First, welcome to SI. As I read your post, I kept thinking, we're (you, me, and 1000s of others) not alone in this struggle.
I thought years 1 & 2 sucked, though they gradually sucked less and less, but my W was fully on board for R from the moment she revealed her A. I can't imagine how bad they would have been if she hadn't been remorseful and willing to work on herself. For me, life started to get good again about 30 months into full R, but that's going to vary a whole lot, depending on how much work you both have to do.
The people in R who stick around and say SI benefits them tend to make solid demands on their WSes - true NC, honesty, transparency, IC for WS to change from cheater to partner, MC when appropriate, IC for BS when appropriate, plus other requirements that vary by individual.
It sounds like your W is floating through recovery. I suggest you consider identifying your reqs and insisting she meet them. I know that seems risky, but it probably isn't. Your M and a big part of your life are already in shambles. An unremorseful WS just keeps compounding the pain. If she quits, maybe you haven't lost much.
Checkout some threads in JFO, like:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548
Also, the thread in WS on 'What every WS needs to Know' - http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250
Check out the Healing Library - http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp, especially the BS FAQs.
Also, check out the Betrayed Men thread(s) in the ICR forum.
R is a marathon, not a sprint, and the course of R can change at any moment - especially if one of you takes action.
[This message edited by sisoon at 1:16 PM, July 7th (Monday)]