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4+ years on and tired

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Lost Rainbows posted 7/7/2014 08:33 AM

It's been 4 years 4 months.

4 years. 4 months.

And I'm just so tired of it. Every moment that I'm on my own, I think about it. I think about what happened, why it happened, what I should watch out for, whether there's more "truth" that will come out one day,or more "truth" that will never come out. I think about every possible aspect of the A and the legacy of it. I just feel so exhausted. My mind just won't stop going round and round. Needles to say, my thoughts give me no answers and no relief.

I suspect that it's mostly self protection. In my mind, if I think about it all the time then I can never again be blind-sided and never again be so traumatised if it should ever happen again. I'll always be ready, because it will always be on my mind. I don't dare stop thinking about it - if I stop thinking about it I leave myself vulnerable to not noticing changes or signs that someone else is occupying his thoughts again.

But I'm just so tired of it. Does anyone else feel like me? Has anyone else felt like me but managed to eventually "let it go"?

2married2quit posted 7/7/2014 09:06 AM

I too am very tired. It's been 2yrs and I'm exhausted. Sure, I'm better than yr 1 and all throughout yr 2, but it is exhausting. I have to find creative ways to get my mind busy. Sometimes I just want to drive my car anywhere or fly to another state and just run for a while, but then I get the anxiety of loosing my spouse.

Everyone deals with it differently. Being with her I don't feel connected. Being without her I feel like I will loose her and feel those awful feelings I felt during yr1. I need an emotional break.

somanyyears posted 7/7/2014 09:50 AM

..sadly, this is the living hell many BS's live with .... and hopefully evolve out of with time.

..i'm past 5 yrs out.. still 'evolving'.. but not there yet!

..there remains unresolved issues with OM's family..

..until i confront, there will be no joy in Mudville my friends!!

OM is dead, by the way!!!!!


Razor posted 7/7/2014 09:50 AM

I am further down the road than you. So I really GET what it means to feel tired.

Yes its a defense against being hurt again. Hyper vigilance. Incessant thinking about it. PTSD.

There are times when I feel the weight of fatigue too. Times when I just want it to be OVER.

In the end though you will come to a time when you find yourself thinking less about it. The pain never goes away. And you will always be quick to recognize signs of your WS edging too close to boundaries. But you will finally ACCEPT that it happened.

Being betrayed is a life event. It is NOT something to get over. Does a parent ever get over the death of a child? Its like that. There is regret and pain in memories. But they are ONLY memories. We have to accept that this happened to us. And there is nothing we can do to make it un-happen.

In acceptance we can move on. We can continue with life and be happy. Yes the pain and regret and memories will always be there. But we can accept that and just let them be.

Ostrich80 posted 7/7/2014 12:01 PM

Yes, I'm nearing the 5 yr mark and I too am tired. I'm tired of it always being somewhere in my mind, I'm tired of trying to gauge ws, its exhausting. I can't turn my mind off and long for the days this wasn't an issue.

2married2quit posted 7/8/2014 09:05 AM

I've been considering moving out just to sort through all of my feelings.

Razor posted 7/8/2014 09:38 AM

I can't turn my mind off and long for the days this wasn't an issue.

Bear with me a bit here. Eventually this relates to turning your mind off.

I am the middle child of a large family. Our father wanted a even dozen it seems. So anyway its easy to get lost in the crowd. And I didnt mind that because our parents were pretty ruthless when it came to discipline.

I also didnt mind getting lost in the crowd because by nature I tend to be solitary. I like to people watch and I can spend the day alone reading or just thinking and be entirely entertained.

Ive always liked to draw and as a boy I would save my money up to buy a artist tablet and would sneak off and draw. There was a old ruin out on a lake behind our house thats about 1500 years old. I would go out there and just sit. listening to the sounds of nature and just sort of soaking it all in. I would do art out there also.

While I was out there I noticed that my mind would quiet down and a sense of peace would come over me. Also. while drawing the singularity and focus of that process quieted my mind and shoved all my worries and problems away.

Years later after I came to this wonderful country I made a friend who was a Hindu. We were interested in each others cultural beliefs and history and would talk for hours about legends and religious practices.

One thing he told me was about shutting down your mind during meditation. and I realized that what he described was what I was doing when I was a boy out at that old ruin.

My friend said that we all have this internal dialogue going on all the time. Its evaluating. planning ahead. thinking back about old problems. And this dialogue keeps us from really experiencing the moment we are in.

