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EasyDoesIt posted 7/7/2014 21:23 PM

I thought I had graduated from needing SI and only came here to encourage others or to be reminded of how far behind me the mess of my so-called marriage was....until this last weekend.

Those of you who know my story know that I was brutally raped by my then-spousal unit. It's been over four years and I haven't been touched, haven't dated, haven't been interested, haven't kissed, nothing.

I ran into a friend at a restaurant a while back and she invited me to her I went. Long story short, she introduced me to a guy, but not as a blind date. It was more of a back seat thing. Bikers. He had an empty back seat. That's all there was supposed to be to it. An afternoon ride on a Sunday afternoon and nothing more.

Except he likes me. I mean really likes me. I don't want to be liked in that way. Except he's a real gentleman and it was fun to be on the back of a motorcycle again. It's been many, many years.

So then he asked me if I wanted to go dancing with him and our mutual friend/her husband. I didn't see anything wrong with it but I didn't consider it a date. Because I'm a fucking idiot, that's why.

So the beer was flowing and I was dancing and having a great time. He brought me home and he tried to kiss me and I had a flashback. It wasn't good. I moved away and just hugged him back, but avoided any facial contact. He thought I was being a lady. I was reliving a nightmare.

We went out for another ride the other day and I thought, "I can do this. It happened years ago. I can put it behind me." Except I can't. So when he tried to kiss me again, I moved away and he chuckled and asked me if I was afraid that I was going to feel something. I waved goodbye. I told him I'd talk to him later.

I skipped the ride yesterday that they all go on every weekend to wherever. I called him today and told him that I wanted to talk to him. He picked me up and we rode to a biker bar. This guy isn't a 1%er, he's just a guy with a motorcycle. Not a creep. But then I'm a bad picker.

Anyway, I told him that I wanted a drink and a shot and that we were going to have a little chat. I told him that even though I didn't feel like I owed him an explanation, I felt like he deserved to know that it wasn't him I was avoiding. And, for the very first time in an actual conversation, I used the word "rape." Up until now with the very few people who know what happened, I used the term, "what happened." I just haven't been able to bring myself to say that word. I don't know why.

<many tears> So I told him that I am a project and that it wasn't him I was avoiding, and that when I finished telling him what I had to say that he absolutely couldn't use the words, "I'm sorry" and that he couldn't look at me and see me any differently than he did before. And I told him what happened. I told him that when he tried to kiss me it brought back being raped and bitten by the man who was supposed to love, honor, and protect me. I told him that 95% of the time it doesn't affect me, but when it does, there's very little I can do to control it. I have techniques, I have deep breathing, I have displacement. But I don't have control of the triggers. I told him that it had never been an issue before because I never had any intention of going out with anyone or touching anyone ever again.

And now I feel stupid.

Because I am a bad picker and because I do want and need affection, but I didn't realize that I did until he put his arms around me.

And how can that mother fucker still be fucking up my days when I divorced his dumb ass a couple of years ago. Why does this have to be an issue?

Out for a nice ride, hanging out with a nice guy, great music, beautiful day.....and I shut down.


ArkLaMiss posted 7/7/2014 21:29 PM

Honey, get into therapy. Pronto. This new guy sounds like a winner if he sticks around. Look, you have ptsd, obviously, and need some help dealing with and recovering from it. Hugs. Let the new guy in. Please.

nowiknow23 posted 7/7/2014 21:47 PM

((((EasyDoesIt)))) I'm so sorry honey. I think it's time to talk to a professional. There's no shame in it, you know. You deserve to be free of this burden. Sending you strength.

jo2love posted 7/7/2014 22:44 PM


I'm so sorry. I agree that IC could be a wonderful help. I needed it. My xh used to drug and rape me. I'd wake up for 3 seconds, not be able to fight back, and pass back out. It haunted me for a long...long time. Years later, xwbf would tell me that if he tried to curl up to me while I slept, I would pull away and go into the fetal position.

Please know you are not alone. We are here for you. I think working through this with IC will help lift a weight you've been carrying. You deserve happiness. Sending you strength.

Nature_Girl posted 7/7/2014 22:45 PM

Please investigate EMDR. It helps. ((((HUGS)))

EasyDoesIt posted 7/7/2014 23:24 PM

Can't thank you enough for your responses. I was in therapy for over a year when I had insurance. I don't have it now and cannot afford it.

I was mastering everything just fine until someone touched me.

So weird, I had forgotten the biting. It was such a small part of that last rape. Along with the choking it didn't account for much. My face, my lips, my breasts. I remembered the choking but not the biting until this guy tried to kiss me. The being held down and brutalized/torn/shredded while his mouth was all over me is what came back. To be honest, I'm surprised that I didn't slap this poor guy.

He seems like such a nice guy too.

yewtree posted 7/8/2014 00:07 AM

But... You let him in, and you let him hug you.
I bet he wanted to find hat pos an throttle him for you. But instead, he hugged you.

That was a huge step for you! If nothing else you just met a great new friend. Good luck with your healing.

Try you tube "tapping" technique! It's free and it works!

Compartmented posted 7/8/2014 10:25 AM

Try "Waking the Tiger" by Peter Levine. Are you near Atlanta?

