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WellHell posted 7/7/2014 23:27 PM

Today I found out my wife cheated on me. We've been married a couple years and together for four and we have no kids. And like so many other cases, this affair felt like it came out of nowhere for me. Recently I've noticed she'd been texting alot all throughout the night. I didn't think much of it at first, but one night when I looked over her shoulder and asked who she was texting so much she became extremely defensive and told me not to read her texts. I'd grown increasingly suspicious over the next couple days and decided to take a quick peak at her facebook messages while she was in the bathroom. I didn't get enough time to really look but I saw some very innapropriate texts between her and a co coworker. When I asked why she was texting a CW late into the night she just said "work stuff." Red flag I guess. well I couldn't sleep last night because of it and I decided to get another closer look at her FB account to put my mind at ease. Needless to say I was shocked at what I saw. She'd been flirting and texting for weeks. About a week ago (when she said she was spending a night out with her friends) she went to a hotel room with her co worker and slept with him. Even thanked him the next day blowing those stupid emoticon kisses and telling him what a good time she had.

This was a week ago and she continued the flirty texts throughout the week. It was 4 am and I confronted her immediately (not sure if that was right or wrong but it's done). She immediately started talking about how she was unhappy in our relationship and felt under appreciated (never said anything to me about it until that very moment but I guess that's the nature of the beast).

Now before we got married my wife and I had this discussion. If either of us was unhappy we should bring it up and try to work on it. this scenario literally fits that situation to the T. Why was sneaking around creating lies about going out with friends? When she told me she was having a girls night out I was actually excited for her (She doesn't have alot of friends where we live now). Jokes on me I guess.

Since the confession she broke down and wrote me a letter telling me she can't live without me and she's sorry and it was a mistake as soon as it happened. If it was a mistake as soon as it happened why did she continue on with this nonsense? She says she'll do whatever it takes to make it right again, but how can i believe someone who will go through great lengths to lie while stabbing me in the back? She's been sitting at home all day crying and asking me what she needs to do to make it right, but honestly I don't know if she can.

I told her D is an option that's in my sight picture right now, but I wasn't entirely sure. I've been trying to set an appointment with a Marriage counselor with no luck (I guess answering the phone is a difficult thing to do these days). I can do counseling, but right now I'm having a hard time thinking I can forgive her for this.

I can honestly say that my feelings of depression, and sadness are minimal. Mostly I'm just angry and resentful. and it gets worse by the hour. Why did she just go about her life like everything was fine after the fact until she was caught red handed? Will the anger subside? and how long will i take? I will be starting a new career path in a new place soon and I'm already stressed out about packing all my things and starting fresh. Now this shit.

I don't want to bring it up with anyone we know, and I needed to vent somewhere because talking to her at the moment just feeds my anger about the whole situation. Why can't people just be adults about things? I thought my wife was different but I guess I was the one being childish for thinking that....

healingroad posted 7/7/2014 23:34 PM

So sorry to hear this. Be prepared, your emotions are going to be very volatile for a while. Take care of yourself first and foremost, and think about what's best for you. For now this probably includes sleep, eating right, and doing things that are calming. I'm sure I'm not the only one wishing you the best.

bigskyblues posted 7/8/2014 01:42 AM

WH, welcome to a very helpful place, these people are a great resource.

If you go one page back on the JFO page you will find a thread with a red and white target on the left called "another great thread for newbies to read" or something close to that. I strongly encourage you to read that (I will add a link to it at the bottom of my post).

When you read that the most important point that I learned in my situation was that she is broken, you didn't break her, and you cant fix her! There is a saying on this site "action not words", really watch your ww close. She is saying all the right things, Im sorry etc.etc. but what is she doing to fix this. She IS broken to be a cheater, she needs to figure out why, she needs IC etc. it is a difficult process that they need to work at (hard work).

I am going to give you some advice that I learned the hard way. When I caught my xww she said all the same things, sorry, never happen again, sent emails to her pervs saying she was done, going to work on the marriage etc. Well it was all bullshit. What you will find by reading all of our stories is that the vast majority of the time when they get caught they go underground with the affair. They think they are clever enough to carry on even though you know.

Read the healing library, look closely at the thread on the "180." The 180 will help you detach emotionally from your ww. The detachment is to help you heal. It gives you some distance so you can work on yourself, but also it will give you the space to watch your ww. Look at her objectively, is she not only saying the right things, but doing something about it? If she is just going through the motions and not being totally transparent your chances of success are slim to none.

Wish you the best, and all the strength in the world to get through this!

Keep posting here, ask questions, just vent if you need to. There are some wonderful people here that have a great deal of experience and the willingness to share/help.


