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not believing the words when WS is trying

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misslocket posted 7/8/2014 07:00 AM

Does anyone else find it hard to take anything the WS says at face value?
Even when he tries or is affectionate or says he loves me I find it impossible to believe.
I hate that I have become this person with him when for 12.5 years everything was just easy, maybe too easy.
I cant even tell him I love him, I say it in return but If I say it to him im scared I will be forcing him to say it back to me. Does anyone else have that problem?
Why does this stuff make you so very insecure, I hate it, I cant be myself like we used to be any more.
I cant be daft or act like an idiot in front of him like we used to, im too shy now.
I just see him as this unrecognisable person now and when he shows any signs of being better for us I cant take it at that.
Feel devastated at what we have become, hate living in this fear of the unknown even though he tells me hes committed.
I hate that if I ask him something he doesn't give me the answer I want to hear and then I pull a part the answer he has given me and analyse it till I am blue in the face.
I miss taking simple things like I love you and I want to be with you at face value. :(

Blanket posted 7/8/2014 07:07 AM

I feel exactly the same in all counts and I hate it x

littlemiss1 posted 7/8/2014 07:18 AM

We had this conversation last night.
Hubby said I love you and I'm so sorry please believe me.

I got so cross.I thought nothing you will ever say again I will believe.
He thinks now he's telling the truth I should see it.
See that he's being truthful.
Der it doesn't work like that.

I also ask a question don't Like the answer and pick it apart.
Hubby finds it frustrating as he's telling the truth ie he didnt love her, but I'm not sure so I question and pick it apart.which he finds hard. He finds things hard to talk and explain it properly. he gets scared about saying the wrong thing.
Ie if something comes out I don't mean ill say sorry didnt mean that.
Hubby does it and I cannot accept he didn't mean it,so it gets difficult.
I get angry he gets upset because it cane out wrong or wasn't what I wanted to hear so I don't believe it.

We made a list of what we need/want from each other.
Hubbys was just for me to listen,and not question things because I want a different story.
Instead I say please can you explain it again because I don't understand.
Xx

misslocket posted 7/8/2014 07:51 AM

Makes me feel slightly better other people do this but it doesn't help you feel better when you do it.
I pick apart everything he says and its like his mind becomes absolutely frazzled by it and I drain him, I literally drain the life out of him and then I'm sorry for making him feel that way when I shouldn't be sorry for anything.
I ask something and expect what my head wants him to say in return, I suppose this is what happens when you feel so utterly broken, nothing is ever the right answer and if it was the answer you wanted you wouldn't believe it anyway.

bionicgal posted 7/8/2014 07:58 AM

We go through this, too. It is not that I think my H is lying, per se, but I feel like I need to hear things on an endless loop. And, it drives him crazy as well when I pick out something and analyze it.

It think it is just the way our brains process the trauma. It will get better. . .

sisoon posted 7/8/2014 08:43 AM

Gently, not believing your WS at this point (even a year out) is healthy. I'd be concerned if you believed him.

You've just come through a period in which your WSes have lied successfully to hurt you. It should take a long period of being truthful for any healthy person to start believing a person who has just deceived us.

I understand your WSes desperately want to be believed - its just not in the cards, because of their own eff-ups. Tell 'em that.
*********************************************

BTW, 'ILY' is difficult for a lot of us to say. I used to say it every day; now, the last time I said it was probably 3 months ago.

IMO, honesty is the single most important factor in R. If you don't feel it, don't say it. If your WS objects, tough - her betrayal stopped you from saying the word. Actions speak louder than words, anyway.

littlemiss1 posted 7/9/2014 05:30 AM

Miss locket I completely do the same.

I know my wh is sorry.
I ask questions he replies,and bam if I don't get what I think should be the answer I pick and push until he too is a frazzled mess .

Does your wh have trouble expressing feelings? Talking?
Its just I understand ur post completely.
My wh wants and tries to answer but I interrogate so much I give myself a headache.
I never feel better,I don't like doing it but find it hats to stop.
X

NaiveAgain posted 7/9/2014 05:46 AM

We pick apart the answers because it is how we try to make sense of it all. Also, we ask the same questions over and over and pick them apart because we are also looking for inconsistencies. It is normal and natural after being lied to.

