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Feeling like a turn off to my fww

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2married2quit posted 7/7/2014 09:29 AM

Yep, it's true. I'm so negative in my outlook these days. Like anyone and everyone will stab you in the back. Can't trust anyone and this life you are on your own. Sometimes I burst out and say these things.

I'm also easily triggered into anger. I never used to be this way. VERY angry. I hate it. It's not like me.

I have days when this black cloud comes over me and it's like the A is happening right this moment and I'm taken to a place where I am too weak emotionally to function so I push her away and I become this zombie like person.

It's been 2yrs. After dying trying to win back my wife, now I'm scared of turning her off.

MovingUpward posted 7/7/2014 09:56 AM

Why do you push her away? Why do you not allow her to prove to you who she is? Have you done any trust but verifying as a way to help build trust?

I am so sorry that this black cloud comes and visits. It seems to have trapped you from healing as your reactions seem to be to those of protectionism. Can you see the cloud starting to come and if so could you then reach out for your fww and see if she can help you to make the cloud go away? If she is not able to help you then maybe some counseling would help break things down and start moving your healing beyond this state.

2married2quit posted 7/7/2014 10:18 AM

MovingUpward - I've never really told her when the cloud is emerging. She's starting to sense it though. I should tell her really. I may start doing that soon.

Yes, protectionism is where I'm at.

Ostrich80 posted 7/7/2014 12:09 PM

It's scary making yourself vulnerable again to a person who betrays you. So many things running through your mind, wondering what's going through their mind. Talk to her, tell her how you feel.

2married2quit posted 7/7/2014 12:13 PM

Ostrich80 - it is true. I think I'm in protectionism mode most of the time and sometimes I end up pushing her away. I did tell her last week that I sometimes felt like I didn't measure up and I compare myself to OM. I haven't shared with her that I feel like this negative depressing angry idiot that's a total turn off.

MindMonkey posted 7/7/2014 12:48 PM

I get that. I had one of those clouds over me over the weekend.

I should tell her really. I may start doing that soon.

It could help.

zeekitty posted 7/7/2014 12:57 PM

The same thing is happening to me. The anger comes out of nowhere, and I practically vibrate with it. And it's SO HARD to keep from exploding.

totalheartbreak posted 7/7/2014 13:00 PM

I'm so negative in my outlook these days. Like anyone and everyone will stab you in the back. Can't trust anyone and this life you are on your own. Sometimes I burst out and say these things.
I'm also easily triggered into anger. I never used to be this way. VERY angry. I hate it. It's not like me.

I have days when this black cloud comes over me and it's like the A is happening right this moment and I'm taken to a place where I am too weak emotionally to function so I push her away and I become this zombie like person.

I was literally typing up the same thing. I'm at ~9 months.

I've become a cynical misanthropic asshole. As far as I'm concerned now, everyone is out for their own skin. Always.

I used to be optimistic, excited, hopeful and now I believe all of that is bullshit.
I feel like I was crazy and now I have clarity to approach the world. I also hate it.

[This message edited by totalheartbreak at 1:01 PM, July 7th (Monday)]

HighlandPaddy posted 7/7/2014 13:08 PM

You're not alone...I've always had a bit of an Irish temper, but I am always in control..but since D-day (just about a month ago) I hulk out on a regular basis. Completely lose my mind. Yelling, cursing, etc. I'm quite sure that if I ever find the OM, that I would punch my hand through his guts and pull out his spine (sorry, that damn hulk even comes out when I type!)

I've actually scared myself lately. And as you can imagine it makes things very difficult when having a convo with my WW...

2married2quit posted 7/7/2014 14:43 PM

I hate having a negative outlook on people and life in general. It's just not like me. I tend to be a pessimist at times, but I love to dream and have hope.

BeautifulEmpty posted 7/9/2014 03:23 AM

I'm right in this now too...2 years out and I'm doing alright-ish and then suddenly I'm not.
My H starts asking where I am? Am I okay? Why am I so distant? And my personal favorite...has anything happened to set you off?
I'm struggling with the lack of hope, joy, happiness, strength, self worth, being a negative turn off and bad mouthing myself so automatically I shock myself sometimes.
I feel you and I'm sorry you find yourself in this tiny little boat with me and several others. The water is rough.

jjct posted 7/9/2014 05:12 AM

Shock. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Acceptance.
Those are the main stages of healing.
(it's not linear, one can dip in and out of them, sort of like a possessed pinball, but over time, we progress)

It's common to get stuck in the Anger phase
(Paddy, you can borrow my Irish ass-kicking boots) because
- we don't want to be *seen* as an angry person (external reason)
- we don't want to *be* an angry person (internal reason)

This failure to allow ourselves to be angry turns into depression... find a depressed person, and you can spot this - the point where they didn't *allow*.
Depression is anger without enthusiasm.

