Long and rambly post, sorry.
Had a mixed day yesterday. I find myself living moment to moment, and grasping onto the fleeting moments that feel almost "normal" because I don't know when the next will arrive.
Reading over threads in SI has been both enlightening and discouraging. I know recovery will take time, but seeing couples still struggling years down the line fills me with dread and more of the "beat myself up" remorse for having cheated.
BH had a very bad day yesterday. the numbness is wearing off and turning into anger. He's also a flux of emotions and had to leave work early because he was so upset.
He had a list of questions for me to answer, which I did.
He tried looking into our skype records to see history, but I explained to him that records of our chats and discussions were on the website we met on, and when I deleted my account to go NC, that deleted all history of our exchanges as well. I also explained that I created a new skype account to communicate with him, but that we never IM'ed on there, just used it for face to face contact, and it only lists when we made calls, but not the content.
I also let him know that AP told me when I ended things a few days ago that he would send me one last email on Monday evening to ask one more time if I would come meet him, but that I pre-empted that with a NC letter emailed first before he had the chance to ask me, telling him that I told BH everything and that I'm now committed to repairing what I damaged, that I wasn't going to meet with him in person ever, and to not contact me again.
AP responded with an apology to BH, to say that he's miserable and his vacation is ruined, and that he's sorry for everything and wishes us both well, and hopes that BH and I do recover.
I offered to show it to BH but he said no.
I did also say I was no longer visiting the site I met AP on and he said he was glad.
I mentioned in a post yesterday that I wasn't sure who BH could tell, and that he needed to talk to someone. He did ask me this in his list of questions too. He hopes for R, and doesn't want to burn bridges or hurt future relationships with our friends and family if he tells talks to them. He's wary of counselling or talking to a counsellor, and doesn't want to just talk because he honestly doesn't know what to say, he's still a jumble of emotions and thoughts.
I let him know that I had no right to tell him who he could talk to. He could talk to whoever he felt comfortable with, and I'd just have to face their changed response to me as a consequence of my actions, but as of right now he doesn't want to share any of this with family or friends.
I let him know about SI and showed him the site, and explained that if he needed to discuss/vent/ask questions, or anything, that it was a safe place to do so, and that he would find lots of support from people on both sides going through similar circumstances.
I validated his feelings and even though it hurt me to know that his bad day was because of me, I let him air it out and just took it. I let him know these were all normal responses to emotional trauma, and that he wasn't weak.
I expressed my remorse and regret again.
We will be pursuing counselling, but he's still hesitant about it, and feels he needs a bit more time to be ready for it.
The most significant thing that happened last night, was that he wanted to connect physically. He said that I'm the one who caused him this pain, but that I"m the one he wants to seek comfort from about it, which completely made sense. He spent some time just hugging me fiercely and we cried and just... were. We just lay there holding each other.
In these moments he said that he told me when he proposed that he wanted to grow old with me, and that that still stands. That we can get through this.
I told him that the last time we went through marital problems, we survived a year of the suck, just living day to day like shells until eventually things didn't suck any more, and that was without doing anything, just letting time heal that wound. We didn't talk, didn't come to any decisions, things just gradually changed. I told him that if we could get through that, that if we worked hard with supports this time, hopefully we could make it over even this.
We both recognize that there will be ups and downs, and that it will get really hard, but that ultimately we both really want the same thing in the end, to reach a point where we both feel recovered, and to remain together and loving. It felt like we were a team, and for a moment it didn't matter that I was the one that detonated the bomb, we were both recovering and rebuilding together.
I don't deserve my BH. He amazes me with how level headed he is, even when he is in the pits of emotional turmoil, and that he still has the strength to show me compassion when I was the one that gutted him. I don't deserve him, but I'm going to work like hell to be worthy and to fix myself. I'm going to work like hell to be all that I can for him, to help him to heal, to put aside my usual selfish nature and take care of him, especially now.
We actually made love last night as well. He initiated, and I was happy to engage whenever he felt ready. I didn't realize he'd want to so soon, and I know that his feelings will change on that as the days progress and he encounters different stages of emotion through processing this all. Neither of us finished, but we both really needed to reconnect in that way. It felt healing, and for a moment, normal. I felt hopeful, as did he, and it just reconfirmed that we both still love each other and we're both in pain (for very different reasons), but that we're both in it together, riding the waves that come our way.
I should mention, too, that I confirmed with him that it was okay for me to post on here, and he's fine with it.
Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to get that all out there.
Was wondering if the lovemaking was a helpful thing for our R? I was worried about triggers, but my A never became physical, and I let BH take the lead, and let him know he could stop whenever he wanted.