This is my first thread initiation to SI, I've been reading for a couple of weeks. I am not sure where to start, so this seemed appropriate.
Today is our 1 year D-day anniversary. It is also my 59th Birthday, and its a day I've been dreading. My BW (lostcovenants) asked me several months ago to answer some questions for her: (1)do you now how I feel? (2) what will you do to help me heal, and (3) to provide a detailed timeline of my PA and OA's. I have answered 1 and 2 - but providing the timeline has been her major need, and for me the hardest thing to provide. I honestly do not remember every OA partner (it went on for many years - with many, many women)- and I am afraid that if I don't list them all (because I may not remember them), and it comes to the surface later it will be like starting all over again. I could not be more ashamed and embarrassed, or feel a greater amount of guilt than I already do over my behavior and actions. I cannot fully understand the hurt, pain, humiliation, loss of trust and self-esteem, and countless other damages this has caused my BW. I do love her and want to help her heal from my actions.
So, I ask myself (1) why am I so hesitant to provide what she wants and says she needs to heal? I do feel now that because I have drug this out, that any reply on my part will be interpreted as "just doing it to get her off my back". I don't want it to be construed that way, so how do I do it and let her know that it came "from me" rather than "through me because she kept pushing for it"? I hope this doesn't sound like too stupid of a question.
I also wonder (2)if there is any need/value in attending MC as long as I'm stuck at this point?
(3) I have started to put together a timeline - and I am filling it in as I remember other online affairs, other details, etc.: at what point do I give this to her? when will it be complete enough? or is it an evolving framework that continues to get filled in as other memories cone to the front. I spent lots and lots of time and energy tightly packaging those details in many, many boxes and put them away on many, many shelves to keep them hidden and unretrievable (think of the final warehouse scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark). I am a master at compartmentalization - the task seems unattainable.
Any suggestions or help would be greatly appreciated.
[This message edited by tremblingaspen at 4:36 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]