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Emotional Affair and he won't stop contact

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confusedinaustin posted 7/7/2014 07:43 AM

I found this board in the last week and have spent hours reading the posts and seeing the mirror to my life. Today I finally got the courage to post myself.

My husband of 11 years came home from a business trip about 6 weeks ago and told me he wasn't happy with us or himself and wanted to get help. I thought it was a wake-up call and realized we weren't prioritizing each other with our focus on our 2 kids, our careers, etc. Then I started to get a little suspicious and asked if he was having an affair, physical or emotional. He denied it over and over again and even said I was creating things in my head. Things between us went from what I thought was a common goal to work on reconnecting to him saying hurtful and horrible things to me about not being in love, not being attracted to me, etc, including telling me on our actual 11th wedding anniversary that he didn't want to be with me and he would prefer to be alone.
Fast forward to this past Tuesday July 1 and all of my suspicions were confirmed. I caught him having an emotional affair with a coworker. I found evidence on his computer and her number so I called her. It was like a scene out of a movie where the betrayed spouse calls the other woman and reminds her he is married with children. She was all apologies and says she isn't a home-wrecker and that they had only kissed and he told her he was divorcing me (he had even shown her some papers he had drawn up himself online) and that <gasp> I had been cheating on him for years. She told me how beautiful our children were and how sorry she was. Thanks - I know my kids are beautiful and I surely don't need some other woman to tell me that. Anyway, the best part is that he was there when I called. He claims he was there ending it with her because a conversation with his sister had made him realize his relationship with her was inappropriate if he was hiding it from me.
He came home and said he didn't want a divorce, t he thought he might have and filling out the papers scared him and he wanted to work on us and start the therapy we had ironically had scheduled to start the next day.
We went to couples therapy and the therapist told him that he had to be open with me and answer all my questions and let me see his email, phone, whatever I needed to start rebuilding trust. He claims OW was really pissed at him for ending it and that they were done. I was in the crazy truth-seeking mission so I kept checking his emails and phone. She texted him the night before last saying she was sorry she had gotten so upset and that she didn't want to lose his friendship. He deleted it right in front of me. He told me he didn't want to engage with her. The next morning, I found an email to her from his work account saying he was sorry he didn't respond to the text and that he had sent her an email from another email account (one I didn't know about). I confronted him about it and he said the email was just letting her know he couldn't contact her anymore and that he didn't tell me because he felt bad that he had reached out to her after he told me he wasn't going to engage. I told him if he wanted to be with her, that he should go and not play games. He told me he was choosing us and that him being at our home should be a sign of that. Of course the emailed was deleted so I struggled to believe him. He said he was sick of me checking up on him and that I would just have to trust him. I told him that wasn't possible. By later in the day, he agreed to give me his account logins again.
Well last night, I log into the 'secret' email account and what do you know - hotmail has the ability to retrieve deleted emails. I am sure he didn't realize that! And there it was. He had sent her a note telling her he was still thinking about her and that they would be 'friends' forever. He told her he had been drinking the night before, drowning his sorrows over missing her and that's why he hadn't responded to her text. He was actually out with me and the kids the night before so clearly he lies to all parties. He even called her his beautiful hottie (something he used to call me). She responded and asked if his work phone was being monitored and his response is what did me in. He said that his phone wasn't being monitored because that would be an indication that he was working on his marriage which wasn't the case. Wow - so attending 2 couples therapy sessions and telling me he didn't want a divorce was a total lie.
Luckily I had been reading all of the posts on here about setting boundaries. I told him I found the email and that I was done with the lies. He needed to get up and leave our home and not come back until he was ready to live an open and honest life.
What's sad is that he didn't even really fight me. He told me some other line about he had texted her later in day telling her he couldn't be in contact with her anymore but of course he had deleted the text so I couldn't see it. He told me he chose 'us' and he would figure out a way to prove it to me. What's sad is that I so want to believe that but I can't anymore. I can't do the lies. He was scheduled to be a on business trip this week anyway so I don't have to figure out what to tell our kids until later in the week but I'm freaking out a bit. I feel somewhat relieved that I finally stood up for myself after taking all this crap for over a month but I am scared he might really never come back. I know that's probably for the best but I am scared to death of how my older daughter (7 yrs) will react. She's a daddy's girl and I am scared to death she will blame me.
Please tell me I did the right thing. I can't take the lies. I was trying to save my marriage but that takes two, right? I can't live with a liar. I just can't do it.

