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Why don't I feel better

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Blanket posted 7/7/2014 10:07 AM

Ok so I am 7 weeks from d- day and thought I was doing well. I had seen my H at his worst and visibly saw the fog lifting over the last four weeks.
I had asked question and thought I knew all I needed to but over the back end of last week due to a few triggers I had burning questions and felt horrendous. My H is incredibly defensive and I felt I couldn't talk. He had been asking for days what was up and yesterday it finally all came spilling out. It started with a couple of triggers and I explained what they were and how it made me feel and then held my breath expecting a short defensive response and he held my hand and said I understand and I'm truly sorry. I nearly fell over. That is the first time he's been understanding.
So this opened the flood gates. I asked lots and lots of question and he opened up he told me about how the A started, when/ where they slept together how he felt when it ended and how he feels towards me and Ow now.
He said he never stopped loving me but his ego had taken over and he was in complete crisis. He told me things he'd done during this time ( he got in a fight) which mDe me feel so sad as he is not a confrontational person and it broke my heart to think of him so out of character. I had assumed he had not given any thought to why he had A but he's been thinking about it for a while and his explanation astounded me- he really got it!
He said he felt resentful about OW as she was the on,y one that had come out if this situation unscathed. Is that normal? What does that say about them? He said that is all be feels towards her and despite saying he loved her he says he didn't be just loved the ego boost . He told me he had felt rather narcissistic and had even looked it up.
He was so apologetic and I think perhaps remorse maybe setting in ?
He said he despises him self and looks back and can't. Believe it was him.
He said he loves me more now than he ever has and was grateful for me hanging in there even when he was so cruel.
I explained my pain , that I'd rather he had died and would never have married him if I'd known he was going to do that.
He was shocked by his own behaviour and said the triggers he feels just make him feel regret for an awful time of his life. Does that mean she's insignificant?
He said he felt I'd made him a better person and that he feels like he will come through this a better person and that will come through this stronger.
I don't know why I do t feel happier today by all this. I don't know if it's hearing about the A all over again has caused new pain. I don't know if it's because I struggle to believe him.
He was running Late this morning so I didn't have time to gauge how he felt today. He popped back at lunch and didn't seem as affectionate but said he was happy we had talked but was exhausted today.
I don't know why I don't feel better! I thought I would.
Also I'm worried I have dredged up feelings for him by talking about it?

[This message edited by Blanket at 10:18 AM, July 7th (Monday)]

tl502 posted 7/7/2014 10:23 AM

There is definitely a feeling of release every time the BS is able to get the pent up emotions out. I needed to do this frequently at first, not very often now. I also needed answers to whatever questions I deemed necessary. Without the ability to have these things, I dont think R is possible.
So many WS feel defensive and try to put limits on these talks. I feel they are just prolonging the agony of the situation.
R is just simply more often successful as well as more quickly navigated when the BS is allowed to work through their pain freely and with the support of the important people in their life.

Time Ticks On posted 7/7/2014 10:23 AM

I would feel worse afterwards also. The reasons were I would find out something new and I would feel bad for making him feel bad. Talking about it does help but it also hurts. It does get better over time.
The first six months for me were brutal. That doesn't mean yours will be. The good part was he was open and honest with you. He let you talk out your fears and feelings and he really listened. He also apologized. These are all really good signs.

unfound posted 7/7/2014 11:34 AM

this scenario will probably play out again and again during these early times. hopefully he'll be consistent in his response and show of empathy toward you, as well as owning his part in it.

I'm worried I have dredged up feelings for him by talking about it?

what feelings? feelings for ow? feelings of how he's hurt you? feelings of remorse? either way, he NEEDS to feel these things. if he doesn't, he's ignoring them, which is not good. it's okay if he feels like shit... he should.

Blanket posted 7/7/2014 11:40 AM

Feeling for the OW I guess. He said he feels resentment towards her because she's walked away unscathed.
Is he remorseful?

[This message edited by Blanket at 12:02 PM, July 7th (Monday)]

sisoon posted 7/7/2014 12:12 PM

Gently, being betrayed brings immense pain with it. It's not for nothing the SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years from the last hurt for recovery. It takes that long to process the pain that has been dumped on us.

Also, my experience was a steady downward spiral until I hit rock bottom, and that took about 3 months. The pain was much worse than I had ever imagined, and it took much longer to process it than I expected.

In other words, you sound like pretty normal to me.

I know it doesn't make sense, but the quickest way through this is to welcome the pain and discomfort - feeling it lets it go, and that's healing. Last night's talk was a step in the right direction. It doesn't feel good, because you've still got more to find out and much more pain to feel....

It does get better, though. If it hasn't already started happening, you'll get glimmers of feeling good, and those glimmers will expand.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:43 PM, July 7th (Monday)]

AML04 posted 7/7/2014 12:54 PM

Feeling for the OW I guess. He said he feels resentment towards her because she's walked away unscathed.

My WH felt this too but then again so did (do) I. The goal is for him to not feel anything toward her at all. Him realizing he never loved her and admitting it is a good step.

I felt better and worse after these types of conversations. It's definitely normal. Do something nice for yourself. Enjoy the good days (moments) when you have them. Try not to let this overtake your whole life. I feel like I did and now I'm not sure how to get out of it.

Blanket posted 7/8/2014 02:20 AM

I thought I'd feel better after the talk but I feel worse and he now won't talk at all because of my reaction he thinks talking is a bad thing. I feel so bad right now.

misslocket posted 7/8/2014 02:33 AM

hope you're ok, ive private messaged you .x

standinghere posted 7/8/2014 03:32 AM

Talking is the only way through. Yes, it is painful, but there is nothing more painful than betrayal.

Your spouse doesn't get what he has done, only thinks that he does, he doesn't truly understand yet.

I never want to repeat that initial 6 months again, I won't. If I was faced with that, knowing what I went through before, I'd close up my heart, get counseling myself, and sever all contact with my WS, I doubt we'd ever speak again.

Blanket posted 7/8/2014 07:15 AM

Will he ever really get it?
He's completely shut down now and there were things that emerged during that conversation that I needed clarity in and be says that talk was enough and he wants to move on what about me?!

sisoon posted 7/8/2014 08:49 AM

You can heal if he won't talk, but you have to leave him behind to do so. You can't R unless he talks and answers your questions honestly.

Are you in MC? An MC may be able to get your H to understand the importance of talking with you.

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