{{{{{ Easy }}}}}

EasyDoesIt posted 7/8/2014 11:01 AM

I'm near Atlanta, yes. I'll have some time today to look up the rape crisis center # and attempt toget involved in something. I don't know how I'm going to squeeze it into a schedule that has no time for variance, but it appears that I need it more than I realized.

This whole thing just sucked and it should have been fun. How fucked up is that?

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/8/2014 11:14 AM

(((easy))) you're doing the best you can with an extremely shitty situation and IMO, you're doing fine. You know your boundaries and are able to deal with how you feel when you're triggered, you've sought some help, and most importantly, you're able to acknowledge that what your ex did is still something you need to deal with. You did the hard, painful thing when you talked with the new guy and didn't throw yourself into a situation where you might "sink or swim".

Just keep swimming.

Compartmented posted 7/8/2014 15:55 PM

I sent you a PM.

JanaGreen posted 7/8/2014 16:28 PM

EDI I've told you before that I am in awe of your strength. Your story was so harrowing when you were working to get away from him, I remember the relief I felt when you were free! You are one strong, strong lady. I hope you do find a way to get some professional help with the PTSD and triggers. You deserve every happiness after the hell you went through.

caregiver9000 posted 7/8/2014 16:36 PM


I think this might be the next chapter in your healing.

Keep the communication open (you with yourself, and with this gentleman fellow if he continues to be a gentleman.)

There is no shame in scars, and this is just an emotional scar. I have complete confidence that you will navigate this part beautifully.

EasyDoesIt posted 7/8/2014 20:05 PM

JanaGreen, you threw me a lifeline when I needed to hear a voice years ago. Remember that? I will be forever grateful to you for what you did for me.

I've thought about this whole thing quite a bit the last 24 hours and realized today that I actually feel empowered. I didn't think I would. I didn't know what I would feel, I didn't want to talk about it because I very much want for it to have never happened. Since the latter isn't an option, dealing with it becomes the only choice.

None of this has been easy. July 04 would have been our anniversary and I didn't even realize it until almost 10:30 pm, never crossed my mind the whole day or the day before. I think that's progress. Well, in one area anyway.

I'll graduate in May with my first of hopefully a couple college degrees. This is also empowering.

One thing that keeps striking home is how healing is a process, not an event. I know I wouldn't be where I'm at today if it wasn't for SI and the support of people I will probably never meet in real life. Can't thank everyone enough. Each time I think I'm through with the mess, I realize there is something else that needs dealt with.

This guy really does seem like a nice guy. I told him that I didn't expect anything from him at all, not even understanding. He was very respectful. When we parted yesterday he hugged me and pecked me on the cheek, no kissing. I felt very safe for the first time in many years. Tears fall freely now that I'm alone with my thoughts.

yewtree posted 7/8/2014 23:26 PM

you have healed more than you think! Keep moving forward!

Pass posted 7/9/2014 09:15 AM

I don't pretend to understand how you must be feeling: I certainly haven't had any of the trauma you have. However, I do have days when something happens, and my feelings backslide. I end up feeling sad about something that I thought I was over months ago.

My shrink tells me that these are bumps along the way. It doesn't mean I'm going back to the way I was back then. It's just a bad memory that has surfaced, and reminded me of the bad feelings.

You have taken amazing strides forward in your recovery. What you're going through right now doesn't negate any of that. You should be proud that you felt able to share with this guy. It shows that you're willing to trust on some level again.

That can't be easy after the nightmare you've been through.

JanaGreen posted 7/9/2014 09:52 AM

((HUGS)) I'm so grateful that I was able to help you. I feel humbled that I was able to do that.

I hope to see many happy updates from you in the future.

norabird posted 7/9/2014 10:01 AM

Every new experience in healing brings up different associations and exposes new ground for us to work on. It's a sign of progress that you are able to have this chance to address and work with your triggers. You WILL conquer them, with help and patience and time. Be kind to yourself.

EasyDoesIt posted 8/10/2014 23:39 PM

So it's been almost two months or so. I'm still seeing the guy but there has been no intimacy. We've had a few motorcycle rides, been to dinner....he's not pushing for more.

With bikers the rule is generally "gas, grass, or ass." He doesn't do drugs, he isn't getting ass (at least not from me and I don't believe he's seeing anyone else because the poor guy is smitten with me), so I guess I better start buying gas.

I don't know what to do from here. I really enjoy the time I spend with him but it could be time with anyone on a motorcycle, if you want the truth. I just like riding. My daughter and my best friend tell me that I'm just using him. I suppose that's true although I don't mean it to be that way.

My mind just blocks out anything past a friendly hug. I was honest about it up front. It isn't like I ever deceived him. I gave full disclosure.

Now what?

ArkLaMiss posted 8/11/2014 00:35 AM

Wow, progress, indeed! Either buy your OWN motorcycle or just keep moving forward. It sounds like he's willing to give you time and space, which is huge. Girl, you've definitely come a long way!
Are you in therapy? If so, is it helping? Just keep reminding yourself that there ARE good men out there who will cherish and love you, warts and all.
Continued peace and healing to you.

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