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tremblingaspen posted 7/8/2014 16:09 PM

This is my first thread initiation to SI, I've been reading for a couple of weeks. I am not sure where to start, so this seemed appropriate.

Today is our 1 year D-day anniversary. It is also my 59th Birthday, and its a day I've been dreading. My BW (lostcovenants) asked me several months ago to answer some questions for her: (1)do you now how I feel? (2) what will you do to help me heal, and (3) to provide a detailed timeline of my PA and OA's. I have answered 1 and 2 - but providing the timeline has been her major need, and for me the hardest thing to provide. I honestly do not remember every OA partner (it went on for many years - with many, many women)- and I am afraid that if I don't list them all (because I may not remember them), and it comes to the surface later it will be like starting all over again. I could not be more ashamed and embarrassed, or feel a greater amount of guilt than I already do over my behavior and actions. I cannot fully understand the hurt, pain, humiliation, loss of trust and self-esteem, and countless other damages this has caused my BW. I do love her and want to help her heal from my actions.

So, I ask myself (1) why am I so hesitant to provide what she wants and says she needs to heal? I do feel now that because I have drug this out, that any reply on my part will be interpreted as "just doing it to get her off my back". I don't want it to be construed that way, so how do I do it and let her know that it came "from me" rather than "through me because she kept pushing for it"? I hope this doesn't sound like too stupid of a question.

I also wonder (2)if there is any need/value in attending MC as long as I'm stuck at this point?

(3) I have started to put together a timeline - and I am filling it in as I remember other online affairs, other details, etc.: at what point do I give this to her? when will it be complete enough? or is it an evolving framework that continues to get filled in as other memories cone to the front. I spent lots and lots of time and energy tightly packaging those details in many, many boxes and put them away on many, many shelves to keep them hidden and unretrievable (think of the final warehouse scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark). I am a master at compartmentalization - the task seems unattainable.

Any suggestions or help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you....

[This message edited by tremblingaspen at 4:36 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

RegretsTillIDie posted 7/8/2014 21:17 PM

Get busy. Do the detective work that your BW has probably already done. Get your phone records, your old calendars, passports, your credit card statements, and anything else that can help you put it together. I totally get not being able to pull it from your memory. I’m the same way but my BW doesn’t give a shit and shouldn’t. When she asks a question go the extra mile to not only answer it but give her more information than she’s asking for. Anticipate the questions and answer them in advance. Let her know that you are constantly thinking about this (assuming you are) and that when you think of or remember another event or fact that you’ll tell her. Don’t feel like you’ve got to have it all done before you present it to her. Give her what you have every few days when it’s rolling in and at least every week or so once you get the majority of it on paper. Initially it’s hard to imagine the level of detail and repulsive intimate explanations that she will want to know but (at least for me) that’s what it’s taking to even begin to think we have any chance of survival. And reconcile yourself to the fact that this is your task for the rest of your life. You screwed up and ruined her life and it will never be totally healed. That’s your fault so there’s no break in the work you have in front of you. For me, I’ve come to understand the work will never end. This is not a chapter that will eventually wrap up and a new chapter will begin. No matter where I go or what I do if I expect to be a part of my BW’s life, my children’s lives and my grandchildren’s lives then I will be about the work of transparency and truth telling (past, present and future) for the rest of my life. This is a marathon. Get your mind right and stay focused.

somethingremorse posted 7/9/2014 08:31 AM

if there is any need/value in attending MC as long as I'm stuck at this point?

I always think of MC as a safe place to discuss big issues. For a lot of the things that we tackle during R, we will bring it up in MC, and the three of us kind of make a road map for how to do it.

I think MC is a good way to get you unstuck.

tremblingaspen posted 7/22/2014 16:43 PM

Thank you for your replies and advice. I have gotten to work and am constructing a timeline for her. I gave her the 1st part of it last night, and she didn't read it. I outlined the dates & places that my AP and I met (dates as best I can recollect - some specific that were associated with other things). We talked long afterward and she asked me several questions about what was in the timeline - and if she had already knew everything. Of course, she didn't know everything that I had written - which was what I thought the point of writing everything down was about. Anyway, I now feel like she is experiencing D-Day all over again, and when I stopped to see her in her office today she asked me to leave after a fairly short and agonizing conversation. I am going to continue to fill in the blanks in the timeline and expand it to include the names (ones that I know) of online partners and other violations of our marriage covenant.

My questions is what can I expect - its seems that this has sent her back down the rat hole when I expected this while not to be a pleasant experience - I thought it would open the door to more open and honest communication.

I've also made another MC appointment for next week - I'm working hard to engage and get back in the saddle to give this R a chance to work. I hope it is not too late.

Thanks again for your help.

BecomingMe posted 7/22/2014 17:02 PM

I was betrayed by my LTA OM, so the good part about that is it allows me to feel true empathy and understanding for my BH. Being lied to and cheated on by someone you love is the most awful feeling I have ever had. It is crushing to know that is how I made my BH feel too.

As for the timeline, I think given the fact that so much time has already passed, you just have to do the best you can. She needs to form reasonable expectations. The more time that goes by, the more you will forget.

As for being hurt by the new knowledge, if she wants the full truth there is no way to avoid it. But you have to realize it is like D-Day all over again, and she is going to need a LOT of time to process all this. Give her space, and just keep honestly answering any questions that she asks.

[This message edited by BecomingMe at 5:05 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]