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The Seer

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EvolvingSoul posted 7/8/2014 21:36 PM

The Seer. He is a character in a John Steinbeck story. My favorite film, in fact, of all time. It is Cannery Row. Stars Deborah Winger and Nick Nolte. Tempestuous love affair between two broken people. However. The Seer is something quite apart.

In the story, Doc is a marine biologist living in the then defunct town of Monterey, California. (Post-sardine, pre-tourist). Doc used to be professional baseball player, a pitcher in fact, but quit the game after a bad pitch hit a fellow player in the head. Pretty much fucked him up for life. Both of them, in fact.

The Seer is the guy he hit. He also lives in Monterey, but doesn't really remember what happened to him. He was in a coma for a while, then an institution. Eventually Doc got the Seer released into his care and brought him to Monterey to live. He's a sort of not-quite-right guy that Doc works to secretly take care of. Provides him food and shelter without the Seer really knowing where it all comes from. Just that he's taken care of. And he seems at peace, the Seer. But he'll never really be what we'd call "normal", ever again.

We don't know any of this at the outset of the film. We figure it out over the course of the film, along with Doc's love interest Susie. She figures it out. And she tries to tell Doc it wasn't his fault. That "it was just a lousy goddammed accident". And Doc says he knows. But it'll always be his responsibility. Some debts you never can repay.

I'm feeling so like Doc today, except in my case it was no lousy goddammed accident. I wasn't looking to permanently fuck up BS's head when I decided to allow AP into our lives, but I sure as hell did through carelessness. Thoughtlessness. Selfishness. And now he's broken. My Seer. And he's not at peace. And it'll always be my responsibility. Some debts you never can repay.

918Mama posted 7/9/2014 00:29 AM

Ever see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

Sometimes I wish that was real. That there were parts of this life I could completely and totally forget. Being the Seer sounds nice.

For a minute.

But there's a change that's happened in who I am as a result of what I've experienced. There's a higher level of existence that I had never experienced pre-a. So while I wish none of it happened and I could erase it from my mind, my life is better now than it was then.

Yes. There are some debts that can never be paid. We all have them, to varying degrees. But we all have choice too. If your husband is miserable, he doesn't have to stay.

You made some awful choices. There are consequences. The trick is to never forget and use the knowledge to propel you forward into the life you are living now.

You know what's sad about the Seer story? It could have ended so different. If the main guy had just confessed what happened and how he felt about it, the feelings could have been dealt with. Instead, the Seer is left with this vague feeling that something is off and no understanding of why.

Talk to your BH about how you feel. Don't imprison yourself with this guilt forever.

somethingremorse posted 7/9/2014 08:33 AM

Ever see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

Sometimes I wish that was real. That there were parts of this life I could completely and totally forget.

I cannot tell you how many times I have had this exact thought.

badchoice posted 7/9/2014 09:32 AM

Some debts you never can repay.

I struggle with this every day. I wish I could take on BW's pain, and she could be free of it, but I cannot.

Joanh posted 7/9/2014 09:37 AM

Wow, you just put into words more descriptive than what I told my Bh this weekend,

That the gift of R I will never be able to repay.

He knows that I think this now, I have no way of ever giving back to him what he has given me. And it makes me wonder how selfish is that.

This movie is a great comparison.

numb&dumb posted 7/10/2014 08:53 AM

Some debts you never can repay.

I have had this same discussion with my W. It was something that we both had to come to understand and accept.

I told my W that just because it can never be repaid in full, don't use it as an excuse to not try.

I think that the effort in "trying," to do so despite the fact that it can never be completed goes a long way towards the acceptance of that idea for a BS. Acceptance is usually a path to forgiveness.

I am not looking for a flawless performance or even a pound of flesh. I just want to see the effort is consistently there. It makes it easier to convince myself that my W really does love me and would do almost anything to make this "right." The doubt is always going to be there and me being able to successfully "convince" myself of that fact is crucial to a successful R.

I've said this so often I fear being accused of repeating myself, but effort counts as much as effect.

No effort to me equates that my W does not see our M, and in turn me, worthy of effort that may be hard, uncomfortable or exhausting. One of the "changes" required by the WS is being able to get beyond any hang ups that prevent that effort. Fear of not being successful becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

It is better to aim for the stars and miss then to aim at nothing and hit it.

Joanh posted 7/10/2014 09:49 AM


That is so true, about the self full filling prophecy and as a WW I do have to be VERY aware of it. It was a contributing factor for my choices, so am learning to do the opposite, if that makes sense, or at least be aware of the voices telling me about my fails.

I know as a WW I will always carry this knowledge that the gift will never balance, at the same time, I realize that it isn't stopping me. It just allways gives me a moment of pause everyday.

I thank whomever is looking after my family is giving us both the strength to do what is needed, I know a lot comes from ourselves.

Thanks EvolvingSoul for bringing this topic forward, it is one I am sure many WS feel at some point if not allways.

pizzalover posted 7/10/2014 10:56 AM

Some debts you never can repay.

I struggle with this every day. I wish I could take on BW's pain, and she could be free of it, but I cannot.

^^I wish I could take away my BH's pain as well. It weighs so heavily on him. I deserve the pain, not him, for what I've done.

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