WARNING: Another long ILINIA post and probably TMI.
I am trying to overcome another topic in IC, but since I haven’t been successful, I am tossing out to SI to try and see it differently.
In IC, I was saying it seems like A have some sort of “hook” that the WS and AP latch onto in order to justify and continue the A. Some of the hooks are lurve, soul mates, KISA, the wronged or trapped spouse, etc. My husband admitted to our MC he played the “wronged husband” role which is confirmed with the chat logs, texts, and emails.
This is hard for me to get past because instead of compartmentalizing, he put me smack dab in the middle with false stories about me. It is one thing to generalize and say you have a boring or non-existent sex life, but in the chat logs WH makes me out to be dull, cold, deformed and sexually handicapped. COW “picks” on me in the chat logs and they both make jokes about me. For sake of length, I will only include two of the strange "tall tales" he told so you can get an idea:
Example A• BW has a permanent period. When COW said BW should see a doctor, he replied that BW has, but BW rejected any sort of medical intervention. COW comments about BW basically being an idiot. (My comments: A permanent period? Seriously? So not only am I bloody, weak, and anemic, but I have dissed any sort of medical help? For the record, my period lasts 5 days and two of those days are off limits for sex. WH knows this.)
Example B• BW’s clitoris was damaged after giving birth to our kids, therefore, BW hasn’t been able to orgasm for several years. Their conversation turns to her telling him to buy me a vibrator, because hardly a day passes that she doesn't orgasm with a BOB. WH claims BW just isn't interested in sex, so a BOB is not going to help. (My comments: Okay, first I am ticked that he is talking to another person about my clitoris and orgasms?!? Secondly, my clitoris remained unharmed during the births. In fact, I told him I am more sensitive down there after childbirth, so I don’t need as much foreplay. Thirdly, I haven't orgasmed in YEARS? Really? WH knows that is a lie. And the COW acting like the great sex expert and marriage counselor, nice.
)
In every conversation, they talk about work, how great, hot, and/or successful they were that day, and me. I was the fuel for the A. It is like the drama triangle and he is the “victim” of our marriage, I am the “perpetrator” and she takes on the KISA role. The wronged husband role worked and both of them ganged-up to battle the “oppressive ILINIA”. COW offers to do ANYTHING he’s interested in (
) and even gives my poor little WS more marriage advice. The night after the PA, he told COW that “she helped him more than she would ever know.” (Maybe he will be nominated for an Oscar….)
My struggle is that he made me this crazy caricature, he portrayed himself as this pitiful “wronged husband”, he lied about me, and he made jokes about me, AND he let her make jokes about me. My IC says if they are lies, it shouldn’t bother me and it should be easier to let it go. Yes, the blatant lies bother me, but it bothers me more because HE WAS MY HUSBAND and he treated worse than anyone ever has. I trusted him and he threw me to the fire without any hesitation. He didn’t respect, honor, or protect me as a human being, much less his wife. I get he wasn’t at his best, but why couldn’t I have been left out of it?
For anyone else who was put in the center of the A how do you work through it? As always, 2x4’s welcome.