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One week tomorrow

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Cultureshock posted 7/8/2014 12:17 PM

Edited to the short version: WH and I have been married 9 years. We have 2 sons ages 4yrs and the other just 3 months. Ive suspected things at different points in time over the years but never had proof despite some snooping. However, I haven't had any sinking suspicions lately and we have been happy and getting along well.

He went out of town last weekend and I found text messages on his iPad where he spent two late nights at her house. Even told her he decided to stay an extra day to see her again. He told me he stayed an extra day to watch a world cup game. I called her on the phone and she sounded genuinely surprised he had a wife and kids. She asked how long we had been married and apologized but that's all I could get. She changed her tone and said they were just friends, nothing physical. I texted her a family pic which she immediately forwarded to WH saying, "Your wife just called. I didn't know you had a wife and 2 kids...SMH." I then blocked her number on his phone.

Anyway, Im still getting trickle truth. Almost like he is acknowledging it without admitting it. I told him to do some soul searching and figure out if he can be a one woman man. He says he isn't sure but will try. He grew up in a culture where cheating and wives looking the other way is the norm. He has agreed to IC if we go to different counselors. Im hopeful that will lead to MC or at least some more honesty.

I don't know what I want to do. I can't be a wife who looks the other way. My anxiety would get the best of me. I feel humiliated as it is because his friends facilitated the meeting last weekend. He acts remorseful and has been loving and kind but Im afraid it's short-lived guilt and he will fall back into his ways and get better at hiding it from me.

I have done a lot of reading here. I have an appt. next wed. for std testing and birth control. I have only confided in one IRL friend who has been through this repeatedly and now here. I feel like I might explode.

[This message edited by Cultureshock at 12:02 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]

ShiningAutumn8 posted 7/8/2014 13:13 PM

Im so sorry you are hear and hurting.

But he does not know if he can be a one woman man. He said he would try.

I think this is the most important part of what your husband has said.

He is telling you the truth here, so believe him.

I think IC is a good idea, esp for you. However he is basically telling you straight up he cannot be monogamous.

Are you willing to stay in a marriage knowing that about him?

If you continue to have sex with him, you should use a condom, as he could be continuing to cheat now, or will do so down the line.

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/8/2014 13:33 PM

You're in shock and need to take care of yourself. Get yourself tested for STIs, meet with an attorney to figure out your legal position, and find yourself a therapist who can help you decide what you need to do next. You don't have to decide anything today other than to protect yourself from someone who betrayed you and risked your health.

Cultureshock posted 7/9/2014 00:04 AM

Thanks for the replies. I am thinking his ability to change is slim but I guess Im hopeful. Im trying to preserve my sanity. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could plan my future. On the 4th of July I just kept saying I wonder what the next 4th will look like.

I am so resentful that my whole life and the lives of my children will have to drastically change due to HIS choices.

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