OakStreet posted 7/8/2014 05:09 AM


You found the right place for support and advice - often the advice I got here was better than what I got from either my individual counselor (IC) or marriage counselor (MC).

bigskyblues gave you an excellent list of things to go through.

Keep posting here, ask questions, just vent if you need to. There are some wonderful people here that have a great deal of experience and the willingness to share/help.

You don't have to make any immediate decisions about your relationship. Take your time - things (and your emotions) will change daily.

Good luck!

befuddledhubbie posted 7/8/2014 05:56 AM

I just joined on my d-day, 3 days ago. Finding out makes you question all sorts of things about yourself.
I am not far enough along in my own healing to say much encouraging, other than to read the stuff in the healing library. So far so good with what i have found there.

Personally i wish my WS was remorseful. Over the last few days i have gotten one authentic statement of empathy about my pain. But she says she wanted to separate even without the affair.

If that was the case, i really can't understand why she couldn't wait. Why is a question we all ask here.

Even though i want to work on my marriage, it is up to you, i.e BS's everywhere, to determine what your next action will be. It takes time for the dust to settle, and rushing things only makes matters worst.

But hang in there. We are here for you.

Badhurt posted 7/8/2014 06:09 AM

Well first let's start by saying you have the additional problem that her A was with a co worker. That means she either needs to quit that job immediately or you will have a very difficult time knowing or verifying anything she tells you.
If her AP is married or has a steady girlfriend , you MUST notify them right away. Hopefully that will create enough havoc in their life that they will not be interested in continuing this A.
If this OM was in a position at work like her boss you notify HR Department there.
Next, she writes a NC email or letter that YOU read making it clear there is more of this.
Here's what you do not do
(1) let her tears have any impact on anything you decide. She got caught and of course she is sad. Whether that is remorse or regret at getting caught is up in question and throw the letter she wrote you away and don't read it. Right now consider it bull shit.
(2) don't tell her how much you want to R and how much you love her
(3) under no circumstances do you accept her blaming you for any of her action. She is not perfect, neither is your marriage; but she chose to fuck another man. This is ALL on he
(4) don't even consider MC until you get the following
ABSOLUTE NO CONtACT- this affair will have a very good chance of going underground because they see each other at work until she can find another job
TOTAL TRANSPARENCY - she has just lost her right to privacy or secrecy in the marriage. And you BETTER make sure you keep snooping or you will get blindsided again
COMMITMENT to you and your marriage , by her actions not by some pissy crying outburst after getting caught.

She will attempt eventually to blame shift like she has already.
There are no more girls night out,she comes home right from work and you verify it. There are ways to do all this snooping. The techies here can tell you how.

It is good you have not gotten stuck in " denial" and have gone right to "anger". The hardest situation are when BH just is so distraught they start to appear helpless to WW.
You have no kids , your are young. She has changed your relationship and it will be a long time before you feel safe with her. She is a liar and cheater already in your marriage. You have to decide if this is the woman you want.
Keep posting here. You will her good advice

Schadenfreude posted 7/8/2014 06:35 AM

One more thing. You are new in this marriage. It's WAY easier to undo it now before you accumulate,more "baggage" along the way.

Do not cling to forlorn hope. Her words, like her wedding vows, mean nothing now. As others here say, turn off the volume on this tv show and watch her actions. They are the only things that mean anything.

Beware and be very afraid if she in a few months acts like everything is just fine and starts to suggest you should become parents. That's her trump,card if she is fearful her nice life is going to vanish and she'll have to live alone supporting herself.

Sorry for bringing up the negatives, but there has been a string of very disappointed husbands here lately.

nekorb posted 7/8/2014 06:55 AM

Welcome, WellHell.

Now before we got married my wife and I had this discussion. If either of us was unhappy we should bring it up and try to work on it.

Had that same discussion with my WH 25 years ago when we were dating/engaged.

Now it's turned into, "I'm not staying with you just because I took some vows!". Yeah, what are vows for after all, right?

A the others have said, you don't need to make any decisions right now. Watch your WW's behavior. If she isn't truly remorseful, your answer is being given to you on a platter, no thought necessary.

OK now posted 7/8/2014 07:27 AM

Badhurt has a knack of putting things you need to do in a very concise manner. Worth reading over and over again.

You mention that you are starting a new career in a new place. Will your wife be moving with you? If not you may as well file for divorce because she will be screwing the co-worker as soon as you leave. Trust is gone; always going to wonder where she is and who she's doing.

Its good that you are angry and resentful. Your wife has picked up on your strength; she knows you could just walk away and survive quite well, hence her fear of losing the marriage and being alone in a precarious financial position. I doubt she has true remorse. Just got caught and is deep into minimizing her losses. Then she has the nerve to blame you for her adultery, which adds insult to injury.

