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My heart is completely torn.

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whymewhyus posted 7/8/2014 10:17 AM

I don't want to make this too long so forgive me if it is. We've been together since Jr High and high school. We have one daughter together, who lives with us. First dday was February 2010, someone from his work and we were having a hard time together and he moved out and lived with her for about a month, he came home and we reconciled for the most part. No counseling but we dealt with it. About 10 months ago he tried to initiate an affairs with a married woman at his work, it failed because she was happily married. I was upset but forgave because again, we were having a hard time and I felt like it was why he did that because he felt like I wasn't there for him. We bought a house shortly after (we were in the process already) and everything has been good since. I forgave and moved forward. He had developed a friendship with someone at work a few months ago and I was leary of it but he said to trust him and they were only friends. At this point, they really were but I constantly accused him and was suspicious. He had deleted texts and Facebook messages and would call her off and on and I even think they met after work a few times just to talk. Well his work shut down for the week and her and a bunch of their co workers were hanging out at the lake and apparently this is when he slept with her. Both were heavily under the influence of alcohol. I didn't find this out until Sunday. I logged into bis Facebook and saw a message where he told her he couldn't wait for work tomorrow so he could get away from me and see her. I confronted him and he denied anything. So I called her up and asked her to please tell me something because I felt like something was up. she admitted they had sex and were both wasted. Said she was sorry over and over and regretted it immediately after and fold him that it couldn't happen again. She was very remorseful but he still denied it. We fought all evening and o went to a hotel for the night. He text all night long apologizing and saying he messed up and was stupid and doesn't want to lose me or our family. He said he would do anything to make it right. Counseling, back in church ans whatever he had to. We talked last night and he said he would go to counseling, I suggested no contact with her unless it's work related. They don't work closely together but run into each other occasionally and hang out in the same crowd at work. We blocked her numbers, removed our fb accts, and he agreed to do an std test as well. Last night he said until the test results come back he thinks we should sleep in separate rooms because if it comes back with something positive, I'm just going to leave anyway. He's right. Last night we sleep separate and he came into my room this morning and just held me. Soon after he was getting ready for work and I just broke down alone. Cried so hard and he heard me and held me and just kept apologizing saying sorry he messed up again. He seems remorseful but I feel like its not enough but I don't know what else I need from him. I keep seeing them in my head, worrying if he's still talking to her or if he's being honest this time and really sorry. I feel so lost and helpless. Our first MC appt is tomorrow. I am hoping it will start the healing process. I think this group might be very helpful for me during this time. Glad I found it.

saturnpatrick posted 7/8/2014 10:27 AM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

None of this was your fault. You think that maybe you were not being a good enough wife and maybe there were some things that could have done better. But I bet he could have been a better husband too. There were issues in your marriage, but you didn't cheat now, did you? No. Furthermore, there are lots of betrayed folks on this site who had superstar marriages, and their partners cheated anyway.

The affairs are the result of a major character flaw in him, and has nothing to do with you.

steppingup posted 7/8/2014 10:30 AM

(HUGS) nobody deserves to be in these situations, including you. You are worthy of respect and a loyal and committed husband. It is not easy to stay with someone who is not commited and safety is not in the relationship. God bless you on your journey to find yourself in this. Take care of yourself first. Its like the air mask speach when you get on a plane. Things will improve if you take care of yourself. Either you will find another man to love you as you should be loved and cared for or you wil have a changed husband. Both are a win. But he has to do the work.

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/8/2014 10:51 AM

So sorry you are here (((why)))

I'm going to gently suggest that MC may be a little early. Have you talked to an IC? You've been so deeply hurt that you may want to give yourself some time to decide what YOU want rather then what he wants.

1Faith posted 7/8/2014 10:55 AM

I am so sorry you have found yourself here. This is a good place with kind hearted people that will speak the truth and try to help even at times when the truth hurts.

Please head to the Healing Library at the upper left hand side of the corner. And read. Read a lot.

