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User Topic: not believing the words when WS is trying
♀ 43865
Member # 43865
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else find it hard to take anything the WS says at face value?
Even when he tries or is affectionate or says he loves me I find it impossible to believe.
I hate that I have become this person with him when for 12.5 years everything was just easy, maybe too easy.
I cant even tell him I love him, I say it in return but If I say it to him im scared I will be forcing him to say it back to me. Does anyone else have that problem?
Why does this stuff make you so very insecure, I hate it, I cant be myself like we used to be any more.
I cant be daft or act like an idiot in front of him like we used to, im too shy now.
I just see him as this unrecognisable person now and when he shows any signs of being better for us I cant take it at that.
Feel devastated at what we have become, hate living in this fear of the unknown even though he tells me hes committed.
I hate that if I ask him something he doesn't give me the answer I want to hear and then I pull a part the answer he has given me and analyse it till I am blue in the face.
I miss taking simple things like I love you and I want to be with you at face value. :(

'All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same.' Marilyn Monroe

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
♀ 43881
Member # 43881
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel exactly the same in all counts and I hate it x

D day 20th may 2014
Me -BS (33)
HIM- WS (35)
OW- 18 yr old COW
Together 7 years, married 1

I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger

Don't kick me when I'm down because when I get back up you are f****d!

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Uk
♀ 43465
Member # 43465
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had this conversation last night.
Hubby said I love you and I'm so sorry please believe me.

I got so cross.I thought nothing you will ever say again I will believe.
He thinks now he's telling the truth I should see it.
See that he's being truthful.
Der it doesn't work like that.

I also ask a question don't Like the answer and pick it apart.
Hubby finds it frustrating as he's telling the truth ie he didnt love her, but I'm not sure so I question and pick it apart.which he finds hard. He finds things hard to talk and explain it properly. he gets scared about saying the wrong thing.
Ie if something comes out I don't mean ill say sorry didnt mean that.
Hubby does it and I cannot accept he didn't mean it,so it gets difficult.
I get angry he gets upset because it cane out wrong or wasn't what I wanted to hear so I don't believe it.

We made a list of what we need/want from each other.
Hubbys was just for me to listen,and not question things because I want a different story.
Instead I say please can you explain it again because I don't understand.

Posts: 79 | Registered: May 2014
♀ 43865
Member # 43865
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Makes me feel slightly better other people do this but it doesn't help you feel better when you do it.
I pick apart everything he says and its like his mind becomes absolutely frazzled by it and I drain him, I literally drain the life out of him and then I'm sorry for making him feel that way when I shouldn't be sorry for anything.
I ask something and expect what my head wants him to say in return, I suppose this is what happens when you feel so utterly broken, nothing is ever the right answer and if it was the answer you wanted you wouldn't believe it anyway.

'All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same.' Marilyn Monroe

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We go through this, too. It is not that I think my H is lying, per se, but I feel like I need to hear things on an endless loop. And, it drives him crazy as well when I pick out something and analyze it.

It think it is just the way our brains process the trauma. It will get better. . .

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3521 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, not believing your WS at this point (even a year out) is healthy. I'd be concerned if you believed him.

You've just come through a period in which your WSes have lied successfully to hurt you. It should take a long period of being truthful for any healthy person to start believing a person who has just deceived us.

I understand your WSes desperately want to be believed - its just not in the cards, because of their own eff-ups. Tell 'em that.

BTW, 'ILY' is difficult for a lot of us to say. I used to say it every day; now, the last time I said it was probably 3 months ago.

IMO, honesty is the single most important factor in R. If you don't feel it, don't say it. If your WS objects, tough - her betrayal stopped you from saying the word. Actions speak louder than words, anyway.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17112 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 43465
Member # 43465
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miss locket I completely do the same.

I know my wh is sorry.
I ask questions he replies,and bam if I don't get what I think should be the answer I pick and push until he too is a frazzled mess .

Does your wh have trouble expressing feelings? Talking?
Its just I understand ur post completely.
My wh wants and tries to answer but I interrogate so much I give myself a headache.
I never feel better,I don't like doing it but find it hats to stop.

Posts: 79 | Registered: May 2014
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We pick apart the answers because it is how we try to make sense of it all. Also, we ask the same questions over and over and pick them apart because we are also looking for inconsistencies. It is normal and natural after being lied to.

When your WS gets upset because you are asking the same questions over and over or picking the answers apart, let them know that it is a good thing, because it means you are not leaving them, you are staying and trying to work through this. It is easier to leave (I've done both. Leaving was definitely easier.)