Christy516 posted 7/7/2014 08:03 AM

I'm glad you decided to post Confused. I am relatively new to the group so i don't feel qualified to give lots of advice bit i will tell you you learn fast in these situations.

My WH also lied about ending contact with the OW after the first DDay. And the second. And the third. Abou 6 more months of lying. I wish i had found SI sooner and knew how to handle it better at the time. You did the right thing. Until and if he is ready to honestly commit to you and your M he will just break your heart over and over. It is a hard road but your best chance to get your M back on track.

I also want to caution you about it just being an EA. He already admits to kissing. That's physical. And many of us on here have heard the "it was only one kiss" line only to find out it was much more later. Unfortunately it is pretty common. At this point i wouldnt believe anything either of them says. He is interested in protecting himself and his fantasy world right now. Not being honest and moving forward. Remember that and protect yourself.

Lastly, take care of yourself. Infidelity is shocking to the core. Because of the lies and multiple DDays i think i was actually in shock until just a few months ago when i was finally able to start processing some of what happened and felt like my feet were baxk under me. So give yourself a break, eat, drink and post here. These people are great and you will find a lot of support.

TheClimb posted 7/7/2014 08:16 AM

Good for you confronting him and calling bull shit on his lying. I think throwing him out until he can go total NC is a very, very good thing. You have just saved yourself a ton of heartache. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but standing up for yourself and your marriage and telling him to get out might be the thing that in the end saves it.

Many waywards cannot give up the tramps right away, even after being caught red handed. People compare it to an addiction. Even though they know it is wrong, they continue to do it. Until the betrayed spouse takes a very hard stand. Mine also continued talking with the OW. And I would catch them every time. His excuses were pathetic... my ten year old could come up with something better. "I was just reiterating that we were done". Once they realized that I was monitoring his phone, she started using her dead husband's cell phone. And just like your OW, she had apologized on DD#1, thought the marriage was over, didn't mean to hurt me or our child, blah, blah, blah. They are broken women who sleep with someone else's husband. They are not like us and therefore cannot be expected to do the right thing. They will continue to lie and cheat to get what they want, our husbands. Is she married? If so, do yourself and your marriage a big favor and tell her husband. Don't give your husband a heads up, just tell her husband!!

Keep the pressure on your husband. He very well could dump her for good now. In retrospect, I wish I had made my husband stay out of the house for longer than the one day. You might also want to forgo MC for now. Until he has stopped contact, which probably means someone has to leave their job, MC is just a waste of your money. IC is the way to go at this time.

You are going to be fine. Keep reading and keep posting.

norabird posted 7/7/2014 09:24 AM

You are right that it takes two. I'm sorry that your WH is such a shitty, selfish man that he is willing to throw you and your family under the tracks. But take him at his word. He is showing you who he is--believe him. See a lawyer and get your ducks in a row so that you can file, and don't stay in couples counseling until he is actually willing to try, not just pacify you. Right now you need to detach and take care of your interest and the interests of your kids. Yes, it hurts, but the sooner you take control the better shape you will be in. He is deep in the fog and you need to act accordingly. Try the 180 and be kind to yourself. You can't nice someone into a marriage when they have already put both feet out the door, and you can't let someone waffle and fence-sit and cake-eat while you stay in limbo. You deserve 100% commitment and if he isn't showing that, out the door he goes. It's called consequences.