He said this dialogue is like a voice in the back of your head thats always talking. I remember he said that the voice he was talking about is the one that just said *what voice?* in my mind.

After that I started practicing shutting down that voice. I cant do it for long. Just a little while. I do it when I am in a beautiful place that I want to experience. Its hard and kinda feels like holding your mental breath at first. But with practice you can do it.

Right after Dday I couldnt do this at all. My internal dialogue kinda went bananas. Instead of always talking it was always screaming. But over the years its quieted down and I can manage it from time to time now.

Try it if you like. Or not. Thats ok too. This is NOT a religious thing. Heck Im about as un-religious as is possible to be. This is NOT prayer. All this is is being alone and quiet and content in the moment.

Sometimes getting a little peace between your ears feels pretty good.

Try doing a activity you like that takes some concentration. Drawing does it for me but YMMV. Find your own thing. This is just a suggestion. Something that you might want to try. Or not.

Mom-of-4 posted 7/8/2014 09:57 AM

Hi all. Will hit the 5 year mark in October.

I get tired too. Primarily mentally. Before the A, I did not have a life experience I couldn't stand so much that I wanted to escape it like the A. I recall spending not days, but months going through my calendar and photos together, trying to understand what happened, where was I when the A was going on, where he was and should have been, what I was doing when he was screwing around with her. It was like trying to un-ring a bell. I was attempting the impossible.

I don't obsess over the A anymore. I do try to escape it though. I hate that. I hate that I look to reading a book, watching an HGTV program, napping, sleeping to escape thinking about the way things were or what could have been.

My thoughts don't revolve around the actual sex or OW. I think more about what it would be like to be in love again. To be uninhibited and totally safe with another person again. I have a hard time remembering how life was before the A now. It is part of my story now.

I really don't like who I have become since the A. Sure, I'm a lot tougher, but not in ways that are attractive to me. I used to be so full of faith in God, so sweet, nice, trusting, eager to be a good friend to others, believing the best about others, eager to take on a new challenge.

NOW- I spend a great deal of my time taking care of my kids, whatever free time I get I'm working out (I'm scared to get old and overweight now). I obsess about my weight. I like staying home a lot- deep down I know I'm hiding. My kids' activities force me to get out and be around people. I find myself enjoying it for a while- you know- being around others and making friends- then something just happens. I feel like I'm not normal, not like everybody else, I have this big secret that changed who I am in every way and no one knows but my WH. Then I want to just stay home and hide. Get lost in caring for my kids. I'm not fully present with them though.

I don't know. I'm glad I'm not where I was the first few years, but I'm not where I want to be. The sad thing is, I don't know how to make it better. We have to stay together for the kids right now. Divorcing and getting a job (especially the job part) scares the heck out of me.

I wish I had just one friend that has been through Infidelity that I could talk to. Not just SI. That would be so helpful. The fact that I don't have one, and I have a lot of friends (just not close ones) had been proof to me that not as many people cheat as we are all led to believe. This leaves me feeling abnormal even more.

I know I'm rambling. Thanks everybody for being here.

justme1264 posted 7/8/2014 10:00 AM

Lost Rainbows - you said it perfectly. I have no advise for you - you are much farther along than I am. I just wanted to thank you for clearly articulating what I am going through.

2married2quit posted 7/8/2014 10:07 AM

Mom-of-4 - You're not rambling. Keep posting. It helps.

I too used to obsess. I don't any longer, but I have days where I have to dig up the phone records, the calendar and photos..etc and feel sane again. I need to see it to know that it did indeed happen and I am not crazy.

I too fantasize sometimes about a life where I'm free to love and crazy about my significant other, but sometimes it's not my wife but someone else. A new person. And then I think of her moving on with someone else and the pit of my stomach panics as I feel those feelings would come back. Is it PTSD or something?

I can't divorce right now. I don't want to hurt my kids.

seethelight posted 7/8/2014 10:19 AM

But I'm just so tired of it. Does anyone else feel like me? Has anyone else felt like me but managed to eventually "let it go"?

I am tired too.

How does one let go of the reality that they are married to a person who was willing to lie and deceive them in such a back stabbing way.

As I have said prior, if a business partner gossiped about you to strangers, lied to you, and deceived you, and stole business assets from you... would you keep him as a business partner?

