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How to handle episodes of paranoia?

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PBST2 posted 7/8/2014 12:43 PM

WW and I are just a couple of days into the process of R. D-day #1 was 2.5 weeks ago, but there was a second D-day 6 days ago when I found that she was violating my NC request and carrying on inappropriate conversation with her AP (a coworker). I followed much of the advice given here, which I think really helped to set a solid foundation for R. She is very aware of the stakes of the game she is playing and that I will not tolerate even a single new lie.

My biggest fear is that either she or her AP won't be able to resist the addiction and will find a way to start things back up. My WW has agreed to the conditions I set, which include NC (except what is necessary for business in the short term), complete transparency, and searching for another job, but I'm really struggling with her being at work and not knowing what is happening. Today I was overcome by an episode of paranoia and panic when I couldn't log on to her Google account. The password that she had told me about wouldn't work, so I sent her a message accusing her of hiding things from me. Well, it turns out that I didn't realize one of the letters in the password was capitalized, so in fact she wasn't trying to keep me out of the account. When I did log on I didn't see any evidence of her hiding something.

Now she's upset that I accused of her of something when she says she's trying really hard to do what I ask. She didn't get angry with me, as I think she understands my state-of-mind, but I don't think the episode did any favors for us. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with the paranoia, but at the same time being able to check up on a WS for NC? I feel like I could have handled it better. She did give me a call shortly after all of this happened and it made me feel better. Maybe I should just call her when I'm starting to feel this way?

KatieG posted 7/8/2014 13:02 PM

Its still so fresh, you need to settle into how things are going to be for a while. I guess she might be surprised by your paranoia but she needs to get used to it and learn how to deal with it. Its normal.

I still do it, now I call it crazy thinking, and I know that sounds like an excuse for how I am feeling, but it seems to remove some of the tension when things get really bad.

You are totally entitled to be reacting and feeling this way. Any tiny hint of a possibility she is not being honest with you and you will jump on it like a tiger. She needs to get used to it and show you she can be trusted again.

Keep vigilant and take care.

Rebreather posted 7/8/2014 13:02 PM

So yeah, there's no such thing as paranoia in the early stages of recovery. You are in a hightened state of awareness, every nerve ending is buzzing as your system is trying to protect you. You are probably going to accuse her of more things she hasn't done, but you know, that's a price she has to pay for blowing your world up.

Can she just quit today? I know this advice always sounds extreme, but allowing her to continue to work with the AP will make this process so, so, so much worse. Some of the best reconciliations have come when the wayward just BOOM quits their job. I mean, what could show you more how serious she is? That constant daily contact makes the withdrawl from the AP a slow torture for everyone. It rarely works.

confused615 posted 7/8/2014 13:20 PM

So six days ago she was still in the affair...and today gets upset with you because you asked her for the correct password?

She needs to quit her job.

What is she doing the damage she's caused?

I'm curious....did she write the password down correctly and you misread it? Or did she neglect to tell you one of the letters is capitalized?

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:21 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

PBST2 posted 7/8/2014 13:50 PM

She told me the correct password, but I made the incorrect assumption that it was all lowercase (I never asked). She didn't get upset that I was checking on her, just that I made the accusation that she was hiding something when it fact she is trying to be transparent. I can understand that.

I don't know what else to ask of her to "repair the damage". She has agreed to my conditions, including looking for another job, NC aside from what is essential for business, complete transparency, and 100% emotional support for me. After she made that commitment about finding a new job I told her I was willing to take a "wait and see" approach. It has only been 2 days, so I'm willing to give it some more time. I realize this is going to make things more difficult and I will stand firm on it if it continues to be a source of anxiety for me after some time.

Is it ever a good idea to leverage AP's wife to try to keep tabs on the situation? I have confirmation from her (phone call) that she got my message describing the details of the affair, but it was a very short discussion and we didn't talk at all about how each of us plans to move forward.

Badhurt posted 7/8/2014 14:18 PM


You get to be as paranoid as you want. She is not allowed to be mad. You will not be able to get moving on calming down while she is in that job.
If the OM wife will not help you be 2 sets of eyes, you need to go to their HR like a lot of us told you.that will put immense pressure on him if not get him fired, and it will show her you are doing the decision making here.
I do not believe there is anything anyone can tell you to calm your nerves when she gets up every morning and spends 8-10 hours with her AP. And since no one at work knows about it, no one will think anything of them disappearing.
Six days ago she was lying her ass off to you.
You are entitled to ask as many questions and say whatever you want
You did not cheat!! Her equal rights went out the window with that act

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