You will make it through this.

confusedinaustin posted 7/7/2014 09:46 AM

Thanks for the support. I have been worried that based on the trickle of additional information (and lies) that even what has been said as a confession of sorts is not even true. I just don't understand how someone I thought I knew so well for 13 years can become such a lying cheating jerk. Have I just been fooled the whole time or do people really just change for the worse? The OW is a 2x-divorced woman who just moved to town and doesn't know anyone. WH decided says he was helping her meet new people and get her house setup as a friend and he didn't even realize it was inappropriate until his sister told him so. He has even tried to play the depressed mid-life-crisis card. Is that all a bunch of bs or what?

So I kicked him out last night but he was going to be gone all week anyway for a business trip. How do I know when (or potentially if ever) he is ready to come home? How can I believe him, even if he says he is ready to be open and honest? I can't control his work phone.

Also, is it bad for me to contact her and tell her to stop being such a horrid home-wrecking bleep? Is it bad to contact OW? The ironic part is that he is lying to her too so maybe they deserve each other with all their lies and deceit.

lilacs40 posted 7/7/2014 13:32 PM

I would not contact the OW. Most likely she wouldn't tell the truth if you asked her any questions and she knew he was married (even if he told it was all but over) and had a relationship with him anyway. She probably won't care that you're hurting and she broke up a family.

As for knowing when he's ready to come home you'll know. He has to understand however that trust will not be easy and will take months/years to rebuild. And only after he has displayed trustworthy behavior consistently.

He might have access to his work phone records and if so, he should share them with you. If he does, you can compare the record with what is actually on the phone.

Sorry you're here, it sucks. If you haven't already read the healing library, there's some good info there. Make sure you are eating and drinking plenty of fluids.

steppingup posted 7/7/2014 17:14 PM

The short of it, you are my hero…(stands up and starts applauding you). This is the way WS need to be treated, GET OUT! I did not have the courage to do that when we didn’t have kids (I should have) and now with little children and I have no family near me to support me I find it next to impossible to toss her out (DD#2 just happened). I am at a loss, but you will be stronger and better for what you did either way (R or Divorce), so congrats to you and God Bless.

Christy516 posted 7/7/2014 21:16 PM

I don't know how easy it is to tell when they are ready to come home. My WH was gone for an hour, came back and blurted the whole truth finally. I recognized the truth because it was ugly, it was hurtful but it made sense. No more trying to convince myself that lies he was telling could be truth. It was different. That doesn't mean that i didn't have (still have) doubts. It was still hard work and continues to be at 6 months out from final truth and NC. But the way he deaos with it is very different. Basic truth without trting to shift blame. Transparency and reassurance. Commitment and engagement in the family. Those are the differences i see from the gaslighting when the A went underground. It's not perfect but it'scconsistent.
Imo the first step is NC with the OW. If he is serious then it is his job to figure out how to be transparent and make you feel safe.
As far as the OW, the other posters are right. You won'tget any ssatisfaction by talking to her. But i understandthe desire as i wrestle with this almost daily.

confusedinaustin posted 7/7/2014 22:30 PM

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I haven't exchanged but a few texts with him since he walked out the door yesterday. He is now on a business trip all week and has sent a few texts asking about the kids but nothing asking about me or indicating he has any intentions of showing me he wants to be honest and work on us. He isn't scheduled home until Friday but I guess part of me was hopeful he would get some distance and snap out of the fog and realize how good he has it with our family.
I know I had to stand up for myself but I am scared he isn't coming back. I shouldn't be scared but I think I am facing the reality that he might never come back. Perhaps he really didn't want to be married to me and this was his way of making it my choice to kick him out. I worry so much about my 2 girls (ages 7 and 1). I don't know how I will raise them by myself and how I will deal with having to share their milestones in some silly custody agreement. I can take responsibility for the fact that our marriage wasn't perfect but I just can't understand why he is being so cruel to me.
I took another step tonight and removed his access to my credit cards. Based on all of his lying, I felt like I needed to take more steps to protect myself financially. I sent him an email to let him know so he isn't caught off-guard if he tries to use one of the cards and his response was so matter-of-fact. Does this mean we are getting closer to the divorce and talking about splitting up all of our assets? How the heck did this become my life? I feel like a failure.

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