Littlemiss1.....sorry to hear that you're struggling...it's still so raw and fresh in our minds, it only seems yesterday that all this insanity was happening. It consume our thoughts 24/7 and when certain strong triggers or mind movies creep up, it makes us blow up and spiral downhill and makes us hate our pathetic WH for putting us in this ticking bomb even more.
I hate and love him .
I love him I need him I want him.
The first several months were the worst for me going thru the cycle of I hate him, love him, want him, need him. All the sadness, anger and disgust towards him added to the painful limbo feeling. It was so hard to control the bouts of crying, hatred, gut wrenching depression and hostility that has become my new reality. It's so unfair!
I only started to feel different a few months ago. I was sooo sick of letting the A and his poor actions/mistakes dominate my life. Decided I'm in control and I will conquer this....if I am successful....perhaps my H will become a much better man, perhaps our M will be stronger and healthier than it could ever be. If not, I knew I was strong enough to walk away.
What help? Visualizing my life without H and how I would feel. I was certain I still love him and want him in it. His true remorse and actions (planning dates/getaways) also help. During my low moments, I would try to think all the positive things....stronger M, better H/father/provider, how he could up & left me but he didn't and chose to stay and endure the hell, how our children would be much happier with him in our life, etc... Now, the A doesn't consume my thoughts like it did before. We have bond immensely and learned to communicate much more effectively.
Some people say the past does not define who the person is and also the A does not define who the person is. I hold on to that everyday...,.thinking that no one is perfect and makes mistakes. It is because WH is willing to put in the work to become a better person and not repeat history that I am willing to look past his past.
Hang in there......we have to endure so many ups and downs and loops in this crazy roller coaster ride that we were unwillingly forced in to. The ride will eventually get smoother and someday, you will step off it with a sense of relieve, renewal and happiness feeling again.....
Will think of you and hope your struggle gets better today as well as weeks and months to come. Time is on your side.....