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whymewhyus posted 7/8/2014 11:51 AM

Is reconciliation really possible after 2 affairs? He is remorseful and we attend first MC tomorrow. This is so fresh still. Dday was 6 days ago and I just found out Sunday evening. I am so scared right now.

[This message edited by whymewhyus at 11:52 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

rachelc posted 7/8/2014 11:58 AM

Honey I'm so sorry....
What work on himself did he do between affairs?

[This message edited by rachelc at 12:39 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

Rebreather posted 7/8/2014 12:01 PM

You know? Anything is possible.

Do you want to reconcile?

I see a lot of people turn themselves inside out trying to make things work with partners who just don't have it in them to change into healthy beings. Then we see other waywards who had multiples and were able to make a total 180.

The reality is, he can't be remorseful yet. Not in the sense that we mean it. That takes time. He is likely pretty sad he got caught fucking up again.

Has he immediately gone NC, written a NC letter, given you passwords, become transparent and accountable? Those are good first steps to let you see he is serious this time.

And that's the question; what's going to be different this time than last time?

rachelc posted 7/8/2014 12:21 PM

I would really detach from him this time. Do things you have always wanted to do. Go to IC to work on any lingering FOO issues. If you guys rugswept the first affair figure out why that was ok with you. Let him figure out the way back into your life...

Edited to add: My husband had two affairs and I wish I would have done this.

[This message edited by rachelc at 12:22 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

jjsr posted 7/8/2014 12:22 PM

You cant and shouldn't make the decision to R right now. You are just starting MC. Right now you are seeing where you go. You have to find the right MC and that takes awhile to know if you have the right MC.
In order to R, the WS must do the work that MC and or IC require. The WS must prove themselves to the BS.
The BS has work to do too. The BS must deal with all the feelings that come with this and they have to heal somewhat, in order to know whether R is even a chance.
The biggest thing you need right now is some help and healing right now whether in the end you R or not.

yme32313 posted 7/8/2014 13:00 PM

Do what is best in your heart. What does your gut say?

Anything is possible but you really need to think it over.

sunvalley posted 7/8/2014 16:00 PM

were both As before you found out? or did you start healing from one and then the 2nd occurred? My H had 4 PAs over 3yrs, but I only found out about any/all of them last July. If he had done this again after going through the recovery process, then R would be a lot harder for me, but if you're referring to the fact that there were multiple As before Dday then I believe it can be done. My H compartmentalized the pain and hurt he was causing, he didn't understand the impact of his actions til he hit rock bottom. Having 4PAs was no different than 1 or 100 with him, because it wasn't emotional in the least - he went back to the same person repeatedly because of the STD risk o sleeping around, nothing more and when that A ended he found the next one to fill his void. I do think you can R from a situation like this because it's not about the OP and multiples make it hard, but they don't make it impossible. In a situation where they've watched you grieve and gone and done it again, the stakes are higher - they knew what would happena nd they did it anyways. I'd have a harder time in R with that, but equally I have not been in that position and hope to never be. I think the bottom line is it comes down to you and what you think you can recover from and handle. If you believe he truly is remorseful and will never do this to you again, if he is proving that to you, then there is a chance in all cases.