Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Is there a pattern here?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Breathing Heals posted 7/9/2014 00:21 AM

He is the WS and has so much unresolved anger towards me (has blamed this for his infidelities), does not want sex, has continued to watch porn (just found this out), seems to have signed up for dating services (I saw welcome emails in his email--he will deny that he solicited them), won't come to SI or read anything else to do with infidelity, tells ME he does not feel safe with me (I think this comes from childhood experiences) to the point where I cannot confront him about anything because he will not "feel safe". He promised no porn and this is the second time I have found he broke that promise--"didn't do it that many times", he doesn't "see anything wrong with porn" etc etc. And he is "sick and tired" of me not trusting him.

I don't think this guy really wants a marriage with me yet for some reason sticks. Some friends think he is more attached to me than it appears to me.

Other than these things, he is a gentleman towards me, very kind and considerate.

I don't trust him, still feel he is on the wayward side but don't know how to get to the truth.

918Mama posted 7/9/2014 00:36 AM answered your own question.

I think the better question is, are you willing to accept his behavior?

Jrazz posted 7/9/2014 00:37 AM

There's definitely a pattern. He's still lying and cheating, showing you NO remorse for what he is done, and is pretending that he is a gentleman so that you will stay.

He doesn't deserve the chance you are giving him. The pattern breaks when you listen to his actions - not his words.

(((Breathing Heals)))

Ostrich80 posted 7/9/2014 00:43 AM

Other than these things, he is a gentleman towards me, very kind and considerate.

So he's kind as long as you leave his extra curricular activities alone. He's nice as long as he gets his way and you don't mention his porn and NSA issues. I think the pattern is, when you have had enough and confront, maybe threaten, then he says he will be a good boy and as soon as you cool off, its business as usual.
What are his consequences for his actions? It sounds like he doesn't think your going to do anything about it. Have you read up on the 180? I know sometimes when they are being nice, you don't want to make waves, you just want to enjoy the happy times but eventually you will have to accept it or make a decision to enforce whatever consequences you decide on. Good luck to you. I'm sorry he's doing this, I know it sucks bad.

Breathing Heals posted 7/9/2014 00:49 AM

I am in a bad position financially and am letting this keep me trapped. He does not want to face that lying about the porn is HUGE because it is more lies. He feels a ton of shame about his behavior, blames me for him feeling shame about his sexuality...

Thank you for validating what I feel...that his patterns point to continued lying, which may involve cheating. He denies this, of course, but he has always denied things until faced with evidence he cannot deny.

Breathing Heals posted 7/9/2014 01:02 AM

Ostrich--Yeah, that is probably how it is. As long as I don't confront him he is nice and things are pretty. If I confront him, he explodes, gets emotional. I think he does have emotional issues that make it difficult for him to face himself--or he just does not really care about me and/or does not have any interest in doing the work to heal things or all of the above. He never was willing to do what I needed from him to heal around sex and it was not like I was asking for the moon--I just wanted it to be on my terms for a bit before engaging in a normal relationship. We went to a sex workshop but never showed any interest in exploring what we had experienced there. I think he does love me but also wants to be able to do whatever the hell he wants. I think I would be a fool to believe it stops at the porn. If he was willing to break that promise, what other promises has he broken. I have been avoiding dealing with this while I improved my ability to support myself and now it is hitting the fan again and not looking very pretty.

Breathing Heals posted 7/9/2014 01:24 AM

Where do I find info about the 180?

Thank you.

southsidecali posted 7/9/2014 01:42 AM

Honey, you need more than the 180- you need to divorce him and RUN far far away.

He sounds personality disordered, what is it going to take for you to focus on you instead of trying to fix him?

You are worth so much more, first and foremost- respect.

Learn to love yourself and get the hell away from him, you deserve better.

