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ImSorry11 posted 7/7/2014 16:05 PM

Do any waywards have triggers? It feels like its only BS's that should have them but I get them all the time. AP & I had a playlist. Some of the songs get radio play. I finally had to explain to my BH why one particular song bothered me. He asked so I was honest and told him it was a trigger. Well, this triggered him and we just both felt like shit.

My IC is teaching me EMDR. Unfortunately there is a hotel that AP & I stayed at that's right near where I take my summer course at for school. Going to that class sucks. My breathing gets fast and my heart races. On bad days I'll bawl my eyes out. Not because I pine for him or miss him but bc it was such a disgusting thing I did going to a hotel for sex with another married man when I myself am married.

The other day I was in a grocery store and another "playlist" song came on. I felt the beginnings of a panic attack and I literally plugged my ears with my fingers and started humming until the song was over. I looked like the biggest idiot.

Anyway, anyone else struggle with triggers?

Macsecond posted 7/7/2014 16:32 PM

Yes, me. And for the same reasons as you. It's more over the shame of having cheated than and wishing away all the bad choices I made that led to the affair happening than over missing the AP.

Similar things for me - certain songs, foods, even being on the website that we connected on.

No one to blame but myself, because I opened myself up to him.

sorrowfulmate posted 7/7/2014 21:14 PM

Sunday I was at Church with my wife and had to go to the bathroom during the service and I started triggering bad.

I would leave church and text my AP from the bathroom.

Another trigger is Taylor Swift. My AP was a fan of hers, so when I hear her sing it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

So yeah. I trigger.

caspers1wish posted 7/7/2014 22:32 PM

Do any waywards have triggers? It feels like its only BS's that should have them but I get them all the time.

Anytime we experience trauma, even self inflicted, due to piss poor choices, there are triggers. Waywards are still people, with feelings, we hurt and suffer from the devastation we have created.

I found what was helpful with triggers was to not avoid the trigger, because the anxiety of avoiding made it worse. In a safe environment, maybe with your counselor, face the trigger to work through it, whatever emotions they evoke. It's scary, but I have found it works. So the next time I'm faced with that trigger, I've worked through what it made me feel, it doesn't have the same grip it once had because I wasn't afraid of my reaction.

I hope that helps.

Actionsoverwords posted 7/7/2014 22:35 PM

Many triggers for many things.

I am a SA so my list of triggers run into the size of the yellow pages. But, I am reminded all of the time of how my actions caused the demise of my marriage.

Songs, places, scents, street signs, web page urls, etc.

When I trigger, I usually start feeling terrible about myself. Then I have to do something to numb the pain. Then the cycle starts again. It is a constant battle. It is probably best addressed in IC and by working on oneself.

Matilda23 posted 7/7/2014 22:44 PM

I trigger but I know no where near comparable to BBF. I trigger to his name. I hate it because it's such a common name. When I see a certain car it makes me feel sick. The worst is driving in the direction that AP lived. I get sick to my stomach and want to vomit. I have not learned how to push them aside. But yes I do get triggers.

madnessinmarch posted 7/7/2014 22:52 PM


[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:24 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

Wayflost posted 7/7/2014 23:00 PM


I trigger at unexpected things, and songs. Captain America (the new one) really upset me in one scene. Black Widow is a WS to a "T." Her comments set me off, as did the Captains. It was not a great experience. I did enjoy the movie upon rewatching it though.

ScarlettA1 posted 7/7/2014 23:29 PM

I also have triggers. My husband had a carry on bag that he packed about eight times while we were going through the first three months. He came out of the bedroom carrying it a few times. It would send me into a panic attack. I've come to realize this also had to do with some childhood issues.

My husband and I went and bought him a new bag a few weeks ago. I've tried to help him with his triggers and this was one way he helped me with mine. It meant a lot to me. We are planning to use it when we go to Italy for his 50th birthday this fall.

burntashes posted 7/8/2014 01:07 AM

Yes I trigger daily, sometimes multiple times a day. I never listen to song with AP, but I trigger with any love song about a spouse making one happy or songs my H used to listen to with me, because it triggers an immense sense of loss and guilt. Many other triggers, including AP's name. They cause a whole range of negative emotions- anger at myself, regret, sadness, hopelessness.

I agree with Capers, the way to deal with triggers is to face them, feel the pain and learn to let it go. Some song used to make me feel gutted as soon as I hear them start. I used to listen to them repeatedly everyday and cried till my eyes were puffy, but after a few years I find the same songs still make me feel some sadness, but not nearly the gut wrenching feelings I used to feel. It's better to face the fear and learn to handle the pain, because it gives me more confidence in dealing with the negative emotions. It's honest and faces the reality I created. Having to deal with triggers is part of the consequence of being a WS. You will get better at it, one trigger at a time.

familyfirst posted 7/8/2014 09:52 AM

The music is the worst. You can delete it off your ipod but the rest of the world doesn't always cooperate. When I hear an A soundtrack song, I try to make a new memory. Like "now this song will always remind me of feeling like a piece of crap in the cereal aisle". Something, anything different than "when AP and I listened to this song we were..."

[This message edited by familyfirst at 9:53 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

life4us posted 7/8/2014 12:15 PM

Music is the biggest trigger for me. And not only songs that remind me of that terrible decision, but songs that I associate with my marriage. Songs that made me happy with my BH now make me mad at myself that we don't get that love song life we use to share.

