This is hard for me to get past because instead of compartmentalizing, he put me smack dab in the middle with false stories about me. It is one thing to generalize and say you have a boring or non-existent sex life, but in the chat logs WH makes me out to be dull, cold, deformed and sexually handicapped. COW “picks” on me in the chat logs and they both make jokes about me. For sake of length, I will only include two of the strange "tall tales" he told so you can get an idea:
Example A• BW has a permanent period. When COW said BW should see a doctor, he replied that BW has, but BW rejected any sort of medical intervention. COW comments about BW basically being an idiot. (My comments: A permanent period? Seriously? So not only am I bloody, weak, and anemic, but I have dissed any sort of medical help? For the record, my period lasts 5 days and two of those days are off limits for sex. WH knows this.)
Example B• BW’s clitoris was damaged after giving birth to our kids, therefore, BW hasn’t been able to orgasm for several years. Their conversation turns to her telling him to buy me a vibrator, because hardly a day passes that she doesn't orgasm with a BOB. WH claims BW just isn't interested in sex, so a BOB is not going to help. (My comments: Okay, first I am ticked that he is talking to another person about my clitoris and orgasms?!? Secondly, my clitoris remained unharmed during the births. In fact, I told him I am more sensitive down there after childbirth, so I don’t need as much foreplay. Thirdly, I haven't orgasmed in YEARS? Really? WH knows that is a lie. And the COW acting like the great sex expert and marriage counselor, nice. )
In every conversation, they talk about work, how great, hot, and/or successful they were that day, and me. I was the fuel for the A. It is like the drama triangle and he is the “victim” of our marriage, I am the “perpetrator” and she takes on the KISA role. The wronged husband role worked and both of them ganged-up to battle the “oppressive ILINIA”. COW offers to do ANYTHING he’s interested in () and even gives my poor little WS more marriage advice. The night after the PA, he told COW that “she helped him more than she would ever know.” (Maybe he will be nominated for an Oscar….)
My struggle is that he made me this crazy caricature, he portrayed himself as this pitiful “wronged husband”, he lied about me, and he made jokes about me, AND he let her make jokes about me. My IC says if they are lies, it shouldn’t bother me and it should be easier to let it go. Yes, the blatant lies bother me, but it bothers me more because HE WAS MY HUSBAND and he treated worse than anyone ever has. I trusted him and he threw me to the fire without any hesitation. He didn’t respect, honor, or protect me as a human being, much less his wife. I get he wasn’t at his best, but why couldn’t I have been left out of it?
For anyone else who was put in the center of the A how do you work through it? As always, 2x4’s welcome.
Married: 4 years (5 together)
DD-4 DD2 DstepS-5
DDay: sep 4 2012
6 month EA/PA
Dday #2: june 6 2014
EA/PA with COW older than WH
I want to hug you IRL. That is so, so hard. Honestly, there were so many betrayals on every level, but I have grasped onto the one mercy that he did not discuss me with OW. He compartmentalized me right out of existence.
Except for one time. He admitted he told OW a sexual fantasy of his that I had finally fulfilled after SEVEN YEARS of asking... because he was hoping that she would do the same. I was and am utterly humiliated. How much more cruel could he have been, than to actually hand me over to my enemy. After he told me that, I laid on the floor sobbing and writhing in pain for over an hour.
I don't think it matters one bit if the things your WH said were true or not. Your MC is wrong. It isn't about what OW thinks about you - it is about the knowledge of the depth of cruelty, selfishness and betrayal that the person you loved and trusted was capable of against you. Not only did he lie to you, but he lied about you. You were never out of his thoughts - he actually used you to get close to her.
I hope your WH understands the depth of the pain he has inflicted. You so did not deserve that.
It seems so blah to just keep saying "A brain"... but I think once some men give in to that place of depravity, they just go both feet in. My WH was like that. He went from an A to prostitutes, massage parlours and on-line dating. Like, what the hell, I already f**ked up, who cares any more? No boundaries, no morals, no line in the sand, no "maybe that's going too far". They already knew they had done the unforgivable - who or how or where or when or why were irrelevant after that. That proverbial line in the sand was already crossed, so my H just went for a frolic. Selfish, selfish, selfish. I didn't even know who he was - he horrified himself when he came out of it. I hope your WH is equally horrified. :(
It is like the drama triangle and he is the “victim” of our marriage, I am the “perpetrator” and she takes on the KISA role.
Absolutely!! I think that happens more times than not. I know my husband played a victim too. He was a victim in his own mind. He was so hard-done-by. Honestly, it was a crock of sh!t. He needed you to be in the middle of it, because without you they would have had nothing. You were needed to move it along.
I know that hurts.
I think the BS is often part of the affair, even if the WS doesn't realize it at that time. I realized this after the fact. I did a 180 on my husband when the affair was going on. I wasn't aware he was having an affair, I just thought he was a jerk. The more I pulled away, the less interesting AP became and the more attention he wanted from me. I was pretty important to the equation. I was needed to play a role I didn't even know I was cast in and when I wasn't going along with the script, that meant the story wasn't interesting anymore.
