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Notmycircus posted 7/8/2014 01:52 AM

I accidentally discovered a craigslist posting my husband made 6 months ago looking for a "discrete LTR." I was looking to post an ad to sell something, and his ad was in our account. I called him and he confessed, but only said that it was no mistake. I was out of town and I did not see him to discuss things until several days later. Lots of TT. He then confessed that he was on at least 3 dating sites online and had had two PA with people he met on okcupid. He claims both of the women broke it off, one after a year and the other one after about a month. He also had chatted with many more women. Of course, by this time it was several days after he got caught,and he had deleted his secret email account and wiped his computer history. He says he has not been physical with anyone for over 6 months. I did find his profile pictures in his computer and a poem he wrote to one woman. He says he never sent the poem. He also says the physical relationships were long term, but just for casual sex. Of course he never got tested for STDs. He was creating profile pictures as recently as 4 or 5 months ago. I asked him if he would still be doing this if he had not got caught, and he did not have a good answer. He claims the dating site accounts are closed now because the email account is gone. Obviously, he scrambled to remove the evidence when he was confronted.I got there too late. He seems to have remorse but I don't know if it is just that he is sorry he got caught or he is really sorry. Of course he has the usual excuses, not enough sex blah blah. However, he did say he really has no excuse for his actions and he is very sorry he hurt me. Unfortunately, he is also making vague suicidal "threats" like he would just end it all except it would hurt me more. He also says he will just leave so he doesn't hurt me more, but he has always threatened to leave me at the drop of a hat so I don't know if he really means it.

I feel like I don't even know this guy. We have been together for 34 years and I thought I knew him. I find out that for almost 2 years he has been leading this other life that I knew nothing about. I had some suspicions because of strange numbers on the phone bill but I tried to talk myself out of it. We spend a lot of time apart due to my work, and he is not employed so he has a lot of free time. Apparently the old saying about idle hands and the devil is true.

I don't know what to do. Clearly, not sleeping for the past 4 days has not helped my judgement either. He thinks he just wants to slink off with his tail between his legs, "for my own good" because he does not deserve me. I would like him to at least try counselling before I make a decision.
The complication is, if he leaves he will be living on the street. He is not working and everything else is in my name (it's complicated.) He has no money and no friends or relatives to stay with. He also has some mental health issues. He probably would not take money if offered, he says he wants nothing. Frankly, I think if he leaves he will soon end up in jail or dead.

For all of you who have been on here a while, I am sure this is nothing new. This is my first time with this and I am devastated. I just want my husband back the way he used to be. I guess you can't unring that bell.

dmari posted 7/8/2014 02:40 AM

(((((Notmycircus))))) I am so sorry you are here but know that you have come to the right place. First of all, you are right ~ you need to sleep. Have you tried OTC sleep aids? Are you open to seeing your doctor and sharing what you are going through? For myself and many of us, I relied on xanax the first couple of weeks because I needed to sleep in order to function. So do you.

How are you eating and drinking? Please try your best to stay hydrated even if it with smoothies or ensure. You also need to be tested for STD's.

I don't know what to do. That's ok. Your only responsibility right now is to take care of you. You DO NOT need to make any decisions regarding your marriage. Please focus on your health both physical and mental.

He is making suicidal threats? You cannot control him. Regardless of your decision on the relationship, does not determine what he CHOOSES to do with his life. You can encourage him to go to counseling. You can inform his doctor. You can tell him that you will call the police since he is a danger to himself.

If he ends up on the street due to his choices and consequences, again, that is on him. He is a grown man. He will figure something out.

He did not consider your well being when he chose to betray you. Therefore, YOU need to take care of YOU.

I would encourage you to read from "The Healing Library" in the upper left hand corner of SI. Read and post often. Do you have IRL support? Individual therapy?

I just want my husband back the way he used to be. I know, sweetie. I know. But do you really want to be in a relationship like this "...but he has always threatened to leave me at the drop of a hat so I don't know if he really means it." Take some time to get physically rebalanced (sleep, hydration, eating) before you make any decisions. Sending you strength and sleep.

OakStreet posted 7/8/2014 04:57 AM


Sorry you have joined us here, but you'll find great support.

dmari gave you good advice. Take your time making any final decisions, but do the reading and make your demands/boundaries.

Good luck to you!

ckss4 posted 7/10/2014 09:47 AM

Sorry you are here...but keep posting, this is a great place for support.

steppingup posted 7/10/2014 10:29 AM

Your husband is dangerous to you and your family, keeping him around unchanged is like keeping a criminal in your home and expecting no harm to come to you.

You are concerned for his well being and that is noble, but at what cost should you risk additional damage and pain and God knows what else to keep him afloat and to engage in "Wishful thinking", which is illogical.

I know you are having a hard time thinking, but if your country has mental health care, perhaps you can have him committed for evaluation and perhaps govt. assisted living.

You are not safe with him around, please think clearly on this.

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/10/2014 10:54 AM

There are no easy answers and absolutely no one knows your marriage like you do. The problem we all seem to have is trusting out feelings when our emotions are all over the place and we doubt ourselves. It really sux to be here. I'm sorry you are. Do you have a spare room where he can stay? Can he work or has he chosen not to? Maybe a part time job? I sat down and wrote out ten rules my husband needed to follow if I was to even consider trying to work through this. My story is pretty complicated, but we are all in the betrayed boat with flattened self esteem.
When I finally got the courage to post a few of the responses really hurt until I could process where they were coming from and what they were really saying. These are great people who are fighting a lot of the same demons. You will be supported here.

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