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Devastatedin2014 posted 7/7/2014 17:40 PM

I just found out a week ago that my husband of 5 years( anniversary is in three weeks) and spouse of 12 years cheated on me two times with a woman he met while working away. He met her at a bar and slept with her twice. This happened in February/March as far as he can remember. I was suspicious as he was constantly hiding his phone and being an asshole in general. I found the proof the other day on his phone and confronted him. He admitted to it and has said that he wants to work on our relationship. He has provided full disclosure on his cell, computer, etc. I am having such a difficult time with what he did and why. I can't stand the mental images in my head of them together. How am I supposed to even try to reconcile if I can't stop picturing what he did? How can I ever trust him again? I feel like our last twelve years together have been a lie! Please help!'

Razor posted 7/7/2014 17:54 PM

For now your job is to keep yourself healthy.

Eat. Allot of us lost significant weight right after Dday and the *affair crash diet* is really NOT a good way to go about it. If you have trouble holding food down get some of those liquid nutrition drinks (forget the brand name).

Drink. Keep yourself hydrated. STAY AWAY FROM ALCOHOL. Alcohol is a depressant and you really dont need help in that department.

If you have trouble coping see your doctor for anti-depression drugs. Also consider getting a counselor to talk through your feelings with.

Exercise. Keep busy. That will help your mind active but away from poking at the affair. Right now the wound it too raw. You need to start healing yourself.

Sleep. If you have trouble sleeping. Exercise will help but if you still cant sleep try Melatonin. This is a NATURAL sleep aid available in the vitamin section. DONT OVER DO IT. Keep your dosage per night below 10mg. Talk to your doctor about this too.

Now what is your husband doing?

This bothered me:

This happened in February/March as far as he can remember.

He REMEMBERS more than he is letting on.

Its common for a WS to minimize the affair right after Dday. They do this in the name of *protecting* you but its actually only about protecting themself.

READ THE HEALING LIBRARY. Theres a wealth of knowledge there.

Shinypenny posted 7/7/2014 17:58 PM

I'm so sorry! This is so hard! You are in shock so don't worry about whether or not to reconcile. There is time enough to make that decision later. Take care of yourself. Find some friends and/or family to confide in (or just keep posting here). Try not to worry about the why. It has nothing to do with you. There is a fault within him that he needs to address and fix and he may need IC to do so. If you choose to reconcile you can try MC, but you don't need to worry about that now. I totally get that feeling that the part of your life being a lie. I feel that way too. My 5 year anniversary is in 3 weeks too. It stinks having that looming up with this mindset. I am only 3 weeks in so I'm by no means an expert, but I will say that while I am still pretty depressed I am finding that doing things for myself is at least making me feel like I will survive this one way or another. I'm sure someone with more perspective will chime in with great advice. Hang in there!

justme1264 posted 7/7/2014 18:07 PM


I am so sorry you are here.

The best advice I can give you is to read the Healing Library over and over, and keep posting. You will find the answers to your question in time. The best thing on your side right now is TIME and self care. Do what it takes to get through the day and just be kind to yourself. This is a horrible road you are on, but you are not alone. This crap doesn't get easier, BUT you do get better at it.

woundedwoman posted 7/7/2014 18:13 PM

Hi, Devastatedin2014.

I'm sorry you are here.

Mental movies are very difficult. I tortured myself with them for months.

Your last twelve years together hasn't been a lie. I understand why you feel that way. You might doubt lots of things, question things...wonder if it's happened before.

I agree with much of what Razor wrote. I have to add, ask your husband for all the details. All. The. Details. For me, that stopped the mental movies (my hubby went to a massage parlor). Ask for the details over and over again - that way you can be certain if he's telling the truth or minimizing things like Razor suggested. Liars can't keep lies straight. Let's face it- anytime anyone gets caught doing wrong (not just cheating) they minimize the facts. Just calmly tell him you need to know all the details. And the next day, ask again for the details, and so on and so on and such.

It's great he's giving you full disclosure on his cell, etc. Tell hubby he lost his right to privacy- you see his cell phone every day, you see the phone bills, you see the credit card bills, you see all his online emails/clubs etc whatever, you get to count the money in his wallet when he leaves for work in the morning, and you get to count the money in his wallet when he returns and he needs to show you receipts when he goes to bars or restaurants, perhaps tell him no more bars without you, you get to track his location via his phone-if that's not an option, well he's sending you selfies every hour or every half hour or every ten flipping minutes. He needs to earn that right back. And you don't have to be _itchy about it, just say "let's see it." And if he has to travel...then firmly inform him - you need selfies constantly.

Lastly, go get tested...even if he says he wore a condom....I'm sorry to write this, but if there was oral sex or could be at risk. There's a lot of scary, drug resistant STD's out there...including ones found in the throat. I'm worried because this happened months ago and you are learning it now. My situation was similar. I was so angry my hubby did what he did, but even more angry that he didn't tell me right away. He did do STD testing, but didn't do it correctly - you must do it over a period of 6mos to a year and during that time, you must practice safe sex.

I would suggest marriage counseling. Ask your doctor or your pastor who to recommend. We picked someone off our insurance web site and the counselor was a disaster. Spent six months attacking me.

I'm 8 months out and healing.

Wish you luck.

Daddo posted 7/7/2014 18:18 PM

I'm so sorry

I'm glad you found this forum though, you will get a lot of advice and support here.

You are only 1 week in. It is way to early to say that you want to reconcile. You need time to digest to heal, to see how strong and real is your WS's remorse.

You just took a major emotional blow. Don't try to figure out the future. Just take care of yourself and get through each day, one day at a time.

I'm all for trying to save marriages - and sometimes they can be saved - it can happen. But it is too early for you to think about that or to work on your marriage.

Keep reading and posting and learning. You may very well need some real help - a therapist or councelor to talk to. What you can't do is expect to rely on your WS for support. He is the cause of your pain, he can't be your support.


It will get better

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