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pizzalover posted 7/8/2014 14:37 PM

This past week my BH and I were on a camping trip and we got into a huge blowup. BH was very upset at me (completely understandable) regarding my A. One of the things that he said was that "Divorce will always be on the table." Even though this is very difficult for me to hear, it completely makes sense because of what I did. Has divorce ever come off the table for anyone's BS or does it always linger there? If it came off the table, what made them decide that?

rachelc posted 7/8/2014 14:50 PM

who are we kidding here... Divorce is always on the table in any marriage. People can just walk away if they so desire... doesn't need to be a reason. And our spouses have big reasons. I would guess divorce is on the table in our marriage for the rest of our lives...

hopingforhappy posted 7/8/2014 15:06 PM

I am a BS and I consider divorce to be off the table (at this point), except in the event of another A, which I am pretty sure would be an immediate deal breaker. I know that as a practical matter, our society has evolved to the point that many people feel free to walk away from M just because they feel like it. I don't feel that way. I guess I am old-fashioned that way.

The reason I have taken divorce off the table is that my FWH has worked very hard to improve himself and show me that he wants our M to work. I have a hard time living in limbo, which is part of the reason that R was so difficult at first. At some point I just had to go all in. It took a while, like years not months.

Darkness Falls posted 7/8/2014 16:11 PM

Realistically I think divorce is never off the table in any marriage. I don't believe that unconditional love exists except for parent-child (or human-pet ) and, especially in today's society where nobody *has* to put up with someone else's crap, there isn't unconditional marriage either. Everybody has their dealbreakers, and either spouse could cross that line at any time.

My parents were married for 27 years. They had a horrible relationship and my mother put up with more than IMO she should have (not cheating). But she stayed married, until one day my dad crossed the line---he assaulted my (adult) brother. And my mom was d.o.n.e. I truly never thought they'd divorce...until they did.

And I think, of course, that divorce will always be on the table for a BS. How many times do we see on SI, "One more ___ (lie, affair, boundary violation) and I'm done"?

Anyone can D at any time. This is why I believe it's so important to let go of the outcome.

pizzalover posted 7/8/2014 16:15 PM

Anyone can D at any time. This is why I believe it's so important to let go of the outcome.

Do you mean that I need to accept the fact that D could happen?

bionicgal posted 7/8/2014 16:21 PM

On dday D was off the table until he/we put 6-12 months of concerted effort in to fixing things. I haven't felt like it was on the table since, because my H is remorseful, loving, and wants to be married to me (and I, him.)

Another affair would put it on the table, for sure. That isn't the kind of marriage I'd really want to be in.

Not sure what your husband was trying to say with that. What do you think?

Schadenfreude posted 7/8/2014 16:29 PM

Pizzaover, people have said D is always on the table. Yes, that means it could happen to you, me or whoever the next poster is.

Don't drive yourself crazy over that possibility. The Earth might get hit by a giant asteroid, too. That's possible. Or one of us could die tonight. Also possible.

With or without any A by anybody, D can happen. I'm not suggesting you prepare for it, but you cannot hide from the fact that it is a possibility for anybody.

It doesn't sound like your BH is threatening D, unless way more happened than you put in your first post. If your worry causes you to withdraw into yourself, you'll see what a self-fulfilling prophesy is. You need to concentrate on two things: helping him heal and figuring out why you decided to stray so it won't happen the next time.

Darkness Falls posted 7/8/2014 16:56 PM

Pizzalover,

Yes, to accept that it could happen. I think all WSs (and really anybody who is married) should accept that it *could* happen. Doesn't mean it will...but yes, accept that the possibility is always there. Using SI as an example again: I've seen BSs, years out from D-day, say that their WS is doing everything right but they still want to D. I've seen a few FWSs on the brink of the same thing. I may be cynical and jaded, but I really believe, especially after infidelity, that security in a M is hard if not impossible to come by. Hell, that's just *life.* Security is an illusion.

That being said, letting go of the outcome also to me means accepting that you can't control your spouse's process in healing or their feelings or their behavior. It's about knowing what you can control and focusing on that. Being the best "you" that you can be.

EvolvingSoul posted 7/8/2014 17:28 PM

Like everything on the planet, this reminds me of a story.

