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Frustrated crying bad night

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Blanket posted 7/8/2014 02:18 AM

So we had the long talk on Sunday night where I finally had full disclosure. But we had both been drinking and this seems to be the time he is emotionally available to me! Yesterday I had the most horrific day. Mind movies, triggers, just could not stop crying. He was exhausted and had completely shut down. I spent the entire day worrying about what he was thinking after our talk but he just said he hadn't thought about it and thought everything was fine. Everything is always FINE,! I tried to explain that I need to know how he's feeling and understand the process I am going through. He said that talking has clearly had a negative effect rather than helping so maybe it's not the way forward and then proceeded to try to have sex with me. He has now gone to work and I'm left in tears feeling like he just doesn't get it. Every time I think we've turned a corner I take ten steps back. Why doesn't he understand . I truly thought he did when we talked on Sunday but he's shut down again. I'm so frustrated and upset.

Blanket posted 7/8/2014 02:29 AM

I really need some help today I was being so strong and I'm in bits again today feeling desperate and alone. Why won't he talk to me.

sunvalley posted 7/8/2014 02:46 AM

I'm so sorry. It's not fair, and I can understand why you'd want him to be willing to do what you need and be there for you....you deserve answers, attention and remorse. Are you in IC? It sounds like he is guarded and perhaps the drinking allowed him to put that guard down. As you said, not emotionally available. I know my H is not in the least and it's been a long battle of me talking and him doing nothing, not even responding....it makes my blood boil because all I want is acknowledgement. He's an introvert and words don't come easily to him, he is hugely remorseful but struggles to say what he is feeling...tells me it's a 'guy thing' to not be vulnerable and struggles to talk about his emotions... so I've had to really push to get him to respond. Very frustrating and emotionally draining! Is it possible he is regretting something he told you during the full disclosure? You will find with time that it is one step forward, two steps back at times. As long as he is remorseful and patient with you, things will get easier but if he is cold and distant still, then he needs more time (and likely IC) to truly understand the impact of his actions and the length of time this will take you to heal. My H wasn't aware of what I needed for a long time, he still isn't sometimes. I had to vocalize to him what I needed more and remind him less of what he had done (I tend to focus on the reminding rather than get anywhere) and that helped too. I hope you are able to get him to open up, but in the meantime look after YOU first and foremost. That's the biggest lesson in all of this, that we have to take care of ourselves first and foremost.

Blanket posted 7/8/2014 07:12 AM

I am in IC and we are in mc I just tried to talk to him again and he said we've been over this a thousand times. He just doesn't want to talk.
I suspect he is regretting telling me a few things and I explained I needed to process them but now I feel he won't tell me the truth as it has had an adverse effect on things.
This is just so frustrating.
I feel like I have been so patient and done the thinking for both of us. He's not giving anything back. He just keeps saying how he wants things to be nice. Doesn't he think I do too. I was having a nice life until he crapped all over it!

sisoon posted 7/8/2014 08:55 AM

Have you considered the 180? See http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11.

I would take his unwillingness to talk as an indication he doesn't own what he's done. Until he does that, he's simply not a candidate for R, which means you have to choose between rugsweeping and D (or waiting and hoping, which sometimes works).

Instead of asking what he feel, you might start by asking him, 'Are you mad, sad, glad, or scared?' Then follow up with 'How come?' But I think the 180 may be a better bet for you.

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