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I still insist he go on phone and he's angry

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Jomarion posted 7/8/2014 08:53 AM

He phoned at 10 am and left a message saying he loved me. You could hear the crying in his voice.

He phoned at 1:20, and I picked up. He pretended nothing has happened about my asking him to go,and asked if I would leave the door open for him in two days when he comes back late after picking up his daughter. I said don't you remember? You do not want to make me feel safe and you will not stop drinking, so you go.I want your stuff off my property by tomorrow,and I hang up. (this is my attempt at 180.)

He leaves message on my phone saying I am kicking him 'homeless' on the road after I had wanted him to move in here. Now he has no place to go. He indirectly says my house is a dump.

I leave message on his phone saying he is acting like the poor me guy, and that he is not interested in my safety and trust coming back is proven by his only being concerned about his 'problem' not having a place to sleep when I tell him to go. I said when he cheated he gave me no warning. So it is out. I then phone the police to find out if I can legally do this, I can, and they will also be here on day he gets his stuff if I tell them.

I tell him to tell me when his stuff is going, though I do not tell him I have phoned police to be here. I tell him I want it off my property by end of week or I will get it off myself.I again say he is not interested in my safety and trust coming back, he says I control him, now I will not 'control' him anymore, but he is to stay off my property.

This is my attempt at 180. I suspect I am still doing too much, giving him too much information. Is it better I just shut up and go about my business getting his stuff out?

Also, he will absolutely try to make me look like a horrible person once he goes. I am scared of this. They know how to charm and play the victim very well. His two fucktard spawn kids will too, the same way they put all the blame of their brother's suicide on his girlfriend (IE: forget the 4 counts of assault, forget the probable prison sentence the brother was facing, forget the debt he was in, his girlfriend 'pushed' him to kill himself over 'love', and now the 2 daughters and brother's friend want to kill her.)

I am trying my best to be strong.I am trying to care for myself. I have put him first for so long, but I see when I ask him to consider my feelings first for a change, he gets angry. This is helping me to detach.

tushnurse posted 7/8/2014 09:14 AM

Yes you are engaging WAAAAAaY too much for 180.
Don't give him a choice, just say I want your shit out of the house by Wed, and I need to know the date and time you are coming. (Don't warn him about police support).
Anything else he asks or says you ignore, and if you feel the need to counter do it like a broken record. I expect you to have your belongings out of my residence by Wed evening. When will you be here?
Do NOT acknowledge his nonsense.
Do NOT worry about what he tells everyone else. If people choose to believe him, then they probably aren't smart enough to be your friends in the first place. Most people with any common sense will see right through that nonsense though.

Badhurt posted 7/8/2014 09:19 AM


Listen to tushnurse. This has been going on for way too long and you have been a wreck. You are too young to live like this, emotionally and physically a wreck.

Every time you give in you get hurt more. Help yourself to a better and happier life.

You need to do it and only you can do it. All we can do is support you with words.

Jomarion posted 7/8/2014 09:23 AM

Thanks, Tushnurse. I will try to shut up! Thanks for saying all his talk/anger is nonsense. It helps me not be so frightened of him. He will try to engage me, get me to fight verbally, or hurt me verbally. This is completely new behaviour for me, to ignore.

Jomarion posted 7/8/2014 09:25 AM

Thanks Badhurt. I will keep what you say in my head when I see him. He may swing back to being nice again. It is typical of him. I guess I have encouraged it too by giving in to it.

Jomarion posted 7/8/2014 09:34 AM

Another common tactic he uses is to do nothing.(he has been 'nice' to me, saying he is 'thinking about my needing him to make me feel safe) It is likely he will not have anything set up on Wed., leave it to me to physically remove his things,and then where do they go?. The police said that is a trickier matter legally, if I move his stuff myself. It is also hard to do, he has a freezer, a fridge, washing machine sitting on the drive, things I cannot move myself. Also my drive is a long one, he has to really get into the property, off the road to get his stuff, and he can have his tantrums here and no one would see but me.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/8/2014 09:47 AM

Ugh. Booting him and his crap out sounds like the best decision you could possibly make.

The only reason he'll pretend to be a good guy is when he realizes he - and his freezer - have no place to go. Then he'll turn on the fake charm.

Don't EVEN fall for that ridiculous tactic. Trust me, if he had somewhere else to go, he wouldn't even be faking it at all - he'd be making even LESS effort to be civil to you then he is now.

