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soccermom9 posted 7/7/2014 13:34 PM

My WH and I shared erotic fantasies on occasion to make for hotter sex. He says that drinking and those fantasies in his head are what led him to have sex with his masseuse! He said he had it in his mind that I really wouldn't mind. Is this crap or I am really partially to blame for this happening? We talked about the fantasies and agreed they were just that on many occasions before Dday! Your thoughts?

[This message edited by soccermom9 at 1:41 PM, July 7th (Monday)]

Tred posted 7/7/2014 13:38 PM

Is this crap

Complete and utter crap. What led to him having sex with anyone outside of his marriage has nothing to do with you. Did you act on any of those erotic fantasies?

Badhurt posted 7/7/2014 13:41 PM

Soccer Mom

Nonsense. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. You might have had fantasies of getting banged by six guys. YOU DID NOT DO IT!!!!

soccermom9 posted 7/7/2014 13:42 PM

No i never acted on any of them. He says he wants to reconcile yet how can I when he won't take responsibility for his actions!

tfkeel posted 7/7/2014 13:47 PM

He says he wants to reconcile yet how can I when he won't take responsibility for his actions!

You can't. There's no basis for it if he doesn't "own" it.

soccermom9 posted 7/7/2014 14:19 PM

He is starting IC next week as I am also. no MC yet other than talking with our Pastor once a week. I am unsure how to get this fixed even if it can be. I am reading "torn asunder" and it is eye opening!

seethelight posted 7/7/2014 14:25 PM


Personally, I believe your husband is blameshifting.

Don't buy it.

outtanowhere posted 7/7/2014 14:42 PM

Has he been getting massages for a while or is this something new? I had no idea about happy ending massages until I found out about my husband's sex addiction. He went from these massages to casual encounters with whores on Craigslist.

I also read Torn Asunder. I would caution you that you may have just uncovered the tip of the iceberg.

soccermom9 posted 7/7/2014 14:51 PM

He says it all started 6 months ago and happened 3 times. He has been seemingly very honest but I still have doubts!

soccermom9 posted 7/7/2014 17:16 PM

I am so confused about why this happened! I have only had one thing hurt worse and that was the death of my baby many years ago!

soccermom9 posted 7/7/2014 17:16 PM

I am so confused about why this happened! I have only had one thing hurt worse and that was the death of my baby many years ago!

Razor posted 7/7/2014 17:29 PM

crap and blameshifting.

Ask *HOW was it ok for him to take the private fantasies you shared together and satisfy them outside the M?*

Mercilesslynuked posted 7/7/2014 17:36 PM

Yeah, no. Emotionally mature adults realize the difference between fantasy and reality. This is him grasping at the straws. So let me get this straight... by his logic now if I sleep with a (insert whatever roleplay my WGF and I use), I'm justified and it is no longer my fault? My oh my oh my... how would he feel if you slept with a (insert whatever roleplay he's participated in)?

Edited for clarity's sake.

[This message edited by Mercilesslynuked at 5:37 PM, July 7th (Monday)]

Shockleader posted 7/7/2014 18:15 PM

Know 1000% you have absolutely no blame in this, NONE, not one speck! Do not ever let him, or some quack potential therapist say otherwise.

I know well the pain, and for me the pain was the worst I have ever endured by far; even the loss of family, but thank God never a child. People who have never been through this, especially with spouses who lie, blameshift, rage, are incredibly cruel and remorseless have NO CLUE of how painful it is... It ain't some Hollywood movie, as many folks seem to believe it is... Until the go through it! Be strong, be tough, and lean on the good folks of SI.

soccermom9 posted 7/7/2014 18:44 PM

Thank you all for your support! I will get thru this somehow!

sparkysable posted 7/8/2014 05:39 AM

People do not go to legitimate massage parlors and end up having sex with the massage therapist. They go to "massage parlors" for a "massage", when they know damn well what that kind of place offers for a little extra $, and that's the reason that they go there.

What you are discovering is just the tip of the iceberg. He is giving you what we call TT, which is the trickle truth. Just giving you a little bit of what really happened. Look into it more, and you will find that this story is not what it seems.

mozzchops posted 7/8/2014 05:51 AM

I call bullshit. Mine also said "sexy novels like 50 shades" made her want to be lusted after and lust after others.

soccermom9 posted 7/8/2014 08:17 AM

I just wish I would wake up and this all be a nightmare and he would hold me and tell me everything is ok!

soccermom9 posted 7/8/2014 15:06 PM

I agree there is no justification for his actions but somehow in order to make this marriage work we have it get to the "why".

momentintime posted 7/8/2014 16:42 PM

He did it because that was what he wanted to do. Your fantasies didn't make him do anything. His fantasies should have stayed just that fantasy, not reality. He needs to own his behavior, he knows deep down it was his bad, not yours.

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