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Newest Member: FrustratedJoker (61483)

User Topic: Is reconciliation possible??
Member # 44038
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is reconciliation really possible after 2 affairs? He is remorseful and we attend first MC tomorrow. This is so fresh still. Dday was 6 days ago and I just found out Sunday evening. I am so scared right now.

[This message edited by whymewhyus at 11:52 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

Me, BS, 30
Him, WS, 32
Married 5 yrs, together since '98. Yep, JR high sweethearts.
1 DD, 12
1st DDay 2/?/2010 EA/PA with coworker. Lasted about 4 mos.
2nd DDay 7/6/2014 EA/PA diff coworker- was going on for few mos. Unsure if it still is.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United States
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey I'm so sorry....
What work on himself did he do between affairs?

[This message edited by rachelc at 12:39 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know? Anything is possible.

Do you want to reconcile?

I see a lot of people turn themselves inside out trying to make things work with partners who just don't have it in them to change into healthy beings. Then we see other waywards who had multiples and were able to make a total 180.

The reality is, he can't be remorseful yet. Not in the sense that we mean it. That takes time. He is likely pretty sad he got caught fucking up again.

Has he immediately gone NC, written a NC letter, given you passwords, become transparent and accountable? Those are good first steps to let you see he is serious this time.

And that's the question; what's going to be different this time than last time?

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 8014 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would really detach from him this time. Do things you have always wanted to do. Go to IC to work on any lingering FOO issues. If you guys rugswept the first affair figure out why that was ok with you. Let him figure out the way back into your life...

Edited to add: My husband had two affairs and I wish I would have done this.

[This message edited by rachelc at 12:22 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ 34353
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You cant and shouldn't make the decision to R right now. You are just starting MC. Right now you are seeing where you go. You have to find the right MC and that takes awhile to know if you have the right MC.
In order to R, the WS must do the work that MC and or IC require. The WS must prove themselves to the BS.
The BS has work to do too. The BS must deal with all the feelings that come with this and they have to heal somewhat, in order to know whether R is even a chance.
The biggest thing you need right now is some help and healing right now whether in the end you R or not.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA and 10/28/15 NEW dday.
Just surviving.

Posts: 1849 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
♀ 42091
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do what is best in your heart. What does your gut say?

Anything is possible but you really need to think it over.

Cheated: While dating

Posts: 221 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
♀ 42952
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

were both As before you found out? or did you start healing from one and then the 2nd occurred? My H had 4 PAs over 3yrs, but I only found out about any/all of them last July. If he had done this again after going through the recovery process, then R would be a lot harder for me, but if you're referring to the fact that there were multiple As before Dday then I believe it can be done. My H compartmentalized the pain and hurt he was causing, he didn't understand the impact of his actions til he hit rock bottom. Having 4PAs was no different than 1 or 100 with him, because it wasn't emotional in the least - he went back to the same person repeatedly because of the STD risk o sleeping around, nothing more and when that A ended he found the next one to fill his void. I do think you can R from a situation like this because it's not about the OP and multiples make it hard, but they don't make it impossible. In a situation where they've watched you grieve and gone and done it again, the stakes are higher - they knew what would happena nd they did it anyways. I'd have a harder time in R with that, but equally I have not been in that position and hope to never be. I think the bottom line is it comes down to you and what you think you can recover from and handle. If you believe he truly is remorseful and will never do this to you again, if he is proving that to you, then there is a chance in all cases.

Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs came from multiple onlines
Possible SA

Posts: 912 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 7

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