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Said he will sleep in next room-trying to control me?

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Jomarion posted 7/7/2014 16:46 PM

I have told him three times now to go if he is not interested in making me safe. His response is quiet anger or blame of me ('no matter what I do you will never feel safe')

I went to my university reunion where I met my good friend of 28 years. He also returned with me. Just his being here helped me to be stronger. I know on this website saying we are 'just friends' can sound suspicious, but we really are just friends, and we both have firm boundaries,I am friends with his wife, and most of all, I have too much self-respect to ever be a shit the way my wbf was a shit to me. I may be a mess and a serious co-dependent, but I am not a cheater!

When I returned from my reunion and after my friend left, I told my wbf that my wbf had not responded to my saying he needed to leave if he did not do obvious work on himself. His response was to be quietly angry, say that no matter what he does I will never feel safe, and to say he will be sleeping in the next room.Also, where was his DVD?

Is this going to sleep in the next room a tactic to try to get me to back down?

He also demanded, quietly but angrily, how many days he has to leave. I did not know what to say. I was scared. I said if not making me feel safe and alcohol is more important to him, than go tomorrow.

He said he will, as I will not open the door tomorrow anyway.I said why should I open the door to someone who is not interested in making me feel safe?

But tomorrow, he may be very sweet and apologetic again.

Please, I need support again.

I sense freedom at the thought of his going, but I could change on a dime, get sad, desperate, and hurt. He knows very well how to hurt me, what to say. I never really realised before how good he is at it, I would simply get hurt.

k94ever posted 7/7/2014 17:22 PM

You've taken a HUGE step in healing simply by realizing that in the past, you would take his hateful words and actions and let him hurt you.

This is a milestone event for you.

Now.....ask yourself why you would do this.

You are worth so much more than what he is giving you.

You can do this.

{{{hugs}}}

k9

Mercilesslynuked posted 7/7/2014 17:31 PM

What a passive aggressive conversation from him if you don’t mind me saying! He’s blaming his inability to work on himself… well… on you. At what point is he responsible for himself? You are not with a man, but a man-child who runs to the next room when you are offering him even a CHANCE to step to the plate. Do you know how many wayward’s would KILL for even the chance to take a swing? Read wayward for a day and you will rapidly see the difference between getting it and not getting it.

I do not know if you have set a day for him to leave yet, but no matter what you stated if he’s asking I would have told him “NO, RIGHT NOW!” very firmly. Keep pushing him out of that door, you deserve far far far better than this emotional infant has to offer.

If he comes to you tomorrow being sweet and apologetic recognize it for the act it is. This child has shown you his true colors, it also sounds like the apples did not fall far from the tree. Remove yourself from the drama, FTG. Fuck. That. Guy.

Skan posted 7/7/2014 18:18 PM

I normally would never suggest someone so close to DDay go to the Wayward forum, but I think in your case you need to actually see what remorse looks like so that you can stiffen your spine enough to get rid of the huge millstone that is hanging around your neck and dragging you down. As long as your WBF continues to try to snow you, you cannot find safety with him.

Jomarion posted 7/7/2014 18:19 PM

He seemed passive/aggressive to me too, makes me think his tactics are changing. He used to say horribly cruel things to me like, five years post-affair, when we would fight and I would tell him to leave, he would say 'ok, I will go sleep in ----'s bed.' (the woman his daughter was living with and who is known to have affairs and whom he saw almost every day). I would still tell him to go, but then a total wreck terrified and confused he could be so hurtful, using the affair's pain to threaten to hurt me in the same way.

Now I think, if he goes to another woman, good. He will be her problem. Maybe she'll even cheat on him! THIS thought is HUGE for me. You do not know how it ripped me up inside, almost beserk with pain, his threatening to go to another woman, after seeing me so hurt and even near suicidal after the first affair.

I am beginning to realise I do not want to be with a shit, and if he will not change, it is his choice, I will be OK.

Though I sill cannot believe the level of cruelty he has been capable of. It staggers me, how he used the affair's pain to further control and hurt me.(the next day he would apologize and say he loved me, so I caved.) And how it worked! He did control and hurt me enough to do anything so as not to upset or anger him.

Jomarion posted 7/7/2014 18:19 PM

He seemed passive/aggressive to me too, makes me think his tactics are changing. He used to say horribly cruel things to me like, five years post-affair, when we would fight and I would tell him to leave, he would say 'ok, I will go sleep in ----'s bed.' (the woman his daughter was living with and who is known to have affairs and whom he saw almost every day). I would still tell him to go, but then a total wreck terrified and confused he could be so hurtful, using the affair's pain to threaten to hurt me in the same way.

Now I think, if he goes to another woman, good. He will be her problem. Maybe she'll even cheat on him! THIS thought is HUGE for me. You do not know how it ripped me up inside, almost beserk with pain, his threatening to go to another woman, after seeing me so hurt and even near suicidal after the first affair.

I am beginning to realise I do not want to be with a shit, and if he will not change, it is his choice, I will be OK.

Though I sill cannot believe the level of cruelty he has been capable of. It staggers me, how he used the affair's pain to further control and hurt me.(the next day he would apologize and say he loved me, so I caved.) And how it worked! He did control and hurt me enough to do anything so as not to upset or anger him.

Jomarion posted 7/7/2014 18:25 PM

I will go read the wayward section. It will be tough to do, painful, to further open my eyes. I so much want him to be remorseful, it will be hard to read of true remorse. Will probably get really jealous.

Sorry I seem to post twice the same message. I am very computer illiterate and do not know what I am doing wrong.

doggiediva posted 7/7/2014 19:29 PM

Let him leave and see how well you can breathe without him...
You will get stronger as time goes by..
You will begin to wonder why it took you so long to get rid of him after his first A ...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:31 PM, July 7th (Monday)]

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