Don't gamble if you're not prepared to lose. Well she lost and shouldn't whine if she ends up divorced because of her betrayal.

Schadenfreude posted 7/8/2014 07:36 AM

You probably don't know the whole story,,either. Did OM get caught by OW. Has she been otherwise dumped or even cheated on by OM.

Crying and the letter reflect regret that her stay in Happyland didn't turn out like she thought. You were supposed to be there like a stone statute for her if things didn't work out in her new relationship. You failed to play that role, thus the tears.
Things changed with you, you weren't the statute she hoped you were.

She immediately started to blame you--blame shifting. Not a good sign of remorse.

You should assume the A is continuing until you see positive proof that it's not. The only truth you've received is that she doesn't think she can live without you. True -- the single life does get expensive.

FrmrBH80124 posted 7/8/2014 07:41 AM


One other thing to remember, this was NO mistake. It didn't JUST happen! Her actions were deliberate (i.e. going out with friends which was code for I'm going to fuck another guy that you don't know about). My ex wife did the same thing to me only difference is that I knew she was unhappy but we couldn't resolve our differences.

Please also be prepared that you don't have the full story yet. Most waywards minimize their actions to spare their betrayed spouses pain. In addition, they trickle truth or torture truth (TT) you to death. Under NO circumstances should you allow her to rug sweep the affair. You need to decide how much you want/need to know to begin healing.

As others have said, you need to focus on you. Her feelings, wants, desires mean NOTHING at this point. She doesn't get to say if this marriage continues. YOU DO.

Contact an attorney to find out your legal rights. Knowledge is power. At this point, you are in control of the situation so proceed once you have all of the facts.

Finally, under no circumstances should you try and "nice" her way back to the marriage or play the pick me dance. Should you choose to stay in the M, she either fully commits or she gets kicked to the curb.

We are here for you. Please keep posting.

ZedLeppelin posted 7/8/2014 09:00 AM

I will be starting a new career path in a new place soon and I'm already stressed out about packing all my things and starting fresh.
The fact that infidelity happened pretty early in the marriage is a major red flag. If you do not have children together, then divorce and move on.

BAMAC posted 7/8/2014 09:41 AM

There's a lot of good advice here, but I want to echo what Badhurt wrote about them being coworkers. No good can come of them continuing to work together and see each other on a regular basis.

steppingup posted 7/8/2014 11:37 AM

Well Hell - I have been exactly where you are that was 13 years ago. Since then we had kids and she has had other affairs. If I could go back in time, I'm very uncertian I would have forgiven her and tried to reconsile. The fact that she keeps texting and flirting means she "loved it" and wants to be connected with others outside of your marriage, I'm sorry to say it is a character flaw. Such flaws are very hard to correct. If you have all the time in the world to try and change her good luck, otherwise you really need to get a clear head and think this through. You are not too deep in your marriage a few years only? So might be best to cut the losses if you cannot reconenct and make a new path for yourselves.

I am struggling with the fact that my WW loved her affairs and she is still in the fog with the current OM. Sounds like she is too. She is scared and will likely only tell you things she thinks will help you, spare your feelings and make her situation feel better. So it is not likely you are getting all the truth. Most situations like this take years to solve if you have patiences. If you have sex with your wife, use a condom, no sense in bringing children into the picture either at this stage or giving yourself a STD. Good luck sir feel free to message me anytime for input.

(from BigSkyBlues) I am going to give you some advice that I learned the hard way. When I caught my xww she said all the same things, sorry, never happen again, sent emails to her pervs saying she was done, going to work on the marriage etc. Well it was all bullshit. What you will find by reading all of our stories is that the vast majority of the time when they get caught they go underground with the affair. They think they are clever enough to carry on even though you know.

What he said is true almost 100% of the time.

[This message edited by steppingup at 11:39 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

craig2001 posted 7/8/2014 12:02 PM

If it was a mistake as soon as it happened why did she continue on with this nonsense?
Those types of questions are very common and they can never be answered. Just like the question how could she act normal when caught, that is also very common.

It is about the fog of the affair, the something of their own.

Has she written a complete NC letter to this OM yet and have you seen it sent.
Is the OM married?

Do not ever let this get swept under the rug. It has to be discussed.

Has she answered all of your questions with complete honesty?
Has she given you access to all of her electronics?

And is she willing to quit her job today so she is not around the OM any longer?

She has to learn about boundaries and a good book for her to read is Not Just Friends. She needs to learn.

