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Two sides to the story

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IntoTheLight posted 7/8/2014 16:32 PM

I read other boards and can't help myself from reading posts about the OW (painful). The posts about contacting the OW and her having a different (untrue) version are killing me. It appears that in the mind of BW, the BH is the one who is telling the truth and the OW is deluded and has rewritten the story in her mind.

Do you think your AP had completely different take on your relationship? Do you think what it is/was in your head was different than the reality? Or did you tell your BS a version that you think would be less hurtful/protect yourself?

(I am sure I need to stay off the other boards and stop the pain shopping).

[This message edited by IntoTheLight at 7:45 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

Macsecond posted 7/8/2014 16:43 PM

I definitely think my AP sees the A differently than I do. He believes he'd fallen in love with me, I believe what I felt (and what he feels) is the fog and not real.

The latter half of our affair was me trying to limit things and him getting defensive and (I now know) trying to guilt me into staying connected with him. AP very much saw our relationship as something harmless and parallel to our main relationships, whereas I saw it more and more, until the end, as something wrong that needed to be ended.

AP believed I loved him but was afraid to admit it, but I know I was in the fog, not love, and very uncomfortable with ending things due to being passive and not wanting to hurt or offend him, even though I should have much sooner than I did.

IntoTheLight posted 7/8/2014 16:50 PM

AP very much saw our relationship as something harmless and parallel to our main relationships, whereas I saw it more and more, until the end, as something wrong that needed to be ended.

I definitely relate to this. I think we had very different experiences and I wonder if we've told our spouses completely different stories.

[This message edited by IntoTheLight at 4:51 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

rachelc posted 7/8/2014 16:51 PM

Do you think your AP had completely different take on your relationship?

really the last thing anyone of us waywards should be concerned about. I don't care what he thought.

IntoTheLight posted 7/8/2014 17:00 PM

really the last thing anyone of us waywards should be concerned about. I don't care what he thought.

Truth.

I get fired up about it when I read other boards. I can see AP calling me a "bunny boiler" to save his ass. It wouldn't be as troublesome if we didn't know so many of the same people. But I suppose if I didn't want to be called a bunny boiler I shouldn't have had an affair...

Aubrie posted 7/8/2014 17:10 PM

Do you think your AP had completely different take on your relationship? Do you think what it is/was in your head was different than the reality? Or did you tell your BS a version that you think would be less hurtful/protect yourself?
It doesn't matter. What "we had" was deceptive and hurtful to my husband and marriage. What my AP thought or thinks today is of no consequence. I was messed up. I was willing to do what it took to fix myself. That included forgetting AP and caring about his thoughts or feelings.

Bottom line, I betrayed my husband to be a personal blow up doll for some random dude. He betrayed his wife in order to be a walking, talking dildo. I could have been anyone. He could have been anyone. Romantic huh?

AP doesn't matter. His feelings and views don't matter.

tired girl posted 7/8/2014 17:24 PM

Why is it important to you that your affair be perceived the right way? Are you really filling your thoughts with this?

Why are you not thinking about how you got into this mess?

authenticnow posted 7/8/2014 17:27 PM

Intothelight,

The AP shouldn't matter but it is a process and as we heal we learn from each step we take, backwards and forwards. It takes us awhile to form new, healthy behaviors.

Please look at why you are pain shopping. Don't read on sites that you feel are unhealthy for you.

As for your question, I think the APs and I were on the same page. It was what it was, a PA (each time, there were two), and it was clear that there would be nothing more. I did minimize to 'protect' my BH, when in reality I was just trying to protect myself and control the outcome.

IntoTheLight posted 7/8/2014 18:20 PM

Why is it important to you that your affair be perceived the right way?

That's a good question. I guess I feel it's a lot better to be perceived as a woman who made terrible choices and is remorseful (truth) vs a villain psycho bunny boiler. OM is a great guy on the surface, but is as fucked up as I am. I guess I get angry when I think about him getting away with his dignity and reputation intact and I won't. I realize I have to get over what everyone thinks of me and I've done it to myself.


Why are you not thinking about how you got into this mess?