I realized my husband was emotionally immature. He was about on par with a teenage boy. He looked like a man, and acted very responsible, so people would have been very surprised. He had me fooled. He had himself fooled, but he lacked the maturity needed. He acted like he was acting out against a parent when he was suppose to be my partner.
What helped me was when I could see he was emotionally maturing after dday. He had what it took to make amends and grow up. But I had to come to terms with the fact that I married someone so emotionally immature. It all hurt. I was angry and resentful about it for a long time.
I was the stupid, lazy SAHW that just spent money and lived like a slug. My H told her some truths and more lies about our relationship to convince himself our marriage was horrible. The end affect was the OW gobbled up his neediness that he presented her and used it to snowball their special love.
I may have not been the center, but it was definitely the reluctant catalyst for their coupling. The OW used everything he told her, magnified it back to him and it kept rolling, so in a short time I was the worst wife known to man.
As far as sexual it was more a frequency discussion, but just that hurt like hell. There was probably more, he just will not admit it.
I hurt for you Ilinia. Your most inner place was violated. They abused you mercilessly in their shallow attempt to make themselves feel better about their actions. I hope he realizes what he has done in this respect.
Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
Regainingsanity - It is so hard to wrap my head around it. I married him because I felt loved and thought he would do anything to make sure we were protected, especially once we had a family. So post A it just seems to rewrite everything I thought and felt.
Scubadoo - I did have to smile at yours, so thanks! Some of the lies are so blatant, I cannot get how anyone can believe them, but I guess if you are that needy and desperate you will accept anything for justification.
Plainpain, Hopingtobehappy, Lovedyoumore, & Chinadoll - It is cruel and so hard to accept that he didn't have one ounce of compassion for me. During this week, I confronted him about his behavior and said "I want us to fight for our marriage, but if you don't want to fight, I am not afraid of divorce." He tells ME our marriage is worth it and he going to FIGHT for us. I actually believed him. That night he texts the COW and tells her I am now talking about us getting a divorce and that basically we are done. He twisted my words to further his agenda. I was just a pawn in this sick game. That is what he called it "a game" and I know he didn't feel anything towards her and he acknowledges she was the "first willing prop". He figured out the buttons to push so she could feel good about herself and she knew what buttons on his to push as well.
DixieD - I think we married the same manchild! We we talk about this in MC, I too was slotted in a "parent role" in WH's head. He acted-out and hid many things from me, sometimes irrelevant things just to feel like he had power. I think this is what bothers me as I just thought he was introverted, I would talk about us and it never seems like he was engaged and would blow me off. During the A, he would text things like "Not on iMessage, so need to limit our communication until I'm on wireless again." I felt like he was a frickin' teenage boy sneaking around trying to outwit his mom. I thought we were partners and teammates and we had each other's back!
Thanks SI for walking me through this. I am trying. I have days where I "get" how his issues compounded and I try to see it as a mental break, but still get caughtup with the way he used me. It seems so purposeful and calculated. He is in IC too and is working through his issues as me being a parent, entitlement and selfishness, and different resentments he had towards me, which again, I never knew. Also, I think I may change IC's, I would really love to find one that specializes in infidelity.
That counselor needs to recognize the depth of this wound. It sounds like they have made it out to be a schoolyard tiff when this it was emotional assassination perpetrated by your most trusted ally.
I may be wrong, just my 2 cents.
He even set up a fake email after OW told me about A pretending to be me and asking for her to send any future emails and pics to that email. He was pretending to be me and had the fake me say I was cheating and needed ammo for a bogus Divorce fake me was planning. His intent in his panic at being discovered was to have her send all the emails and pics to him instead of me. He had already deleted all his stuff.
I found this email in fWH real email trash. OW had forwarded to his real email in an effort to expose what the fake me was up to. Crazy stuff and my intuition woke me up and said check his email trash.
It was very difficult to get past the fact that he was conspiring with her against me even if it was all pretend to get rid of her. I don't like that I was used like this and that any of my personal info was disclosed
OW was M too and threw her BH under the bus describing very personal things and stories which I also now know.
[This message edited by whattheh at 5:12 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]
If your IC/MC's, WH would really realize and validate how this was deeply wounding to you, maybe you will be able to heal from this and move forward from this particular pile of shit in the affair.
For me, I was on the opposite spectrum. I wasn't spoken about. I. Did. Not. Exist. Oh, yeah, AP knew all about me, but in shmoopie land, there was no BS's.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
It's not about truth. My WS believed both times I was a hateful monster. Kept telling me after that they knew how much she loved me. Ugh. That only made her look good for loving such a horrible monster. It's sickening and sad. And it's difficult to get past. I'm sorry you had the same.
Unfortunately it extended to close friends who took sides and trashed me with her during our separation. Of course she cheated. I was so horrible. And she's so good because she hides her feelings and makes everyone comfortable. It's maddening. The truth ends up not mattering. A therapist should get that. That's the tough realization about all of this. Recognizing that our own truth was not only flawed, but that personal truths are easily manipulated and accepted by those you think care about you. You can't find solace in the truth when nobody sees it.