Many people who have affairs steal marital assets to support the affair, they gossip to the affair partner who then gossips to others, they often rewrite the marital history and that lie is spread with the gossip.

How does one let go of that reality? And, the more important question is Should we let it go?

Mom-of-4 posted 7/8/2014 10:22 AM


I have been finding myself thinking about someone else often (no one in particular), just someone to be my true love again. It's VERY NEW- just in the past 3-6 months. It's weird though. I NEVER thought about another man before the A and even after until recently. I was recently seeing a trainer at my gym. He was much younger but made me laugh so much and we had fitness in common. He was also very handsome. I found myself fantasizing about him. SO- what did I do? I did the smart thing and stopped training with him. Have an affair- no thanks.

For some reason, I have never thought of my WH moving on with someone else. Maybe I should. Maybe that would make me jealous in a healthy way.

I agree with you, I would NEVER want to hurt my kids. They deserve an intact family. I also think a D would be way too complicated.

I'm just so frustrated about where I am in my life. I just don't feel authentic like I used to. I feel like I'm always hiding something because I am. I feel like I've lost so much time. I wasted so many of my younger, beautiful years with my WH. My entire 30s were spent being a wonderful wife and fantastic mother. Since the A, I'm a good mother, but that's about it.

Razor posted 7/8/2014 10:39 AM

I think we need to accept it happened at some point. We cant un-do their affair. We cant make it un-happen. It happened. Its a part of our life. albeit a bad part but still a part.

Accepting doesnt mean forgiving. It doesnt in any way mean that somehow the affair was ok in the least. It was a horrible and awful thing that our WS deliberately did knowing full well that it would hurt us. And they just didnt care if it hurt us or not.

Its hard to accept that our WS made a choice to hurt us and simply just did not give a damn.

Maybe this is easier to get through if there is a D. But for some including me that isnt a option. So here we are stuck living with a person that deliberately chose to hurt us is the most personal and awful way possible.

But are they choosing that NOW?

Thats a important question. Because if they arent hurting us NOW then what we are doing is living in the past. And allowing that past to rule our present. If your WS is doing the work on themself and if they are remorseful and (most important) if they seem to be a somewhat safe bet as far as not cheating again. then dwelling in the past is only hurting ourself. If all this is true then maybe we can accept that it happened. but know that is the past.

Its hard to let go of though. Because remembering keeps us safe in a way. Were watching for behavior patterns that would alert us should our WS cheat again. But if our WS seems to be doing the work maybe we can relax a little bit once in awhile.

What helped me was having a plan b. A plan that I could follow should WW cheat again. I know exactly what I will do. Even down to how the property and finances can be split 50/50 and I will still be ok. Having this plan b lowers my feeling of risk and so I can relax a little bit.

I still think of the past sometimes. How when I was doing this she was doing that. When that happens I try and divert my thinking to something else. That was the past and I try to not live there. The present is better.

Live in the present BUT have a back up plan. Thats what works for me.

[This message edited by Razor at 10:43 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

TimeToGo2014 posted 7/8/2014 11:07 AM

My SO and I have been together for 4 years and there's been issues with other women from the get go. Honestly I feel like I've been dealing with infidelity for 4 years and I am simply exhausted from wondering, underground snooping, side eyeing my SO, and racking up the lies. I feel defeated.

((Hugs)) OP ((hugs))

crossroads2010 posted 7/8/2014 11:43 AM

Wow...I am not the only one. Almost 5 years out...acceptance of the reality of what he did has pretty much set in, but unanswerable questions...why and how? just eat at me sometimes. I also need that quiet time to myself...just peace...walking and sometimes writing do that for me. I also have to focus on me and understand the weight issue. I dropped a LOT of weight after dday (super stress)...but am putting it back on (another kind of stress. I am just able to sort of see a plan for OUR future but always have an alternate plan for just me evolving. I find I have an increasing need to tell him how I have changed because I don't think he knows. As dishonest as he has been with me all these years, I feel guilty sometimes that I am actually NOT being honest with him by not telling him where my mind is...but he is the one who didn't want anymore dialogue about the A.

2married2quit posted 7/8/2014 13:11 PM

Mom-of-4 - I know the feeling. I smile on the outside.

You're very smart. We are in a very vulnerable place and can easily fall into a relationship and move on thinking it's the solution. Good for you for cutting things off early.

I too have contemplated moving on, but I'm too damaged to be good for anyone at this moment. It would be bliss at first, and then reality will hit again. Maybe it's a product of being tired.

