My husband of 11 years came home from a business trip about 6 weeks ago and told me he wasn't happy with us or himself and wanted to get help. I thought it was a wake-up call and realized we weren't prioritizing each other with our focus on our 2 kids, our careers, etc. Then I started to get a little suspicious and asked if he was having an affair, physical or emotional. He denied it over and over again and even said I was creating things in my head. Things between us went from what I thought was a common goal to work on reconnecting to him saying hurtful and horrible things to me about not being in love, not being attracted to me, etc, including telling me on our actual 11th wedding anniversary that he didn't want to be with me and he would prefer to be alone.
Fast forward to this past Tuesday July 1 and all of my suspicions were confirmed. I caught him having an emotional affair with a coworker. I found evidence on his computer and her number so I called her. It was like a scene out of a movie where the betrayed spouse calls the other woman and reminds her he is married with children. She was all apologies and says she isn't a home-wrecker and that they had only kissed and he told her he was divorcing me (he had even shown her some papers he had drawn up himself online) and that <gasp> I had been cheating on him for years. She told me how beautiful our children were and how sorry she was. Thanks - I know my kids are beautiful and I surely don't need some other woman to tell me that. Anyway, the best part is that he was there when I called. He claims he was there ending it with her because a conversation with his sister had made him realize his relationship with her was inappropriate if he was hiding it from me.
He came home and said he didn't want a divorce, t he thought he might have and filling out the papers scared him and he wanted to work on us and start the therapy we had ironically had scheduled to start the next day.
We went to couples therapy and the therapist told him that he had to be open with me and answer all my questions and let me see his email, phone, whatever I needed to start rebuilding trust. He claims OW was really pissed at him for ending it and that they were done. I was in the crazy truth-seeking mission so I kept checking his emails and phone. She texted him the night before last saying she was sorry she had gotten so upset and that she didn't want to lose his friendship. He deleted it right in front of me. He told me he didn't want to engage with her. The next morning, I found an email to her from his work account saying he was sorry he didn't respond to the text and that he had sent her an email from another email account (one I didn't know about). I confronted him about it and he said the email was just letting her know he couldn't contact her anymore and that he didn't tell me because he felt bad that he had reached out to her after he told me he wasn't going to engage. I told him if he wanted to be with her, that he should go and not play games. He told me he was choosing us and that him being at our home should be a sign of that. Of course the emailed was deleted so I struggled to believe him. He said he was sick of me checking up on him and that I would just have to trust him. I told him that wasn't possible. By later in the day, he agreed to give me his account logins again.
Well last night, I log into the 'secret' email account and what do you know - hotmail has the ability to retrieve deleted emails. I am sure he didn't realize that! And there it was. He had sent her a note telling her he was still thinking about her and that they would be 'friends' forever. He told her he had been drinking the night before, drowning his sorrows over missing her and that's why he hadn't responded to her text. He was actually out with me and the kids the night before so clearly he lies to all parties. He even called her his beautiful hottie (something he used to call me). She responded and asked if his work phone was being monitored and his response is what did me in. He said that his phone wasn't being monitored because that would be an indication that he was working on his marriage which wasn't the case. Wow - so attending 2 couples therapy sessions and telling me he didn't want a divorce was a total lie.
Luckily I had been reading all of the posts on here about setting boundaries. I told him I found the email and that I was done with the lies. He needed to get up and leave our home and not come back until he was ready to live an open and honest life.
What's sad is that he didn't even really fight me. He told me some other line about he had texted her later in day telling her he couldn't be in contact with her anymore but of course he had deleted the text so I couldn't see it. He told me he chose 'us' and he would figure out a way to prove it to me. What's sad is that I so want to believe that but I can't anymore. I can't do the lies. He was scheduled to be a on business trip this week anyway so I don't have to figure out what to tell our kids until later in the week but I'm freaking out a bit. I feel somewhat relieved that I finally stood up for myself after taking all this crap for over a month but I am scared he might really never come back. I know that's probably for the best but I am scared to death of how my older daughter (7 yrs) will react. She's a daddy's girl and I am scared to death she will blame me.
Please tell me I did the right thing. I can't take the lies. I was trying to save my marriage but that takes two, right? I can't live with a liar. I just can't do it.
My WH also lied about ending contact with the OW after the first DDay. And the second. And the third. Abou 6 more months of lying. I wish i had found SI sooner and knew how to handle it better at the time. You did the right thing. Until and if he is ready to honestly commit to you and your M he will just break your heart over and over. It is a hard road but your best chance to get your M back on track.
I also want to caution you about it just being an EA. He already admits to kissing. That's physical. And many of us on here have heard the "it was only one kiss" line only to find out it was much more later. Unfortunately it is pretty common. At this point i wouldnt believe anything either of them says. He is interested in protecting himself and his fantasy world right now. Not being honest and moving forward. Remember that and protect yourself.
Lastly, take care of yourself. Infidelity is shocking to the core. Because of the lies and multiple DDays i think i was actually in shock until just a few months ago when i was finally able to start processing some of what happened and felt like my feet were baxk under me. So give yourself a break, eat, drink and post here. These people are great and you will find a lot of support.
Many waywards cannot give up the tramps right away, even after being caught red handed. People compare it to an addiction. Even though they know it is wrong, they continue to do it. Until the betrayed spouse takes a very hard stand. Mine also continued talking with the OW. And I would catch them every time. His excuses were pathetic... my ten year old could come up with something better. "I was just reiterating that we were done". Once they realized that I was monitoring his phone, she started using her dead husband's cell phone. And just like your OW, she had apologized on DD#1, thought the marriage was over, didn't mean to hurt me or our child, blah, blah, blah. They are broken women who sleep with someone else's husband. They are not like us and therefore cannot be expected to do the right thing. They will continue to lie and cheat to get what they want, our husbands. Is she married? If so, do yourself and your marriage a big favor and tell her husband. Don't give your husband a heads up, just tell her husband!!
Keep the pressure on your husband. He very well could dump her for good now. In retrospect, I wish I had made my husband stay out of the house for longer than the one day. You might also want to forgo MC for now. Until he has stopped contact, which probably means someone has to leave their job, MC is just a waste of your money. IC is the way to go at this time.
You are going to be fine. Keep reading and keep posting.
You will make it through this.
So I kicked him out last night but he was going to be gone all week anyway for a business trip. How do I know when (or potentially if ever) he is ready to come home? How can I believe him, even if he says he is ready to be open and honest? I can't control his work phone.
Also, is it bad for me to contact her and tell her to stop being such a horrid home-wrecking bleep? Is it bad to contact OW? The ironic part is that he is lying to her too so maybe they deserve each other with all their lies and deceit.
As for knowing when he's ready to come home you'll know. He has to understand however that trust will not be easy and will take months/years to rebuild. And only after he has displayed trustworthy behavior consistently.
He might have access to his work phone records and if so, he should share them with you. If he does, you can compare the record with what is actually on the phone.
Sorry you're here, it sucks. If you haven't already read the healing library, there's some good info there. Make sure you are eating and drinking plenty of fluids.
"Cheating is so rampant it has become a sign of how mentally unwell and immature our society is".