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Newest Member: Itali614 (61544)

User Topic: Paranoia!!!
♂ 43856
Member # 43856
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out about my wife's affair with her boss 3 weeks ago, and confronted her with the evidence I had about ten days ago. She seemed sincerely remorseful, and has done everything I've asked her to do so far. I have her login info for her email, financials and cell phone. Although she offered to quit her job, we agreed that it would be best that she stayed for the time being as we work through MC (tomorrow will be our second session). She sent a NC letter of sorts to her Boss saying that there will be no texts or cell phone contact going forward. They work in separate states, so that was an agreement I could live with for the time being. She is also in IC.

Not that I'm happy now, or really in a better place mentally, but I suppose things are going about as well as could be in terms of moving toward R. But I just can't shake the constant feeling of paranoia. I constantly have in the back of my mind a feeling that things aren't what they seem. I'm not naive and know that if she was continuing her affair she could just set up a different email account, get a burner cell phone, and be more careful than she was when I caught her. I'm just sick of this constant feeling and wonder if it ever really goes away- even years down the road.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
♀ 42546
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you find yourself here. I'm only 6 months down the road from NC and am just getting to a place where i don't feel like that all of the time.

Me: 45 Him: 40 M May 1998
1DS 23(mine) 1 DD 15 ours
DD: 7/26/13, 9/16/13, 11/15/13, 1/5/14 ( 4 DDays over 5 months same OW - EA/PA lasting 13 months)
R until 11/20/15-kissed a friend. 11/28/15 TT 1/3/16 TT & more. Reconciling

Posts: 553 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ 43530
Member # 43530
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you. It WILL get better but it does take a long long time. The trust has to be rebuilt slowly. Yes, they can still setup separate email accounts, get burner phones etc. For me personally, I setup key logger software on our computer and got Dr. Wondershare to get historical and future deleted content from the iPhone. It made me feel much better when I could see things were matching up with what I was being told (and also has made it clear where/when we still have issues and given me a foundation for confronting B.S.)

Good luck to you.

When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

BW: 43 (me) WH: 42 (him)
DD-13, DS-11
DDay 1 = 1/13, DDay2 = 7/14 (False R), D 4/15

Posts: 1011 | Registered: May 2014 | From: SoCal
♀ 41362
Member # 41362
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you are here. I am 8 months out and it does get better. But, she has to be willing to do the work. I don't think about it 24/7 but do still have triggers, panic attacks, paranoia, etc. my FWH was great, he let me yell, cry, talk, ask questions, etc with no judgement or anger. He completely understood I needed to go through these feelings and would do whatever I needed. I called all times of day to ask questions or just vent and just needed reassurance. A few times I'd call and then hang up on him, he'd leave work and come home to help me through my "crazy" times. It's all part of the healing process.
About 6 months in, I realized I was giving OW too much power, I thought about her all the time. I finally just "let go" and said "f*** her". She wasn't giving me, my FHW or our life a second thought. She already had another AP (she is also married).
I chose to give our marriage a chance at R and felt I had to be all in for it to have a chance because I knew my FWH was working very hard. If we did end up D'ing, I wanted to be able to tell our children that we did try our best to keep our family together.
We are very good now, still have some "crazy moments" but I can honestly say I believe in us and our family. I love being with FWH, we have fun together, we do nice things for each other again, talk, cry and laugh. It's been a rough road but if you both do the work you too can R. good luck to you

Me: BS 45 yrs old
Him: WS 45 yrs old
Married 21 years
3 children, 18,16,12
D-Day 10/31/13
Length of affair: 4 months

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2013
♂ 55
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The loss of trust is why we have to snoop. We have to verify what we are being told. There is no way to trust someone who has caused so much shock and pain just like that.

After an affair, it is very hard to get that trust back.

If everything goes well, it will come back.

You can certainly forgive, but we never forget.

It does take time.

Posts: 7391 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: USA
♂ 41947
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Normally your situation with boss requires an immediate job change but I guess since they are in separate states it may be OK for a while. You will have to figure out how you are going to have to handle the times they are working together for meetings or something.

You most DEFINITELY not believe right away that things are so perfect. Her consistent behavior over time will help you believe things are really getting better.

Your wife changed your relationship FOREVER. You can R, but you will NOT forget. Yes she can easily set up another e mail account and you cannot stop that.
What you can do is make sure she understands and believes that there will be no marriage or R with three people in the marriage and that you will end it asap if she lies to you again.
Lastly, you need to make sure the Om spouse if there is one knows everything. She deserves that and if you have not done that you are mistaken. It is the best way to end this by possibly causing some havoc in his life so that he wants no part of her. If he is single, the go to the HR Department of the job and show them the evidence.
the more you do to be proactive instead of just sitting there hoping she is being truthful ,the sooner you will believe what is happening or know what is not.

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
♀ 39139
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For some people, infidelity is not something they can live with AND THAT'S OK.

The person you most trusted betrayed you. If you haven't yet, get checked for STIs, talk to an attorney about your legal position, and find a therapist who can help you through this. You've been hit by an emotional bus.

Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 978 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: BFE
♂ 43075
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From your post, it looks like he A was immediately terminated by WW on confrontation. Have you asked her the obvious question: why? All to often here we see stories of WS's beiing absolutely defiant. She's not. Or she's gone way underground. Does Boss,travel,to,the local,office? Are thrre evening company events or client meetings?

People,here say trust your gut. ,and they say it from hard experience.

I don't know if the A is over or not, of course, but you must maintain vigilance.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
♀ 43691
Member # 43691
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally can relate and feel the same way...I hope one day these feelings lessen.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2014
♀ 43280
Member # 43280
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand. I'm three months out and still paranoid all the time. I was looking at my husband's phone at 2 am last night. He has a lot of flexibility with his job and that worries me. I don't know when I'll ever feel safe again.

BW: 42 (me)
WH: 45 (him)
Married 20 years
3 kids
D-Day: 4/7/14, 11 month LTA
Together- trying to R

Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2014
♂ 8354
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since the boss being out of state didn‘t hinder them from having been in an affair then why should it hinder them from getting back into active infidelity?

Frankly and bluntly: I looked at your older posts. All the vets here have told you to expose but you seem to have a great fear for that. Plus now you prefer allowing your wife to carry on in the job…

Heck – as her boss then HIS accountability and loss is immensely more than your wife’s. Legally he can be in a shitload of trouble with all sorts of financial obligations if the company were to act on you possibly exposing the marriage to his wife.

You will feel paranoid and unsafe as long as your wife and the boss need to interact. It’s that plain and simple.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 7073 | Registered: Sep 2005
Topic Posts: 11

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