Believe me it's all I've thought about for years.

rachelc posted 7/8/2014 18:37 PM

it's a lot better to be perceived as a woman who made terrible choices and is remorseful (truth) vs a villain psycho bunny boiler.

unless this person perceiving is you or your loved ones, it doesn't matter. I'm sure people in this town think of me as a unmentionable. That's nice. I'm not that person now. And there are about 7 people in this world I care about knowing the kind of person I am - hubby and kids are 5 of them.

IntoTheLight posted 7/8/2014 18:45 PM

unless this person perceiving is you or your loved ones, it doesn't matter.

It's so true and I know this. I just have my moments. Time to stop reading the other boards.

Alyssamd24 posted 7/8/2014 19:08 PM

Into the light,
I get where you are coming from. ..after dday I struggled a lot with this...I confessed to my XAPS wife over the phone...when she confronted him he painted me as a stalker who was lying and said I had a history of doing this.....I then lost my job and my daughter her daycare, and they remained at the school...they also built a brand new home and had their second child.

Im sure he portrayed me as a crazy psycho bunny boiler. ...but now realize it doesnt matter. He and I both fucked up. ..I owned up to it and am trying to improve myself...he chose to rugsweep and deny.

hopefull77 posted 7/8/2014 19:36 PM

Actually there are 3 sides to a story ....yours...his...and the what really happened....
And what really happened is sad...to EVERYONE involved

IntoTheLight posted 7/8/2014 19:45 PM

Waywards only- I meant to put a stop sign. Not interested in getting beaten up by a BS today.

Deeply Scared posted 7/8/2014 19:50 PM

IntoTheLight...

I've added the stop sign for you. But in the future if you don't want BS replies, don't click it off when you start your thread.

familyfirst posted 7/9/2014 09:31 AM

I can see AP calling me a "bunny boiler" to save his ass

I get why that would be troubling, but you can't have control over that. Worrying about it seems like a waste of brain space.

The *truth* of the A relationship is really dynamic. Even my own side of the story has changed as the months tick by and I see things with a different perspective. The SI vets who have been around the longest seem to eventually land on "the A/AP meant nothing, it was all me". I hope to get there someday too

[This message edited by familyfirst at 12:35 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]

ImSorry11 posted 7/9/2014 14:54 PM

"Do you think your AP had completely different take on your relationship? Do you think what it is/was in your head was different than the reality? Or did you tell your BS a version that you think would be less hurtful/protect yourself?"

Not that it matters but to answer your question I think both my AP and I knew what was happening. During the affair we both used each other. We were both loving the ego kibbles and external validation. We were both addicted to each other. After the A ended I was able to see that we were using each other. We were both two broken fucked up people betraying our spouses.

I told my BH everything. It was difficult to tell BH that I had told another man, married no less, that I "loved" him (during the A). My BH wanted to know all the gory details. My AP messaged me after his DDay and said he was telling his BW a very diluted minimized version of the A. Lies by omission, lies by minimizing, lies lies lies. I let my BH read the long message. He basically told me that my AP and his BW are non existent to us. He feels bad for my AP's BW but what happens in their household is none of our business.

As far as reading other boards. I read them to try to understand my BH's feelings. I read the things people say about the OW ( whore, slut, cumdumpster, etc). My BH called me some of these things right after DDay. He later apologized. I once asked him, through tear filled eyes, if he could ever look at me and not see a whore. He hugged me and said he didn't see a whore. He saw his remorseful wife who made a bad mistake and he saw someone who was committed to fixing herself and committed to healing & rebuilding her marriage.

Plus, the way I see it, if I'm a whore/slut/ whatever, my AP was too. BS's that call OP horrible names better be calling their wayward spouses the exact same names. Just my opinion.

I feel horrible for my part in fucking up my AP's BW's life. I wrote her a letter letting know how sorry I was. My BH told me I wasn't allowed to actually send it but it felt therapeutic to write it. However my AP portrayed me to her isn't my concern and I don't have the energy to care. My energy is spent on fixing myself, my marriage, and helping my BH heal. I feel like I'm rambling but I once had the thoughts you had and I bet you'll get past them. This journey is so flipping hard. ((Hugs)) to you IntoTheLight.

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