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approaching 1 year post DDay

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MisLeading posted 7/8/2014 00:55 AM

My BH and I are approaching our 1 yr post DDay and it has been a very difficult and turbulent year. I am in IC and I take full responsibility for my actions and am beginning to understand why I have made the choices I have in life. I have caused my BH so much pain and misled him during our M, and now I realise why I did not see him as the wonderful H he is and always was.

My question is, how should I respond to my BH on the anniversary of our DDay? I know it is going to be difficult day but I want to give him comfort if I can, or leave him alone if that is what he wants. I don't want to pretend to ignore or not acknowledge the date but also I don't want to create any unnecessary difficulties for him on this day. I am so appreciative that we are attempting R but it is a balancing act that can be put off balance at any moment, and 1 yr post DDay will be very sensitive. Any insights people would like to share would be much appreciated.

EvolvingSoul posted 7/8/2014 01:23 AM

Probably would be a good idea to ask BH himself. He may not even know what he'll need but in my experience it's good to be proactive about these things. Let him make the final decision how to handle it and then be supportive. Have you guys talked about it at all?

MisLeading posted 7/8/2014 03:02 AM

That seems to be my problem, I didn't want to ask him because mostly I feel like I should know what I am supposed to do in this situation with the hopes I will show my remorse for my actions. And on the other hand I am afraid to bring it up because they may trigger him to become angry or upset. But I created the reasons for his responses. Seems like common sense to ask BH. But all these thoughts go through my head as to why I shouldn't ...

EvolvingSoul posted 7/8/2014 04:03 AM

I understand where your hesitancy is coming from but I still think it's best to face it head on. Believe me, not talking about it doesn't mean it's not already on his mind.

What are you afraid will happen if you forthrightly acknowledge your awareness of the upcoming "antiversary" and ask how you might best support him?

He might get angry. He might be mean to you by reminding you of what a crappy thing you did. He might cry. He might (insert whatever is difficult to witness and feel here).

And if he does, it doesn't change the fact that you tried proactively to figure out what his needs are and a way to help him meet them. Even at the expense of your own emotional discomfort. That is the kind of heavy lifting that I've really had to learn to be comfortable with on this journey.

What has been your manner of bringing up affair related issues over the last year?

[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 4:12 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

Matilda23 posted 7/8/2014 08:59 AM

I feel like I should know what I am supposed to do in this situation with the hopes I will show my remorse for my actions. And on the other hand I am afraid to bring it up because they may trigger him to become angry or upset.
I know how you feel, you want to protect him and not have him go through even more pain and hurt he has been suffering through. However, what I have learned is you are manipulating the situation. You are trying to control the outcome, his feelings and reactions to how he may feel in a few days. You can't control how he feels except control you. Be transparent with how you feel about dday coming up and you two can handle it together. He would appreciate that you are thinking of him by going to him, or I may be projecting and I understand that is how BBF would feel. He may be angry, sad, wants space etc, but you can continue to be there for him.

I hope the best for you two.

SandAway posted 7/8/2014 09:14 AM

I think if you acknowledge that your aware of the date it will help him. Just say 'BH, I know that next week will be tough. Thank you for still being here.' Hug him, hold him. Be there for him.

He will trigger pretty hard and tbh there isn't much you can do. The first is the worst. (The second is pretty tough also..

Don't rugsweep the day, acknowledge it. Face it together.

FightingBack posted 7/8/2014 09:41 AM

I really needed my WH to acknowledge our first dday "antiversary". By no means did I want to "celebrate" it, but I wanted him to be as aware of that date as I was.

He didn't know what to do. He did not mention the date the entire day. I remember posting on here that day, feeling frustrated and saddened that the day was not significant for him. It was the day my world turned upside down! How can he not think about it.

The truth was, he was very much aware of it, but didn't know if he should mention it or not. He thought that bringing up the memory would cause more pain. But of course the memory was there anyway. It always will be.