Lost Rainbows posted 7/9/2014 05:21 AM

Thank you so much for all your replies. Strange how it somehow helps to know that I'm "normal", yet sad to think so many people are still suffering after so long.

Razor :

That does appeal - to "switch off" even for just a short while. Don't get me wrong here, because I'm by no means suicidal, but I do actually look forward to death one day when my racing mind can be switched off permanently. I don't mean to sound morbid but it's just a thought I have sometimes that the peace of death could be nice. Do you know of any internet resources with help on how to achieve the state you described?

That's good advice - to have a "back up" plan. I'm not married to FWSO. We were engaged at the time of the A and since then he repeatedly asks me to marry him, but I never will. I want to be able to run - as fast as I can, with minimal legal ties - should he ever do it again. I think it's good advice to make some more plans reagarding "what I would do if" - I can see how that might make me feel safER.

Mom of 4 :

I too can barely remember how I felt pre A. It's a very distant memory now. I know that I loved and trusted and felt safe and I know that it was a lovely place to be, but unlike you, I don't fantasize about ever feeling like that again - quite the opposite - I don't EVER want to feel like that again - not with FWSO or anyone else. For me, however lovely it was, it was never worth the pain, anguish and PTSD that its vulnerability left me open to. It's one of the (many) reasons I stay with FWSO - I don't want to risk meeting someone new and facing the possibility of a repeat. Like you, I now prefer to stay at home whenever possible - I trust no-one that I know and no-one that I meet. After the most trustworthy person in your life betrays you, how can you not be suspicious of all the rest?

proof to me that not as many people cheat as we are all led to believe. This leaves me feeling abnormal even more.

Please don't think you're abnormal just because you don't have any real life friends who have been betrayed - I firmly believe that there are many, many marriages who stay together following an A and NEVER disclose what went on. After my XH's first A, we did just that, and, I have strong suspicions that some of my extended family have done the same thing.

I'm just so frustrated about where I am in my life. I just don't feel authentic like I used to. I feel like I'm always hiding something because I am.

Me too. I have become an expert on smiling and joking on the outside. Nobody I know would want to think that I'm still not over "it". Party because they wouldn't like to know that I'm still "sad" and partly because, unless you've been there, it is a common misconception that a BS will get over "it" and if they don't then that would somehow be a failing in them. I feel like one of life's failures anyway so I don't want anyone to be able to add that one to my list of failings. Sometimes I smile and joke and laugh so much (over compensating I guess) that I think I must come across as quite scary.

CrossRoads2010 :

I feel guilty sometimes that I am actually NOT being honest with him by not telling him where my mind is.

I feel the same. I advocate honesty SO much, yet I don't tell him where my head is at any more. TBQH, when I touch on it he usually changes the subject and I just drop it. Not ideal, but what part of this is?

All :

Thanks for all your replies. Sorry for my ramblings - I find it therapeutic to write down my thoughts and comforting to know that there are people out there who will read them and empathise.

Mom-of-4 posted 7/9/2014 07:55 AM

Thanks for responding Lost Rainbows. It's nice to not feel so lonely in all of this.

64fleet posted 7/9/2014 10:08 AM

switching the mind off, yes, still an issue for me. Just can't sleep like i used to....

How does one let go of the reality that they are married to a person who was willing to lie and deceive them in such a back stabbing way.

This is really hard for me. You really can't let it go, IMHO-it happened before, and can happen again. Just make sure you will be OK if it happens again-have a plan in place, money stashed back, etc etc.

Razor posted 7/9/2014 10:27 AM

Lost Rainbows.
Sorry I dont know of any on line references. I have searched and cannot find anything that speaks about it directly. If you search for *No Mind* in Buddhist or Zen some things do come up but I dont know if there is any value there.

Maybe its something you can work on yourself? I like to sit out on my back deck and just look and listen to the world around me. When I find myself thinking about anything in particular I try and silence that voice. In fact my goal is to silence my mental voice / internal dialogue no mater what I am thinking about. My goal is to just be there. feel the air. smell the trees around me. watch the slender branches of the trees dance with the wind. listen to the small creek behind my house.

The voice of the creek helps me the most. I can almost hear spoken words there. like a language I used to know but have forgotten. I just listen and relax.

I find the practice of *no mind* very relaxing.

[This message edited by Razor at 10:28 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]

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