D day 20th may 2014
Ok so I am 7 weeks from d- day and thought I was doing well. I had seen my H at his worst and visibly saw the fog lifting over the last four weeks.
I had asked question and thought I knew all I needed to but over the back end of last week due to a few triggers I had burning questions and felt horrendous. My H is incredibly defensive and I felt I couldn't talk. He had been asking for days what was up and yesterday it finally all came spilling out. It started with a couple of triggers and I explained what they were and how it made me feel and then held my breath expecting a short defensive response and he held my hand and said I understand and I'm truly sorry. I nearly fell over. That is the first time he's been understanding.
So this opened the flood gates. I asked lots and lots of question and he opened up he told me about how the A started, when/ where they slept together how he felt when it ended and how he feels towards me and Ow now.
He said he never stopped loving me but his ego had taken over and he was in complete crisis. He told me things he'd done during this time ( he got in a fight) which mDe me feel so sad as he is not a confrontational person and it broke my heart to think of him so out of character. I had assumed he had not given any thought to why he had A but he's been thinking about it for a while and his explanation astounded me- he really got it!
He said he felt resentful about OW as she was the on,y one that had come out if this situation unscathed. Is that normal? What does that say about them? He said that is all be feels towards her and despite saying he loved her he says he didn't be just loved the ego boost . He told me he had felt rather narcissistic and had even looked it up.
He was so apologetic and I think perhaps remorse maybe setting in ?
He said he despises him self and looks back and can't. Believe it was him.
He said he loves me more now than he ever has and was grateful for me hanging in there even when he was so cruel.
I explained my pain , that I'd rather he had died and would never have married him if I'd known he was going to do that.
He was shocked by his own behaviour and said the triggers he feels just make him feel regret for an awful time of his life. Does that mean she's insignificant?
He said he felt I'd made him a better person and that he feels like he will come through this a better person and that will come through this stronger.
I don't know why I do t feel happier today by all this. I don't know if it's hearing about the A all over again has caused new pain. I don't know if it's because I struggle to believe him.
He was running Late this morning so I didn't have time to gauge how he felt today. He popped back at lunch and didn't seem as affectionate but said he was happy we had talked but was exhausted today.
I don't know why I don't feel better! I thought I would.
Also I'm worried I have dredged up feelings for him by talking about it?
[This message edited by Blanket at 10:18 AM, July 7th (Monday)]
Me -BS (33)
HIM- WS (35)
OW- 18 yr old COW
Together 7 years, married 1
I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger
Don't kick me when I'm down because when I get back up you are f****d!