Embrace the cynical misanthropic asshole within you. (totalheartbreak )
No, really.
Embrace it.
Allow yourself to be that, feel that - don't suppress it!
In time one learns to wield that coldly.
And then in time,
since you've held the hilt of that sword for so long, you'll find your grip on that loosening.
It will become old.
I promise.

One morning you'll wake up with the thought;
"How long has it been since I held it?"

It's beautiful, healing is.
You can do this.

10yearsafter posted 7/9/2014 08:18 AM

Maybe you should go to IC. I have found it to be very helpful.

It is okay to be angry you have been betrayed in the worst way possible. But don't let it run your life.

I have a hard time trusting anyone due to FOO issues but I completely trusted my wife and she betrayed me so yeah I get where you are coming from.

It will get better go see a therapist and talk about it.

It would also help if you tell your wife how you feel.

2married2quit posted 7/9/2014 08:51 AM

jjct - Thank you!!!

BeautifulEmpty - The boat isn't that tiny. We just don't want to talk about it unless we're in a place like this.

Mom-of-4 posted 7/9/2014 09:44 AM

Will be 5 years out in October.

This is affair season for me. I didn't realize it until I was spiraling downward and in bed Friday, not wanting to get out of bed. My WH had upset me so bad the night before. We were headed out for a date night. I had worked out twice that morning, gone to the salon and got my hair colored and blown out, put on a white strapless dress, and was ready for a great night out. I had invited a few other couples but they all had plans, so just WH and I. His response, "how much did your hair cost (just $48 for color and blow out); is that your 3rd protein smoothie of the day? (I'm 5'6" and a size 2 and super fit); boy that dress sure smashes your boobs doesn't it?". In hindsight, I was feeling triggery already, just not very aware of it. Well, those comments really hurt/upset me. I told him so. I said, "that's all you have to say? here I am trying to look good for a night out and that's all you can say?". Then we go out and he acts indecisive about where to eat, which translates to me as not excited about a night out with your beautiful wife. I began to get so angry. We settled on a restaurant and by that time I just couldn't eat. We go to order and he orders a $30 steak! I got so mad! After giving me crap about my hair that cost $48! Never mind the fact that I get my hair colored because I am 42 and starting to get gray hair. Never mind the fact that I am more pretty than any women he even knows. Seriously! I said, 'you order a damn $30 steak and I order a $14 salad and you give me crap about my hair?" He started to back peddle and apologize, but by then it was too late. We didn't talk through dinner. By the time we got in the car I went ape shit! I haven't been that angry in a few months. I told him (in all transparency, not proud of it, never cussed from the time I was 19 until dday at the age of 37), "you are one stupid Mother F%^%^%^!" I told him after all the hell he has put me through this is all he has to offer me tonight? He knew I wanted to make love as well and that's all the effort he could put in. I went on and on for the 10 minute car ride. All of my rantings were legitimate. We arrived home and I went straight to bed. The truth is, I stayed pretty much in bed for 3 days. He came to apologize to me and asked me to get out of bed and my response was either "leave me alone or f*(* off". I made sure he took care of our 5 kids for those 3 days alone. Just like I do when he goes out of town for work for 3-4 days at a time on a regular basis.

I'm still not out of the funk. I'm taking care of the kids, but I feel like shit!

I went from a confident, spunky, fun-loving, kind, good woman to an insecure, bitchy, suspicious, moody bitch since the A. I can't snap out of who I am now. I can't seem to make the choice to somehow resemble the woman I once was.

Anger- that has been the hardest thing to deal with. I was never an angry person. When I began to get angry about the A it was so scary. I have cussed, yelled, broken things, torn up irreplaceable photos. I handle it more positively by working out now, but sometimes the physical exhaustion of working out so hard catches up to me.

Just today I saw my psycho neighbor outside who has been harassing our family. The old me would have blown him off. The current me is thinking, "I wish I could tear that Mother F&*&^s&* head off".

I don't remember life or me before the A. I know that I just don't want to live very long. I feel like I wasted all my prime years on my WH.

I can have good days. They just aren't like the carefree good days before the A.

I hate how fearful and insecure I am now.

Anyone care to cheer me up?

64fleet posted 7/9/2014 10:01 AM

I can tell you the anger will subside eventually I was pissed for years.

2married2quit posted 7/9/2014 10:28 AM

Mom-of-4 - I think I'm triggery all the time. But sometimes I think it's good to bring balance to the relationship. Before she would blow me off if I asked for sex and she wasn't in the mood. Now I trigger and she's aware she did something that's hurtful. It isn't the denial of, but the delivery of the answer.

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