I needed him to acknowledge it, and feel it WITH me.

At the last minute, on his way home he called and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner. Going out is the only way we can have time alone, as ours is a busy home.

I was fairly angry by that point, but needed to talk, so we went.

We talked about how far we had come in a year. We both realized that that day marked the biggest crisis in our married lives and one which almost destroyed us both. But we also acknowledged that it was a new beginning. The beginning of a new beginning, a rare opportunity for a second chance.

We reflected on the pain, the tears and celebrated the healing and growth.

Dday was monumental. A shroud was lifted from our lives that had concealed years of deceit, lies and loneliness. Everything I had believed to be true crashed and burned. But we have emerged from those ashes, like the rebirth of a phenix.

Sounds dramatic, but it's true, and while it was happening we both knew how new and tender and fragile our marriage was.

We will always remember the day as the beginning of this new period of truth and authenticity. It has more importance for me than our wedding anniversary, which doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

On dday I need my H to acknowledge the death of our marriage, mourn it with me, and then celebrate our new beginning. I need him to apologize again, to be grateful that I didn't walk away, to appreciate all the work that has been done and to assure me that he will never forget how fortunate we are that we dodged a bullet.

MisLeading posted 7/8/2014 10:12 AM

Matilda23 you're right. Me withholding my thoughts and concerns are manipulating the situation. I realise I fear bringing things up so I don't have to face what his responses will be. Firstly his responses bring up my own insecurities on the immense guilt I have been feeling, then I have to also face the pain I have inflicted on him. But it is not about me anymore; I did that with the A. It is now about us, and for me to face the consequences of my actions and being open and supportive for my BH whatever his response will be.

EvolvingSoul this brings me to your question of how I brought up affair related issues over the last year. Honestly, I didnt. It was TT for 5 months and I left it to him to bring up the issues. The TT was more damaging to our R than the A. Only after the whole truth came out did I begin to realise what I had done to him and our M and our healing really began. Now what I realise from this discussion is I still try to avoid uncomfortable situations because of my own selfish discomforts.

Discussing the "antiversary" with him is an opportunity for me to be there for him and acknowledge his feelings while confronting my own discomforts so we can get through this difficult time together. R is definitely a long road filled with many realisations about your own self and personality. I appreciate the help and feedback from everyone.

[This message edited by MisLeading at 10:16 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

MisLeading posted 7/8/2014 10:28 AM

FightingBack Thanks for your perspective. I too hope that DDay will pass and represent a new beginning for our marriage.

FightingBack posted 7/8/2014 10:40 AM


Dday has already passed.

Good luck and all the best in your new future together!

MisLeading posted 7/8/2014 10:42 AM

sorry, I meant DDay anniversary Thanks!

TheIrishGirl posted 7/8/2014 13:24 PM

I agree with the others- bring it up ahead of time, say you're thinking about it and have a heavy heart. That you don't know what he would want from you as the day approaches and passes. If he doesnt know what to ask for offer the whole spectrum- take the day off to be together (if you can), give him space, plan an evening out for the two of you, an evening home as a family, and evening home alone & send the kid off to a friend's, invite a friend over to keep him distracted just to get through the day.

My 1 year mark is a long way out, but our anniversary is coming up and I am hoping he will be sensitive to the fact that it is forever changed for me. I imagine a similar sensitivity would be appropriate for an antiversary too.

EvolvingSoul posted 7/8/2014 18:11 PM

Discussing the "antiversary" with him is an opportunity for me to be there for him and acknowledge his feelings while confronting my own discomforts so we can get through this difficult time together.
Bing! If you haven't discovered it already, the book "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg might be a good one for you to explore. It is a very practical treatment of communication, needs, and how we get them met and can help other people to do the same. It was a game changer for me. In the literal sense. It helped communication stop being a game and start being a tool for improving my life and the lives of the people around me.

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