I use to send my BH song lyrics that made me think of him, but now if I were to do that it makes me feel like a liar because I did the opposite of those things. For me, this is harder than the triggers of the OP...

ImSorry11 posted 7/8/2014 13:13 PM

Thanks everyone for your responses. Had another one last night. My BH and I were getting ready for bed and we usually talk and snuggle for some time before actually going to sleep. He was tenderly kissing me and he stopped to tell me that he loved my lips. Fucking hell. My AP used to comment how much he loved my lips. The crazy thing is: BH has never ever commented on my mouth before. In fact I responded by saying, "really? You've never said that to me before" I tossed and turned into the wee hours of the night

IntoTheLight posted 7/8/2014 16:00 PM

Music is a huge trigger for me- I can't listen to any of my favorite songs from the time of the affair.

The biggest trigger is BH walking into a room without a smile on his face. It takes me back to the first few weeks after DDay. I did the whole trickle truth for a few weeks after confession. Dh would discover/I'd give him new details and he would go nuts and try to throw me out. I came home one day to a packed suitcase and he told me it was over, he was calling an attorney the next day. I finally gave him the important facts and after meeting with MC individually and together several times, she suggested we draw that line in the sand and stop discussing details- especially since we determined just a few weeks out that we would try to reconcile. However, this hasn't given me any peace at all.

A few weeks ago, it was the end of a really great day and were getting ready to relax and spend some time together. Then BH walked in the room with this mean look on his face and said "This reconciliation is not happening." He pulled an empty carton of ice cream from behind his back that I had eaten- it was a joke (not a funny one). I literally fell to the floor, shaking and crying uncontrollably, physically sick, wouldn't let BH touch me. I've recently talked to my psych about the anxiety and panic I feel at home in the late afternoon- I believe it's from coming home that afternoon to the suitcase. I still feel sick when I think about it.

Anytime we experience trauma, even self inflicted, due to piss poor choices, there are triggers. Waywards are still people, with feelings, we hurt and suffer from the devastation we have created.

Thanks for posting this. So many people in my life treat me as though I am no longer worthy of being treated as a human being with feelings.

Having all of that said, I can only imagine what BH feels- triggers everywhere, describes the feeling he had when I confessed as "physical pain."

LostTime posted 7/8/2014 16:06 PM

I am realizing more and more just how many things trigger me.

I have lived so closed off for so long everything is affecting me more now. Everything from couples walking together, families out together, music, movies & TV (I don't really watch it anymore because of everything), places, seeing my BS on her iphone, photos, memories of trips.

Maybe it's being more aware but I try to look at these things positively and introspectively instead of shaming myself. Using it to motivate myself and keeping on going one foot in front of the other.

Eponine posted 7/9/2014 01:15 AM

Abundant/frequent triggers here-
-XAP is local business owner; there's only one way in/out of town and it takes me by his business each direction...used to meet him there often.
-XAPs last name is on huge number of vehicle license plates/frames driving around our county.
-We attend the same church but at different times - usually. XAP was there with BW and kids same time as us last Sunday. His business/family photo are on the back page of the weekly church bulletin.
-XAP and family live 1.5 blocks from my mom's house.
-So very few in our community know about what happened to end the (formerly very strong) friendship between our families, so their name is often mentioned by others in conversation, usually within our church community...triggery not only for what happened to rupture the friendship but for the pain caused and grief/loss over both.

Like the concept of 'mental no contact' and try to practice it.

NoGoodUsername posted 7/9/2014 13:02 PM

Yes, I struggle with triggers too.

Before we moved, I used to drive past the freeway exit to my AP's place on my commute. That one was pretty awful.

Any infidelity related material in 'entertainment' really messes me up and it's everywhere. Sometimes I can handle it, sometime I can't.

Damned commercials- that one State Farm one with the guy on the phone in the middle of the night. I just want to throw things when that comes on. "F* you, that's not funny!"

Sitcoms with object lessons about truthfulness.

Certain social groups / subcultures.

Lots of my favorite music. My AP and her husband were 'friends' and a lot of the music we listened to is now tainted.

There's more but this certainly gets the point across. If I have all of this, what must my BW be going through?

cissie posted 7/9/2014 16:37 PM

I had a big trigger the other day.

My BH was flicking through the channels and he settled on "cheaters". I was in the other room and heard the audio. They were showing the BW the video they had taken of the cheaters going to his car and having sex in the parking lot.

I was alone with my AP twice and once was in a car. We kissed and made out.

I felt like dirt again. I haven't mentioned it to my BH. Should I? How do you broach something like that?

NoGoodUsername posted 7/9/2014 20:36 PM

Of course, I have no idea how things are for you, but my BW prefers when I mention triggers and bad feelings. She says it makes her feel like she's not the only one feeling these things.

Alyssamd24 posted 7/10/2014 06:58 AM

I have experienced quite a few triggers, though as time has gone by they have lessened.

One that I still deal with is the town my A took place and one specific parking lot (where I would go on my lunch break and talk to XAP). I avoid the town as much as possible now but there are some times I have to drive through it to go home, and I hate those days.

Another major trigger is multiple sclerosis and anything that has to do with it because XAP has it, and many of our conversations were about that.

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