One concern you will have was her ability to lie to you. That will always haunt you. She was able to lie so easily and it will take her a hell of a long time to rebuild any kind of trust with you again.

WellHell posted 7/8/2014 12:08 PM

I've had a full nights sleep (in the guest room) and I'm feeling much less volatile at the moment, so it's a good time to reply. First, thanks for the support, honestly! I'm a natural extrovert and since I don't have anyone to vent to you guys have been a huge help! I've taken your advice so far on the following issues.

She's written the no contact letter (didn't make me feel any better or actually trust that she won't contact the guy...It's 2014, theres all sorts of ways to contact people through the internet these days). But the letter was written and sent.

She's quitting her job today (or so she claims) and telling her boss that she needs to deal with marital issues at home.

I've been implementing the 180 techniques (mental detachment comes rather easy for me as my job requires a certain level of mental detachment). Haven't been doing it long enough to see a true reaction yet.

I'm still not sure the marraige is even worth saving as it's still very young, but I guess some back story wouldn't hurt

I met her while living abroad and we went through all of the visa and green card nonsense to get her over here to live. This is one of the main reasons shes so adamant about rebuilding the marriage. She does not want to go back to her old life with her tail tucked between her legs. but perhaps I'm wrong and she truly is sorry and wants to rebuild. I'm going ot continue living the 180 lifestyle and see how she reacts. And yes, she will be (possibly depending on whether or not I want to continue the marriage I guess) moving with me soon. I'm still simmering, and still angry, but I have a lot of stuff to do to prepare for this big move, so that's helping me keep my mind off things.

I'm not trying to make any immediate decisions, but I wanted to ask, what is a good window to start making real decisions, how long did you guys think it through? How long did your anger and resentment take to subside?

Thanks again for all of your help

Schadenfreude posted 7/8/2014 12:32 PM

This has sort of released my inner Eddie Haskell. Two years married? Here on some sort of visa? Can it be that she's playing Russian Roulette? Not sure of the rules, but I recall there were some that said as an immigrant you had to be married X years to stay in the U.S. (if that's where you are) and if divorce occurred, you'd be deported.

I'd hate to see you caught up in an immigration scheme, even unwittingly.

I'd see an immigration lawyer to make sure you are safe and see if she's in danger.

This is NOT to keep her faithful as virtual imprisonment isn't the way back to marital bliss. But INS or whatever it's now called is not a forgiving agency. You'd rather be in the sights of the IRS than the INS.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 12:34 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

Badhurt posted 7/8/2014 12:37 PM

Once she quits her job, you need to call her boss and tell him she had to quit her job because the marital issues was that he had an employee that was in an affair with your wife. Of course, that is only if you are a nasty SOB like me.

From the little back story, now it is understandable why she is so upset with herself. You were her meal ticket to be here and stay here.

I also agree you may not know the whole story yet. You only caught the last time it happened. might not be the only time. You might want to tell her she has one chance to come totally clean and bluff it out of her. You have the leverage now, although you also have the heartache.

She has cheated on you, lied to you, very early in your relationship. That is certainly not a good sign. If i were you i would file for divorce and send her packing back to wherever she came from.

If this had been a drunken ONS this might have been different, but the fact remains if you had not been somewhat observant to her behavior, she would have been banging this guy regularly. That makes it MUCH worse.

WellHell posted 7/8/2014 12:45 PM

Basically I'm her sponsor until she can get naturalization. If it ends in divorce she pretty much goes home (it is possible to maintain permanent residence after divorce, but it requires lawyers, red tape and a kind forgiving Immigration agent, which i'm convinced doesn't exist).

No I'm convinced it wasn't some sort of immigration scheme, I lived abroad with her in her home country for awhile. If it is a scheme it's worthy of a Mission Impossible movie plot line.

But at any rate, she would go back home if I cut and ran now.

Mom-of-4 posted 7/8/2014 13:00 PM


Sorry you have become a member of SI.

I def recommend you visit the Healing Library.

First, please don't make any decision about your relationship just yet. You don't have to. This is a very traumatic decision with or without children. I will say this, many of us would have Divorced if we didn't have children with our wayward spouse (WS). You must navigate this carefully. I agree with others when they say that an A this early in your marriage is a MAJOR Red Flag!

Maybe moving to your new job and settling in separately will give you time to sort things out. I think it will be INCREDIBLY PAINFUL, but worth the pain as it will bring clarity to whether or not you want to continue your life with or without her.

The Reconciliation process generally takes 2-5 years. Please keep this in mind.

Take care of you. You may be angry and in shock now, but sadness and hurt are sure to come. This is a very difficult, emotional roller coaster type of experience. People here can relate and identity with you.

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