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HouseWife1981 posted 7/8/2014 17:06 PM

My name is House wife. I live in California with my husband and 4 children- all of them his. I have one in middle school one in elementary and the twins are 3.
I asked my husband to prom in 1999. His dad was my mom's drug dealer. We both came from neglect and we supported each other and became each other's life line and support system. I went to college he went to work. We lived together and in 01 welcomed our first son. In 03 our second son. To say times were tough in understatement. To say that we brought our neglect and dysfunction into the the relationship is an understatement. In 04 i had an emotional affair. My husband (boyfriend at the time) discovered it. I quickly ended it and he never asked me one question. He became mean, jealous accusing and domineering. I deserved it all
I seeked free therapy at school to discover why I would risk my wonderful relationship and my children over flirtations. It was all my fault.
Fast Forward. Economic collapse compounded by his sister stealing my identity and going to jail under my name , address, and social meant i was fired from social work. House payment and loss of income and a felony on my records and all i could get was a job cocktail serving at a restaurant. Did nothing for my husband (then bf) trust. He never complained. Not until years later did he start complaining. I developed a drinking habit and would drink on the job every night I was there. I hated being there. My then bf never said anything to me. His rich aunts asked why were not married. We answered money and they answered we are having ourselves a wedding. we were married in 2008. I asked him after the wedding if we could have a clean slate. I had quit my job, we had lost our home, and we were living in a house rented to us by his aunts. He refused. I stayed home with our children. he said he preferred it that way. His treatment never got better, and he would belittle me in front of friends and flirt openly with my single gf. At the end of 2009 I had discovered that he had been on dating profiles for one night stands and no committal sex. That he had been going to massage parlors and seeking out sex on craigslist and even talked to a prostitute that claimed she was very familiar for him and he claimed I just did not do it for him anymore. I was devastated and and very upset and he begged crying on his hands and knees to be with me. He admitted he was wrong to do those things, he begged and acknowledged that our relationship would never be the same. He was being unfaithful since before the wedding. I owed him one. He always believed I had had sex during my emotional affair. Not that an emotional affair is any less of cheating . I took power back in our relationship. He stopped calling me a cheater, we entered into a honey moon faze. I quickly became pregnant. All work on the marriage came to the halt with the discovery of a twin pregnancy, birth and infancy. It wasn't until the twins were 18 months that problems started. I moved my friend in and her daughter when she became homeless. She was my brothers gf but he dumped her and she was my friend as well. She was to stay no longer than 18 months, and slept on the other side of the house. Things started to change when she started to sleep with my husbands brother. They would have secret talks and both of them would tell me they couldn't talk to me anymore. I begged my husband to distance himself from her because their intimate talks bugged me. He refused. Saying his friendship with her was too important to him because she was his personal link to his brother. She became intimate again with my brother and caused a big drama in our family. My husband and I continued to fight. He was constantly caught in small lies. He was accepted by my brother, but i was not. He would not abide to my come home before the bars close rule on guys night out. He was still restrictive on my activities when it came to girls night. however the last 3 months have been rather peaceful and I have been trusting him to go to the gym more, not fighting with him when he went on guys night. My trust despite his lack of earning it was starting to happen again 4 years later. Friday June 29th I go out with my friend and her new Girlfriend (to meet this new love interest in her life) and the new girlfriend brought her just turned 21 year old nephew. My husband said he was uncomfortable, and I said I know you are comfortable we made these plans when we thought you were coming, but I will back out of them. He told me to go. Nothing inappropriate happened with the little boy. the next night he went out with my womanizing brother and my brother's friend. Husband tells brother he is bugged by my behavior. My brother gave him permission to cheat. My husband at 2 in the morning sends email to woman off craiglist. I found it on July 2nd. he had erased individual page web history, sent mail deleted mail but had missed his unsent drafts. He has been remorseful, but shifting blame, and pointing out everything that is wrong with me. And that is why he did it. That is why he gets to sleep with random women. I am sure that this is the tip of the ice burg, because he has been telling me that I am unhappy, that I am unhappy with him, that I am only half in this relationship, and that I am not able to keep up the house, I am not keeping on the kids, I am not attentive enough, I am not exciting enough in bed, and that I do not love him. Last time there was scores of evidence this time all I can find is 5 drafts to the same ad. Seeking medical and psych help. need support and encouragement. his logic is always so sound I do feel at fault. I do not know where to go from here. I am not being a good mother, I am not able to eat, although coffee is still appealing, I cant sleep and I cant stop thinking about how he threw away the last 4 years of struggle. Am I over reacting? Am I to blame?

HouseWife1981 posted 7/8/2014 17:11 PM

she was to stay no longer than 6 months

nekorb posted 7/8/2014 18:42 PM

his logic is always so sound I do feel at fault. I

That right there is problem number ONE.

His logic is fucking bullshit. Around here we call it "rugsweeping". To my knowledge you did not force him to go out, for the last 6+ years, and have sex with other women.

It is not your fault he cheated. it's HIS fault and until he is ready to accept that, there isn't a darn thing you can do to repari the relationship, if that's what you want.

Please go to the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner, yellow box, go to the BS FAQs and check out topic 11 - the 180.

You need to give this asshole a little wake up call.

Stop worrying about him and you get yourself together to take care of your kids. EAT. drink ensure or something similar if you cant eat right now. Stay hydrated. Sleep when you can.

Fuck that guy. You take care of YOU and the kids right now, honey.

Do you have any support nearby? Family? Friends?

Oh - and welcome to SI - I'm sorry you're here, but glad you found us.

starfish6 posted 7/9/2014 03:34 AM

You're not overreacting. You admitted your fault a long time ago, and he's just using that as a continuous free pass to do what he wants. You respected him enough to come clean. He has no respect for you and obviously not himself. It's unfortunate that the things that brought you together haven't kept you strong... I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. I agree with the previous person. Take care of yourself and your kids. The jealousy and controlling behavior he's exhibiting is the scariest part... you will get good help here. I hope you have luck with your counseling as well.

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