 PM, July 7th (Monday)]

momentintime posted 7/7/2014 17:03 PM

If you don't like what is happening, then YOU need to make decisions for what is right for you.

He is currently out in an apartment, he can play at the single life. He isn't deciding anything, he wants to keep you jumping to do whatever to have him come home, he likes limboland. How is that working for you?

File for divorce, (you can always slow it down or stop it) however, he needs to know YOU have choices too. You don't have to live like this. You don't have to wait on him, and shouldn't. This has been going on for quite some time. Put on you bitch boots and make your life better. He can come around and make a commitment or he can continue to drift while you work towards your new future.

ok2014 posted 7/7/2014 23:03 PM

WOW WOW WOW thank you for the honesty! He kept texting and calling me all night I just cannot talk to him right now. One of the tex says don let your imagination take best of you????? My imagination I saw his appology email (of being in here and that he was here FOR THE KIDS, I have different story about it) to OW. CAKE EATER.
But at the end I had a lovely evening with the kids, dinner out, bike ride and a long movie. Happy moments!!! I need happy! Good night!!

Tammy1 posted 7/8/2014 09:48 AM

I'm sorry he's doing this. You've gotten some very good advice. Take the control away from him. You do have the power if you decide to use it.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/8/2014 11:08 AM

Ok2014, just from reading the verbiage in your signature line, it's pretty obvious you've been dancing this dysfunctional waltz with your husband for a long time, now.

Nothing has really changed in all this time. You're still no farther than you were when he moved out and into his own place. He's still being a liar and a sneak and the bottom line is that you can't control his behavior. He's doing exactly what he WANTS to do.

You're in "limbo" because the guy is living where he wants to be and isn't very interested in reconciling his marriage. He likes having an open door to you and the family without having to COMMIT to the responsibility of having you all in his life. He can come and visit and get all the emotional satisfaction of being with his family, but when he's had his fill, he gets to go home and live his 'single' life - out of your vision.

He's obviously not ready to give that up or he would have by now.

So you'll confront him about the email you found where he's bawling to his OW about how he misses she and her kid, and he'll just give you lame lie/excuse number 8,549 - just another bullshit lie in long, long history of lies he's told you to explain it away. And in the end, nothing will really change, will it? It will just be another indignity you'll suffer at his hands in the hope of him one day manning up and being the decent person you want him to be.

Why is divorce out of the question? It's not like your kids aren't aware that there are obvious problems as they've been living without their dad in the house for almost a year, now. So it wouldn't be that big of a shock for them to handle.

I hope you don't have this guy come back home any time soon, because he's CLEARLY not "in it to win it" with you or the marriage. If he did come, he'd just eventually cause more drama and upset up the road because he'd revert right back to form and start up with his deceitful, sneaky behavior all over again. Your kids don't deserve to have to deal with their father's yo-yo behavior just because unfortunately, you choose to accept it day after day after day.

He's shown you exactly what he is, ok2014. Believe him.

Good luck to you.

ok2014 posted 7/8/2014 11:30 AM

NeverAgain2013, thank you!!! I guess there is no point for me to explain more about our situation. but but but.... fyi i am SAHM 15 years, I am alone here (usa) my family lives abroad and laywer said I most like won't be able take the kids abroad for good, my part time job income is very small, and in-laws are very toxic, only one of my friends know my situation. I am starting new IC soon. This is a wonderful site to clear my head. I am scared to start all over in a country were I don't really want to be. Oh well I know I will be fine and this will be a wonderful opportunity for better life. Small part of me is still hoping for recovery on marriage, I know silly me. The ball is in his hands now. p.s. I did realised I was looking for more pain while playing his game (I did enjoyed the good family times we had and that won't change anything I was being selfish that way) but I needed to know that I gave everything to save us.