You're a smart lady. Just about anyone would be an improvement over this jerk.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 9:48 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

Jomarion posted 7/8/2014 13:20 PM

I am watching him now on my CCTV cameras getting his stuff which I left outside. I am in the house weeping as I watch him on the cameras, trying not to go out there to stop him. I cannot believe he is Ok with going. The first thing he took was his food. Then he made a phone call (probably for free accommodation.) He phoned me to let him in but I said no.

He even brought plastic bags to cover his stuff with in case it gets wet from rain! His stuff is more important to him from getting damaged than me!

He has driven away with the first of his stuff. In the car I helped him to buy. Where, I do not know. I am a wreck. I cannot believe he did not love me enough to stop drinking, to say he would do whatever I needed to feel safe from his cheating and lying. I cannot believe I was not worth it to him.

I thought he loved me.

Mercilesslynuked posted 7/8/2014 13:24 PM

You were not the issue, he didn't love himself enough to understand what love really is. Sadly at the end of the day this is a fight within himself and you were merely collateral damage. Stay strong Jomarion, we're all here for you.

sparkysable posted 7/8/2014 13:25 PM

It's not you. HE is broken. He needs to fix himself. You can not fix him and you can not bail him out. You deserve better. Do not engage with him anymore. Let him feel what it's like to be without you.

Aerysta posted 7/8/2014 13:31 PM

I'm so sorry. I feel so bad for you.

Vader73 posted 7/8/2014 13:41 PM

I am in a different situation as my wife of ten years..and former gf of ten yeArs..which puts us together for 20 years..had an affair..still..from one hurt person to another..I hope u feel better..and continue to seek happiness in this fucked up well..Vader73.(Matt)

Jomarion posted 7/8/2014 15:34 PM

Vadar, I am so sorry for you. I cannot imagine what THAT must be like - your head must be spinning in disbelief - I had to read your post a few times just to take it in myself - (like when I realised my wayward BF, 'friend' OW, and his three kids were all plotting his affair behind my back. I could never accept FIVE people I thought loved and/or cared for me, three of them young teens whom I loved and cared for, could hurt me all at the same time!)Still, the degree of betrayal you must feel now - twenty years worth of love - to be then betrayed - by TWO people you loved - no words , I am so sorry.

He has come back to the property, I think he plans on sleeping in his car in the drive tonight.I am scared to see him, in case I break down again. When I saw him I ran into the house and left my purse and phone in the car.

I still have to go outside and milk the goat, though.I might be able to do it without him noticing. Luckily I did all the barn chores (feeding horses, cows, pig, shutting in chickens) before he came back. My ex ( whom I get on very well with and has been very supportive of me in all this,even happy for my sake I had found a boyfriend in the beginning. Now,though, he really dislikes him. That is saying a lot, as my ex is pretty accepting and forgiving of just about anybody.), said he would phone my WBF to get him off the property if I want.

My son is with my ex(his dad) tonight, so he does not have to witness my hysterics.

Thank you all for being here. You really are a lifeline. I am the only human in this big old house tonight, and I need your support. I have my 3 dogs, cat, doves and goldfish though. My CCTV cameras also enable me to keep an eye on him.

tushnurse posted 7/8/2014 15:45 PM

Sweetie - Know that his choice to choose cheating, and drinking over you, have NOTHING to do with you.

He can't make that choice because he is a broken man with addiction issues. The only person that can help him is him. He obviously isn't ready to do that. I would have your Ex, or someone one get him off your property. Him staying in his car in your drive is a ploy to make you feel intimidated. Don't let him do that to you.

If you need/want to go to your barn and take care of your animals, then by all means have a friend, or family member come over, and be your shadow, so you won't be tempted to engage with him, and he won't do anything to you.

(((and strength))))

Skan posted 7/8/2014 16:19 PM

You call the police, tell them that he is trespassing, and ask them to escort him off of the property. Do NOT let him camp out there! If you set a precedent by allowing him to do this, he will be there Every Damned Night that he decides that he wants to pressure you.

And please. Don't give him any more choices. None. Tell him what and when you want things to happen and stick to it. "You will get your stuff off of my property by Wednesday night or I will put it in a dumpster." "If you step food on my property after Wednesday night, I will call the police and file a complaint of trespassing against you and have you escorted off. Then I will ask for an RO."

If your horse was crowding you in it's stall because it wanted to be fed, you'd give him a quick slap and growl MOVE BACK at him, wouldn't you? Because you don't need to be trampled by a big, self-centered critter. He's a big, self-centered arse don't let him crowd you.

