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How can I move forward?

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daisyg posted 7/7/2014 18:06 PM

I found in March that my husband was texting and possibly seeing another woman. I confronted both of them and they lied. He eventually said sorry for texting and that was the end of that. In December I had a gut feeling that something was happening. I asked and he reassured me nothing was. In march I found out and convinced myself it was innocent and move on...nothing happened. In may I went out of town for 10 days with my kids to visit family....I don't trust him so I put spyware on his phone everything was good...till I got home heard a recording where I could here him on another phone. I confronted him and he lied and said no.....I recorded him speaking to his brother to please hide the phone he had at his store. His brother was out of town so can you guess who stopped by for his phone...ME! AGAIN the same woman. He told me sorry nothing had happened and it was all business he knew I would freak out if he talk to her so for the sake to business he had to call her from another phone. WHAT!!!! (he sells merchandise to her HUSBANDS gas station!) I didn't eat for 7 days and I was just in BED! I have two little ones that suffered so much just watching mommy cry. During that time I suspected he had another phone. I kept recording him till I was able to here a convo asking her what did she want to would be up to her. I DIED that night inside....and I haven't been able to come alive ALL of JUNE was a nightmare...she was living he life with her hubby while my family was destroyed. I finally decided to go tell her husband. I felt that was the only way to get them to stop. BUT was that MY JOB??? They no longer speak and she literally dropped off the face of the planet for now. This is not her first affair...she will find another victim. I am sooo angry...beyond reason. This woman is by no way better then me...she is not prettier then me. WHAT DID WRONG????? He won't confess...he keeps denying...he comes from a family of cheaters he brother just cheated on his wife last year, ALL his friends cheat and his dad cheated on his mom all the time. I was just the next in line. He promises he loves me but if he did WHY RISK ME!!!! I don't know what to do anymore. every chance I get I rip him a new one. I can't forget no matter how hard I try I CAN'T! All I think about is how he gave a part of his heart that was mine to another woman...all his friends knew, his most likely had sex with her, and he had feelings with her. He was willing to risk me , I was a good wife....I don;t understand. My sister is my best friend and now she won't even speak to me because I won;t leave him. I just want my family back....I just want my life back. I feel duped in life and ripped off. My heart is in a Million pieces and I can't grab them all. He is trying but I push him away. How can I move on???

Sorry for heart just spit out everything. :(

[This message edited by daisyg at 6:08 PM, July 7th (Monday)]

hopefull77 posted 7/7/2014 18:18 PM

I am sorry you find yourself here...but you will get advice from folks who have been down this road....
Read the articles in the healing library especially the. One about the 180...
Try and be strong for your kids...
you will get through this....focus on yourself and your kids....

woundedwoman posted 7/7/2014 18:29 PM

Sorry, daisyg.

Wow...sounds like something has been going on for a while. I'm sorry to read about your sister not speaking to you because you won't leave him. It's so easy, soooo easy for those untouched by infidelity to say "leave him." When you are married and have's not so easy to leave. There is reconciliation and forgiveness. You need to tell your sister you are in pain and her support will make it better, her ignoring you will increase your pain.

Please, make a doctor's appointment and get tested for STDs. Ask your doctor if he/she can recommend a counselor. Suggest marriage counseling to your husband.

In regards to your husband trying and you pushing him away, well...he'll just have to keep trying.

He has lost all rights to privacy. You get to see all his cell phones, his credit cards, every email address he has, any clubs or online places he goes, you get every password. He needs to check in with you frequently throughout the day - you track his phone, he sends you selfies. You get to call his work or cell and learn exactly where he is and who he is with. You count the money in his wallet in the morning, and you get to count that money in the evening and he needs to show you a receipt showing what he spent his money on.

You get all the details. And you keep asking about those details. Cheaters will minimize what they did...eventually the truth will come out. Liars can't keep lies straight.

You didn't do anything wrong.

LittleMag79 posted 7/7/2014 18:54 PM

I have no advice, as I am new to this club. Just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. ((Hugs))

[This message edited by LittleMag79 at 6:54 PM, July 7th (Monday)]

Christy516 posted 7/7/2014 21:54 PM

Daisy, gently, how hard is he trying if he is still lying? It sounds like he just wants you to forget about it and move on. That's to make it easier on him, not to help you. I know my healing couldn't begin until i was sure i knew the truth and wasn't being lied to anymore.

katiescarlett posted 7/7/2014 22:53 PM

I'm sorry you're going through this. He is not remorseful at all. Do get checked for STDs.

daisyg posted 7/8/2014 09:22 AM

He is really trying hard to lie.....I push and push and push and nothing. I know the truth and yet I am here. I am hurt so bad. I have major mood swings from happy to soooo pissed off I just cant stand it. I have literally made myself sick from all this to the point I get a stomach ache and throw up. I have failed as a mom during this time...last night my kids were crying mommy stop daddy tell mommy you love her...we are a family...things will never be the same. Mind you they are 5 and 3. I have failed them because I am broken and I don't know how to control my emotions. He doesn't leave and insist that he loves me. Insist that he wants to make me happy. I have been with him for 12 years and I am moved from my country to his I have no family here and my only communication with my family was the phone and now I can't even speak with them as I hide everything and my sister is the only who knows and refuses to support me. I feel like I have given my life, heart and soul to him and it was nothing. This woman is a serial cheater and I am pissed that my husband fell into her trap and he chose to be with her. I try to understand the other side and I can't. I even thought about having a affair myself and calling it even, but that is far from who I am. CHeating to me is not cheating on only my spouse but my kids too. I read the 180 and ummmm I have broken them all. Last night was horrible...and yet here I am still and so is he. I decided to push reset and try the 180 from here on out. This morning I got up and talked about normal stuff and I didn't do the usual hugging, love you thing....I just did my own thing. I need him to show me not tell me. Sorry to ramble again I am just writing as it comes to me. :(

[This message edited by daisyg at 9:25 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

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