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What does no contact mean?

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zeekitty posted 7/7/2014 11:56 AM

To me it means no contact, not ever. Never ever, the end.

But what about when circumstances force contact? For example, if the wayward spouse works with the AP? What happens then?

heme posted 7/7/2014 12:01 PM

If mine ended up working with one of the people he had an A with (note my husband's As were people he met on craiglist type websites so totally different than a LTA/EA etc) then I would consider no contact beyond what was necessary for them to complete the job at hand. So the two of them talking about an issue with work would be OK but if it veered at all into the personal realm (even chit chat about kids etc) it would violate the no contact.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 7/7/2014 12:04 PM

If they can't transfer/change jobs and contact is integral to the job, then it is business only. No chit chat. No asking how the weekend was. No asking "How are you". Nothing but necessary business speak. And all contact is shared with you.

My H worked with his MOW. Thankfully they were in different depts so there was no need to even be included on the same emails - I did make him "unsubscribe" to the joke email group that was through work as they were both on there and boundaries were crossed regularly prior, during, and after the A.

Wayflost posted 7/7/2014 12:13 PM

Please forgive me if you were not looking for a WS to respond.

No contact to me means NO contact, of any sort, under any circumstances, for any reason. I know that some people have minimal ongoing contact due to work, or family situations, but I donít know how that works because I left the job where it was possible.

3 months after D-day my BH finally took me up on my offer to quit. I had spent about a month at home using up the sick leave I had accrued. I went back for about 2 weeks so I could turn in my notice on good terms, and pull my case-load together for the next person. I also delivered a no-contact letter while I was at the office to one of my APís by leaving it on his chair at the office.

My agreement with BH is that any sighting of any of them and I will be on the phone to him immediately. Any unavoidable contact will be conducted while he is on the phone, or personally present with me. I have blocked them on Facebook, changed my cell phone number, and do not search for them on the internet. The only times I really think about any of them is when Iím talking with my BH about the As, or when working on a homework assignment from my IC.

Leaving the job where there was a potential for contact, or a potential for need for contact was necessary. It may be the biggest high-cost gesture I've made thus far in our process.

[This message edited by Wayflost at 12:13 PM, July 7th (Monday)]

Rebreather posted 7/7/2014 12:17 PM

Then the wayward spouse quits their job. Happens all the time.

rachelc posted 7/7/2014 12:33 PM

No contact means no contact. If he needs to be in contact because of his job then he needs a new job. Or a new wife.

latebloomer45 posted 7/7/2014 12:38 PM


OW works at a location my FWH travels to very little or a lot, depending on business circumstances. A couple of months after D-Day #2 (trickle truth), she showed him some vacation photos. He told me about it but said it "would be rude" to have refused.

That was when I visited the lawyer for the second time. I announced it in MC. After talking it through in MC he realized he needed to "be rude" to OW if that was what it took.

Funny how he somehow rearranged his work life that he almost NEVER needs to talk to her now. A power he swore he did not have before that day in MC.

Bottom line, BUSINESS ONLY.

zeekitty posted 7/7/2014 12:46 PM

Thank you all for your responses.

We are not in a situation where he works with the OW, but there are future circumstances looming in which we will be unable to avoid contact with her, and it gives me anxiety.

zeekitty posted 7/7/2014 12:47 PM

Wayflost, thank you :-) WS are welcome.

DrJekyll posted 7/7/2014 13:06 PM

WS here, for us 1 AP is a COW. So I am diligently looking for another job. In the mean time, Any contact is reported directly to my BS. another AP is a family member. And that is strictly NC. I no longer associate with any of my family. So that there is no possibility of breaking NC. Not positive on your situation. But it sounds like you are saying that NC may not be possible. For myself, I consider my FOO a casualty of the A. Hope that helps any from my wayward perspective.

MindMonkey posted 7/7/2014 13:13 PM

No contact means no contact. If he needs to be in contact because of his job then he needs a new job. Or a new wife.

Agreed 100%

but there are future circumstances looming in which we will be unable to avoid contact with her, and it gives me anxiety.

How could this be possible? NC means no contact, right.

Morhurt posted 7/7/2014 16:10 PM

For me NC is very important. Without knowing your upcoming circumstances it's hard to say how you could proceed but I can't imagine anything that would make contact acceptable at this point.

That being said, we had a NC breach last fall. An AP called my H's work and he answered without checking his caller ID. It was purely business talk but for us, no type of talk is acceptable. We had a lot of discussions after that breach that we should have had before. It's a process and a journey and we're always refining it.

Good luck and I hope you guys can find a way to maintain NC.

Pudding posted 7/8/2014 01:11 AM

In my case, the A continued after NC, when they continued to work together. He transferred to another location and agreed to have only strictly work contact. I demanded to know about every encounter, what he felt when he saw her, who said what etc. If he had to be in her location for a meeting, I texted him 2 minutes before the meeting reminding him to think of me and look on her as the awful woman she was. He worked less and less at her location, but they were still seeing each other and I wasn't being told. I was only really happy about it when he left last summer and joined another company. Apparently, she continued to pursue him and they met for drinks and lunch etc after he moved jobs, but did not have sex again. Leaving the old job certainly assisted enormously in bringing the A really to an end.

I know its difficult to get work etc. But in my experience, NC did not work when they still worked together.

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