If you are willing to put in the hard work of trying to stay and work through this, the least they can do is calmly answer your questions, as many times as you need to ask them. They would not be going through this if they had been honest and faithful in the first place. Dealing with the neverending questions is a consequence of dishonesty. You aren't doing it to torture them, you are doing it to learn to trust again.

It is a slow and tedious process. It takes commitment. From both parties.

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 16236 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
♀ 43968
Member # 43968
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am (we are) right here with you. Each day is like this, to some extent. I mutter the "ILY" back in response because I do believe that there's something to the idea of saying the words and eventually being open to feeling them again. Right now, when I mutter the words, I'm typically only feeling less than 50% about them. If I want to get back to a place, someday, where I can say them with real feeling and the trust that goes along with those words, then I think I need to be practicing now.

But each time is a choice and each time still gives me pause. I hope it is not always like that.

That's been my experience, so far.

Him: 38, EA for 6 months, PA for 6 months w/co-worker (42)

Me: 38, professional, mom of 2 spectacular kids

Dday: June 7th, 2014 (the night before my birthday, brought on due to a threat from her husband to tell me all)

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest
♂ 44027
Member # 44027
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My second DDay was this past Monday, so I am very much in your boat. Taking what WW says at face value is extremely hard, especially when she is emotional, too.

I have been thinking a lot about trust recently, and I think it comes down to the simple fact that there is a baseline of trust that we, as human beings, extend to other decent human beings when we meet. This level can fluctuate based on how we feel about the new person, but it's still there. When we are betrayed, the trust level dips below that initial line. When we are betrayed in such a fashion as an A, the trust level bottoms out.

Now, there is absolutely no trust and a long road ahead just to get back to "decent human baseline trust". And that is especially hard when the person in question is probably the person we used to trust more than anyone else.

There is a long road ahead to regaining trust and eventual R. But as long as you both understand the harm that has been done and are committed to repairing it, it is not a fool's errand.

March 2010: WW ONS

February-ish 2014: Beginning of EA
March-ish 2014: EA morphed into PA
April 16, 2014: DDay
July 7, 2014: 2nd DDay of continued EA (no PA)
Currently: on the roller coaster, headed for R

Posts: 31 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Front Range
♀ 40999
Member # 40999
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't imagine believing another word that comes out of his mouth without having to think about it first. Face Value? That was before, it is now the after and this is one of the consequences of lying being deceptive. It was his choice so if he doesn't like it too bad.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Modesto
♀ 37168
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I so relate to this, as he said all these same word when in false R. I think that actions need to back up the words, so we have evidence. That's not always easy.

If he says he's missing me when away on business, I need pictures of where he is and regular telephone calls in the middle of the night, so I know she is not there.

I also find that I can't handle surprises now, as it feels that every surprise I have had in my life has been a horrible surprise. He wants to give me surprises and treats, but I get panicky and scared, even when he wants to take me to a shop to gets anew dress for me that he has seen and though I would look good in. I now need to have everything planned, so that I stay in control, as my control was taken from me. Surprise are Lao close to lies, even the nice ones.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


What I wouldn't give to have been as healthy as you are as early as you are into this trial of trials.

As I read your posts I see you doing so many healthy things....your words in this post further that feeling within me.

Fact wife, your husband used words and combined them with our trust to decieve and betray us. Their use of words concealed their actions. My wife sat in anxiety therapy with me while conducting her affair....words of support where offered, but actions crushed their value once I discovered her affair...and by doing so was able to piece together the root of my anxiety. Add to that their choices to lie and trickle truth AFTER discovery and the "crazy making" that did to us....and its little wonder why their words are so....empty.

I am struggling 2 years out....just recently was made more aware that it was actually my continued avoidance of pain that is contributing to my pain.

And this is why I am hopeful for you. You are facing so much pain so early into your journey. I know it sucks....but it is the only way through this. Your, do I wish I would have been where you were at starting this trial.

I look at my first year of posting and....well, just foolishness and ignorance. My wife played to my weakness's to continue to feed her selfish desires.....and I chose to allow it. I did because I chose NOT to face the pain you are courageously facing at 6 months that which I didn't really start to face until about 2 months ago. A 3rd DD 4 weeks ago has motivated me to....choose differently. Choose more like what you are able to do.

I have added you to my SI specific prayer list. May your journey be more fruitful early on than mine was.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:44 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 5825 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
♀ 43865
Member # 43865
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your kind words, Im only 3 months out and I dont feel like im coping amazingly, im just doing the best I can every day in small steps, that is all I can do.

'All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same.' Marilyn Monroe

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 14

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