When your WS gets upset because you are asking the same questions over and over or picking the answers apart, let them know that it is a good thing, because it means you are not leaving them, you are staying and trying to work through this. It is easier to leave (I've done both. Leaving was definitely easier.)

If you are willing to put in the hard work of trying to stay and work through this, the least they can do is calmly answer your questions, as many times as you need to ask them. They would not be going through this if they had been honest and faithful in the first place. Dealing with the neverending questions is a consequence of dishonesty. You aren't doing it to torture them, you are doing it to learn to trust again.

It is a slow and tedious process. It takes commitment. From both parties.

msnhomealone posted 7/9/2014 10:19 AM

I am (we are) right here with you. Each day is like this, to some extent. I mutter the "ILY" back in response because I do believe that there's something to the idea of saying the words and eventually being open to feeling them again. Right now, when I mutter the words, I'm typically only feeling less than 50% about them. If I want to get back to a place, someday, where I can say them with real feeling and the trust that goes along with those words, then I think I need to be practicing now.

But each time is a choice and each time still gives me pause. I hope it is not always like that.

That's been my experience, so far.

StrongBeard posted 7/9/2014 11:33 AM

My second DDay was this past Monday, so I am very much in your boat. Taking what WW says at face value is extremely hard, especially when she is emotional, too.

I have been thinking a lot about trust recently, and I think it comes down to the simple fact that there is a baseline of trust that we, as human beings, extend to other decent human beings when we meet. This level can fluctuate based on how we feel about the new person, but it's still there. When we are betrayed, the trust level dips below that initial line. When we are betrayed in such a fashion as an A, the trust level bottoms out.

Now, there is absolutely no trust and a long road ahead just to get back to "decent human baseline trust". And that is especially hard when the person in question is probably the person we used to trust more than anyone else.

There is a long road ahead to regaining trust and eventual R. But as long as you both understand the harm that has been done and are committed to repairing it, it is not a fool's errand.

jupiter13 posted 7/9/2014 18:44 PM

I can't imagine believing another word that comes out of his mouth without having to think about it first. Face Value? That was before, it is now the after and this is one of the consequences of lying being deceptive. It was his choice so if he doesn't like it too bad.

Pudding posted 7/10/2014 06:43 AM

I so relate to this, as he said all these same word when in false R. I think that actions need to back up the words, so we have evidence. That's not always easy.

If he says he's missing me when away on business, I need pictures of where he is and regular telephone calls in the middle of the night, so I know she is not there.

I also find that I can't handle surprises now, as it feels that every surprise I have had in my life has been a horrible surprise. He wants to give me surprises and treats, but I get panicky and scared, even when he wants to take me to a shop to gets anew dress for me that he has seen and though I would look good in. I now need to have everything planned, so that I stay in control, as my control was taken from me. Surprise are Lao close to lies, even the nice ones.

blakesteele posted 7/10/2014 08:40 AM

(((Misslocket)))

What I wouldn't give to have been as healthy as you are as early as you are into this trial of trials.

As I read your posts I see you doing so many healthy things....your words in this post further that feeling within me.

Fact is.....my wife, your husband used words and combined them with our trust to decieve and betray us. Their use of words concealed their actions. My wife sat in anxiety therapy with me while conducting her affair....words of support where offered, but actions crushed their value once I discovered her affair...and by doing so was able to piece together the root of my anxiety. Add to that their choices to lie and trickle truth AFTER discovery and the "crazy making" that did to us....and its little wonder why their words are so....empty.

I am struggling 2 years out....just recently was made more aware that it was actually my continued avoidance of pain that is contributing to my pain.

And this is why I am hopeful for you. You are facing so much pain so early into your journey. I know it sucks....but it is the only way through this. Your post.....man, do I wish I would have been where you were at starting this trial.

I look at my first year of posting and....well, just foolishness and ignorance. My wife played to my weakness's to continue to feed her selfish desires.....and I chose to allow it. I did because I chose NOT to face the pain you are courageously facing at 6 months that which I didn't really start to face until about 2 months ago. A 3rd DD 4 weeks ago has motivated me to....choose differently. Choose more like what you are able to do.

I have added you to my SI specific prayer list. May your journey be more fruitful early on than mine was.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:44 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]

misslocket posted 7/10/2014 08:57 AM

Thank you for your kind words, Im only 3 months out and I dont feel like im coping amazingly, im just doing the best I can every day in small steps, that is all I can do.

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