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/8/2014 16:31 PM

Are you safe? Will he get angry and try to hurt you physically? Please protect yourself and have the police there whenever he is. I don't know much about you or this situation, but I hope you can stay with people or have someone stay with you. I hope you know there are a lot of people who care about you.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/8/2014 16:40 PM

Honestly, the more I read your posts, the more I get the impression that this guy was around for a free ride on your money. He didn't pay for the house, you helped him to buy a car, he's broke and needs a free couch to stay on, and on and on.

Sounds as though you were basically supporting him and he was on easy street, looking to you to finance him while he went out and did whatever he wanted. I'm not saying you're rich, I'm simply saying that I get the impression that YOU were financing this entire relationship while he did precious little to contribute.

Quite honestly, it sounds as though he's come to terms with the fact that he's no longer going to get a free ride from you and he's got to move on - so that's what he's doing. It just doesn't sound like an emotional thing for him at all.

You're doing good, Jomarion.

Jomarion posted 7/9/2014 09:46 AM

I am in a very very bad way. I am weeping non-stop. He phoned, I did pick up, well, no 180 today! I just let loose, crying, screaming. Well, to make a long story short, he already has a place to live - he went to his boss, the sliming co-dependent shit-bag who rides her millions on the backs of broken underpaid exploited workers who rarely last more than a few weeks with her as she pays them so little, totally immoral bitch with a friendly smile, and she found him a place!

I am shocked. She is the one who has been trying to break us up, telling my WBF I am not worth staying with. He won't tell me details except that she has said I am controlling(controlling = don't want him drinking and slutting around with his workers), fat(fat = BMI of 15), and old(old= I am 54, he is 43, but most people who don't know us think I am the younger one and in my early 40's.) This boss is a duplicitous bullshitter who smiles to your face, and gossips behind your back. (She always smiles to me like we are friends. Though recently her smiles have had a nervous tinge to them) She is also the one whom his conniving 17 year old phones up, complains about her dad, and then the jerk boss phones up my WBF to tell him what to do. My WBF has been very angry at the boss(she is also illegally cheating him for his work-hours at work, and covered for the son, when he was witnessed by 5 people abusing an animal, a little lamb, almost to death at work, and I got the RSPCA to investigate( after years of trying to get enough evidence of his son hurting/killing animals for 'fun' to get the RSPCA out. I get the evidence, then that shit boss protects him!!! If you met her, though, you would see a nice middle-aged Welsh lady who likes to bake!)

The boss likes to smile a lot and is a pillar in the community. (ya,pillar of shit, excuse me, I am very angry now.)

I cannot believe he has gone to her for help getting a place.

I cannot believe how she is someone he says he cannot stand, yet he goes to her!

I cannot believe he would rather go to her for help moving out than do something with his life - stop being with alcoholics, enablers of alcoholics, cheaters, liarsand knowing she is cheating HIM!. The sort he says he wants to get away from!

I cannot believe he goes to her for help, the one who has said so many nasty things about me, and tried to break us up. (probably because I am educated, know English, and am aware of the laws in this country that indicate she is cheating him.He speaks Polish, is quite helpless without a Polish/English translator,and I can somewhat translate for him. Without me in his life, he is much more vulnerable to cheaters like her.)

I cannot believe.

I cannot believe he chose them all over me.

I thought I was worth more.

Please help. I feel so alone and abused.

He also still is saying how much he loves me, how he cannot stop drinking overnight, and he has changed.

But he is still visiting that youngest brat of his who is living with a woman who is known to cheat, and his daughter doesnot stop pushing him to cheat.

Makes me see why everyone in their family have never done much in their lives. Too busy 'getting ahead' the wrong ways: cheating, lying, slandering, manipulating, and then drinking to excess to erase their consciences.

1Faith posted 7/9/2014 10:00 AM

I am so sorry you are hurting.

You can not understand his logic because it is not logical.

You have to take care of you right now. You cannot fix him. He has to fix himself and he has to want to. Right now, he does not.

You are smart, kind and you matter. Don't let his poor choices define you.

This isn't about his boss at all; it is about him and what he is choosing to do and not do.

You deserve honesty and truth and you can't force that to occur.

Be kind to yourself. We are here and we care.

One day at a time.

Mercilesslynuked posted 7/9/2014 10:36 AM

This man-child...

Well I know it sucks, and words cannot express the pain, but know this - he has done you the BIGGEST favor imaginable by showing you EXACTLY who he is.

When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.
― Maya Angelou
Your goal now is indifference, it will take time and it will take conscious effort but you have a beautiful life ahead of you and this is your homework. Keep posting, we're here for you!

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