I feel like I don't even know this guy. We have been together for 34 years and I thought I knew him. I find out that for almost 2 years he has been leading this other life that I knew nothing about. I had some suspicions because of strange numbers on the phone bill but I tried to talk myself out of it. We spend a lot of time apart due to my work, and he is not employed so he has a lot of free time. Apparently the old saying about idle hands and the devil is true.
I don't know what to do. Clearly, not sleeping for the past 4 days has not helped my judgement either. He thinks he just wants to slink off with his tail between his legs, "for my own good" because he does not deserve me. I would like him to at least try counselling before I make a decision.
The complication is, if he leaves he will be living on the street. He is not working and everything else is in my name (it's complicated.) He has no money and no friends or relatives to stay with. He also has some mental health issues. He probably would not take money if offered, he says he wants nothing. Frankly, I think if he leaves he will soon end up in jail or dead.
For all of you who have been on here a while, I am sure this is nothing new. This is my first time with this and I am devastated. I just want my husband back the way he used to be. I guess you can't unring that bell.
How are you eating and drinking? Please try your best to stay hydrated even if it with smoothies or ensure. You also need to be tested for STD's.
I don't know what to do. That's ok. Your only responsibility right now is to take care of you. You DO NOT need to make any decisions regarding your marriage. Please focus on your health both physical and mental.
He is making suicidal threats? You cannot control him. Regardless of your decision on the relationship, does not determine what he CHOOSES to do with his life. You can encourage him to go to counseling. You can inform his doctor. You can tell him that you will call the police since he is a danger to himself.
If he ends up on the street due to his choices and consequences, again, that is on him. He is a grown man. He will figure something out.
He did not consider your well being when he chose to betray you. Therefore, YOU need to take care of YOU.
I would encourage you to read from "The Healing Library" in the upper left hand corner of SI. Read and post often. Do you have IRL support? Individual therapy?
I just want my husband back the way he used to be. I know, sweetie. I know. But do you really want to be in a relationship like this "...but he has always threatened to leave me at the drop of a hat so I don't know if he really means it." Take some time to get physically rebalanced (sleep, hydration, eating) before you make any decisions. Sending you strength and sleep.
Sorry you have joined us here, but you'll find great support.
dmari gave you good advice. Take your time making any final decisions, but do the reading and make your demands/boundaries.
Good luck to you!
You are concerned for his well being and that is noble, but at what cost should you risk additional damage and pain and God knows what else to keep him afloat and to engage in "Wishful thinking", which is illogical.
I know you are having a hard time thinking, but if your country has mental health care, perhaps you can have him committed for evaluation and perhaps govt. assisted living.
You are not safe with him around, please think clearly on this.
An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones (Proverbs 12:4)
OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.
Hopeful but cautious