No counseling but we dealt with it
How did you deal with the previous affairs? Please read about rugsweeping.

(((Gently))) - your WH is a serial cheater. He cheats because there are no consequences when he does.

Removing her from the phone or FB are only tactics. They will not prevent future affairs.

Your WH needs to get into IC (individual counseling) to understand how and why he continues to betray you. Without understanding this, the behavior will most likely continue.

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

1) Demand NC even if they see each other at work. If they don't work directly with one another there is no need to have any contact.

2) Friends of the affair or the "group" he hangs around with that knew about the hook up are NOT friends of the marriage. He lost his right to "hang out" because he has proven repeatedly that he CANNOT BE TRUSTED.

3) Ask yourself what makes this time different with his "I'm sorry" than the others?

His actions will speak louder than any words. Tread lightly and be aware.

I am sorry you are hurting. Please take care of you. You matter.

There is never an excuse to cheat. NEVER. He owes you more. He owes you honesty and truth.

Stand tall and post often.

Good luck.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:58 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

TimeToGo2014 posted 7/8/2014 10:55 AM

It never ceases to amaze me how the WS can deny something when the hard proof is in their face :/ I'm so sorry hun, what a draining and heart wrenching situation your WH has put you in. Take care of yourself - you are the priority right now.

whymewhyus posted 7/8/2014 11:39 AM

Yes I have actually been going to counseling alone for several months now. I turned 30 a few months ago and these thoughts started happening and I started creating friction in our marriage because my self esteem is so bad. I am extremely insecure with myself.

And we didn't deal with the other affair head on. It was kind of swept under the rug and I did forgive and move on and to this day, it doesn't affect me. I have gotten past that and we have gotten better from it I believe. I just wonder if true reconciliation is possible after multiple affairs?

1Faith posted 7/8/2014 14:11 PM

Please, please, please share this thread with your IC.

Any affair is extremely painful and confusing. Your feelings are normal and are NOT to be blamed for your WH's poor choices. He made the choice to cheat. No one pushed him into his affairs.

I apologize in advance if this seems harsh but you are taking all the "blame" and responsibility for HIS choices.

I started creating friction in our marriage because my self esteem is so bad. I am extremely insecure with myself.


You didn't CREATE friction. The friction was/is there because you have never dealt with the affairs. The betrayal of your husband. Of the hurt and uncertainty is has caused in your marriage.

Of course you are insecure because your WH continues to cheat and continues his pattern of behavior that is disrespectful and hurtful. It is normal to feel "what is wrong with me?...we all have. But this is NOT about you but about HIM choosing to cheat on you.

I did forgive and move on and to this day, it doesn't affect me. I have gotten past that and we have gotten better from it I believe.

Please see you comment above about being insecure. Of course, this affects you. How couldn't it? Your WH has chosen to cheat numerous times and this is okay?

Your feelings matter. But only you can bring them to light to make them matter.

And you state that you have gotten past the previous affairs and have gotten better from it how exactly? Your WH has chose to cheat again? That is not better. Not for you anyway.

Please don't settle for being an option. You know of 3 instances, what about the possible instances you aren't aware of?

Be strong for YOU. You can't fix your marriage alone. Your WH has to work on himself as well. Sorry doesn't quite cover this.

Good luck.

BreatheAgain10 posted 7/8/2014 23:35 PM

Hi whymewhyus, so sorry you find yourself in this situation... Again. I'm the BS of a fWH who's had more than one affair.
Everyone here will give you much support thru your sitch.
I will say one thing that you may have missed... **gently** You are insecure thru no fault of your own, hun! You did NOT just turn 30 and magically become insecure. You may have forgiven your WH as I have forgiven my fWH, but the insecurity lingers until your WH can stop his selfish ways, his cheating, and help you heal. IC is important also- especially if R fails. Unless your WH can make you feel safe and secure again (which takes time and a shit ton of hard work), you'll always be insecure in your marriage to him. Your WH's serial cheating caused your insecurity and self-esteem issues, even if you didn't realize it.

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