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Just random thoughts on grieving the "old us"

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Putto posted 7/8/2014 08:54 AM

We had this sweet little love story about two teenagers that fell in love and have been together ever since. Pictures of us growing up together, letters we wrote each other, a bracelet he gave me when I was 16.
It was so cute and innocent. We loved telling it to people who met us.

His serial LTAs have changed the story for me. It's no longer a story of innocence but one of ignorance. It's all about how a teenaged me was naive enough to trust and how the two of us could meet by chance and destroy each other over a decade.

After the first couple DDays the story still wasn't ruined for me and I would think back fondly on those "best" few years in the beginning and wistfully wish we could go back to the sweetness and innocence of it. After this last one, I don't know, I just can't shake the feeling that this relationship has never been what I thought it was. He didn't turn out to be who I thought. I didn't turn out to be who I thought. I was tricked.

Since beginning to reconcile I feel like we are finally awake. This is the first time in 11 years our relationship is real and we are real.
However I cannot stop grieving my innocence and my ability to trust. I resent all those years of discovery, gas lighting, rug sweeping, promises that it won't happen again and "can we please move past this" followed by a new discovery six months later. It killed the sweet love story we had. Our old relationship is dead and I can no longer speak fondly of it.

kap2014 posted 7/8/2014 10:23 AM

So sorry to hear your story Putto.

People change. I will even go so far as to say people die, and are reborn into their old shell within that same 'lifetime'. The woman I know and loved died some time ago, and reborn was this monster. Likewise with your (ex)lover, you may still be in love with, hoping and praying to find the REAL love you had with that person once before, but he may be long dead inside this person you no longer know.

Of course, I wont say give up, or keep trying. This is something you must find in yourself.

It is devastating, and I am also going through it hot off the press right now. Your mind knows the person you love is wrong for you, but your heart cant let go of the good memories. This community here is lovely. Keep reading, keep posting. It will help some.

[This message edited by kap2014 at 9:50 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

jendo posted 7/8/2014 11:00 AM

I'm with you on some of this. My WH and I have been together since we were 17. I am now finding out that he was living a double life off and on for 20 years. It is terrifying and sad. But the person he is now becoming is so much better than the person he was. He is doing the work and finally growing up. Our relationship is probably the most real its ever been as well and we are the most raw and honest we've ever been. But it is hard for me to grasp just what the past 20 years has been and what that means to me now. So confusing.

2married2quit posted 7/8/2014 11:10 AM

Yep, feeling the same way.

My wife and I met in High School. Fell in love, got married, built a family. Managed to go to night school and grew from there. 20 blissful yrs later and 2 kids, she cheats. Then questions everything even the reason why we got married in the first place.

The old me that would adore my wife and worship the ground she walked on died. I was naive thinking she would NEVER let anyone between us or into her heart. I died the day I found out.

Now, well she's more real now. Damaged and wounded, but getting back up. As far as me.... I'm so damaged sometimes I wonder what kind of husband I will be from here on. There's days when I wish I could love her like a used to. The story didn't get completely ruined as the past was true, but the traumatic part is awful. Hopefully the future will be better?

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