There was another member that joined here about the same time I did, or at least we had similar d-days (summer 2010). Her situation was very complicated in that there was an OC involved, but otherwise it seemed like she and I had a lot of the same brain wiring problems. Her BS was posting on JFO also, so I was following their story from both sides. And then one day in late spring 2012, her BS posted that he was divorcing her. And he did.

I felt really bad for him, for her, but based on what he and she had both posted, I thought that she probably hadn't really done the work and I actually felt myself feeling a little bit...smug? self righteous? Not sure exactly, but in any case a few days later BS and I were on our way to couples counselling and as we were pulling into the parking lot I mentioned that this couple were divorcing and how glad I was that we had dodged that bullet.

Holy cow. I did not see it coming. But my suggesting that somehow the divorce bullet had been dodged by me, that he/we had dodged any kind of bullet when he was feeling so very shot up was a mother of a trigger for him. I wish I could say I handéd it better, but I did not.

In agreement with many other posters, I know that divorce is always "on the table" in the sense that anyone can walk away from a relationship at any time, for good reasons or bad. However, I think for BS's, at least for mine, acknowledging that he has a legitimate reason for walking is important.

Semi-random thought, EvolvingSoul.

Actionsoverwords posted 7/8/2014 19:11 PM

who are we kidding here... Divorce is always on the table in any marriage. People can just walk away if they so desire... doesn't need to be a reason. And our spouses have big reasons. I would guess divorce is on the table in our marriage for the rest of our lives...

This is the truth right here

After the D-Days in 2008, BW visited a divorce attorney and came home and handed me a copy of the retainer/agreement. I still have that agreement in my possession.

I kidded myself for years thinking that everything was going to be okay and divorce was not going to happen - even though I was still hiding my SA behaviors. BW and I are currently separated after D-Days in 2013 and 2014.

wheredoigo posted 7/8/2014 21:55 PM

It's good to see you posting again. I've followed your story for quite some time.

Maybe he's saying that because he thinks as long as you think that its "on the table" and always a possibly, then he feels safe?

There are definitely still many moments that my BS says something and it will throw me completely off guard. When my BS said something similar a few months ago, I asked if we could sit down and we wrote out his deal breakers to help me see what he defined as "always on the table." It gave me a clear idea of what his boundaries were and helped us communicate this scary subject in a way that was clear and to the point.

IMHO, in order to become a better and more loyal spouse/partner, I truly believe you have to let go of the outcome of your marriage. At the end of the day whatever he feels will help him heal from the damage you've done is what's best. Supporting him in that decision is the only thing you can do to make him feel safe again.

lovemywife4ever posted 7/9/2014 07:17 AM

Divorce is essentially always an option for anyone. I am starting to see that for me M is everything and you work on it and move together into a good place. My wife sees it as a definite due to this though. Sadly she was the one that would work through ups and downs and not consider D a while back. The tables have turned in my home because of my actions. I will always work on my M as long as I have air in my lungs now.

mozzchops posted 7/9/2014 09:13 AM


Half of all marriages end in divorce.
Throw infidelity into the mix and it makes things really hard.

pizzalover posted 7/9/2014 17:44 PM

Schadenfreude,

It doesn't sound like your BH is threatening D, unless way more happened than you put in your first post. If your worry causes you to withdraw into yourself, you'll see what a self-fulfilling prophesy is. You need to concentrate on two things: helping him heal and figuring out why you decided to stray so it won't happen the next time.

Nothing happened since my post. He's definitely not threatening divorce. I am working diligently on those 2 things.

Wheredoigo

It's good to see you posting again. I've followed your story for quite some time.
Maybe he's saying that because he thinks as long as you think that its "on the table" and always a possibly, then he feels safe?

Thanks for following my story. In regards to not posting recently - sometimes I have so many things swirling around in my mind that it seems too overwhelming to post. I guess I just need to get it out on here because it makes me feel better and it's so helpful to get other people's input.
Perhaps he does say that to feel safe. I never thought about it like that.
IMHO, in order to become a better and more loyal spouse/partner, I truly believe you have to let go of the outcome of your marriage. At the end of the day whatever he feels will help him heal from the damage you've done is what's best. Supporting him in that decision is the only thing you can do to make him feel safe again.

It's hard to let go of the outcome, but I understand that this possible future reality is a consequence of my devastating actions. I am working to become a better person and make him feel safe again. I want that more than anything in the world.

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