Breathing Heals posted 7/9/2014 02:10 AM

Thanks southside. A therapist we saw told me he was bipolar when I asked if he was schizophrenic. I had a boyfriend once who had me convinced that the problems in our relationship were all my fault, until I realized it was that he just did not want to or could not play with me. I am beginning to think my husband is a repeat of that situation. He cannot deal with my feelings, goes into shame, anger, whatever.

I have gotten away a few times recently to visit friends and relatives without him and it has been so nice to be away from the complexities, though I also did miss him. I know I need to resolve this to get on with my life.

Sometimes I get paranoid and wonder about the motivations for the nice things he does for me that make me feel like he does love me.

When I was angrier with him it was easier to think about leaving. Now, I feel more love for him for some reason and it is making it harder. I find mysel sympathizing with his emotional struggles and looking at how I could help. I know that is crazy and that I need to take care of myself first and am working on that too.


OnAnIsland posted 7/9/2014 02:12 AM

He doesn't deserve the chance you are giving him. The pattern breaks when you listen to his actions - not his words.

there is a pattern. you see it too. Will you continue to live with it? You don't need to leave right now if you are not ready.

But why not visit a lawyer and find out how things would really be if you divorce. And start working on a plan. I hear that you are financially trapped. But get the facts from a lawyer- through a free initial consultation hopefully. And what can you do to start to disentangle yourself? to free yourself?

thinking of you.

Breathing Heals posted 7/9/2014 02:17 AM

Jrazz--I am focusing on what you are saying--he is still lying and cheaters lie. He will ask me, though, how he can prove that he is not lying, how he can prove that he is not cheating. I have always told him that he could start by helping me heal sexually and he never has done that. That to me would have been such an expression of his love and concern. He says he was too ashamed to do it--that has long been his reason for not wanting to have sex. We did a little hysterical bonding at the beginning, but when I needed more, he would not do it and our therapist at the time agreed with him, that it would have been 'imbalanced' to focus on MY needs for a bit--the person who had been deprived and ignored vs the one who had been having the time of their lives. Go figure. What was wrong with that therapist??? (I have often wondered if he was a cheater, too.) I am rambling, but it feels cathartic.

Breathing Heals posted 7/9/2014 02:21 AM

Island--Thanks for your thoughts. I did see a lawyer a few years ago (WS was very upset when I told him.) I had someone in my back pocket who went a little crazy himself and just have not had it in me to go through the search again, but should do so. It is a complexity of really feeling like he does love me but that he cannot shake his demons or does not want to do the work necessary. He says he feels helpless to make things better between us. I told him to come here. He has not ever done so and despite my renewed push, I am not confident that he will.

Breathing Heals posted 7/9/2014 02:24 AM

Island--On the financial side, I have been working hard on a new business and do have a marketable skill that can at least help some, though I have never been able to get it to a fulltime level (hence the new business that is taking a long time to get going). I also have been helping him with his work, unpaid of course /-:

soccermom9 posted 7/9/2014 12:54 PM

It sounds like its time to cut and run!

Breathing Heals posted 7/9/2014 13:38 PM

I read about what the WS needs in talking things through (if that is going to be possible in my situation) and I see that there is one thing I have not done which, if anything he is saying about his response to me is true, could possibly make a difference: NOT reacting to what he might tell me IF he can tell me the truth. I see that he would need that to be safe.

So this AM I asked him if he was interested in working on things and if he was that I thought it would require safe space and he should tell me what that would look like for him. I told him that I would commit to not being reactive to anything he would tell me. I told him he did not have to answer in that moment but to think about it. He wanted me to understand the other day that he is very sensitive to reactivity too (as am I, as is anyone probably). I have done my share of yelling at him though not in the last two years for sure, maybe more.

I told him I felt that we needed to work through this or he was asking me to make the choice of accepting him the way he is or leave.

Meanwhile, I am going crazy with business planning for my two lines of work (one current, the other that I have been working on for too long--now is the time to make it happen!).

He is an amazing person, if he WANTS to do this he can. He says he feels helpless, I told him to come here and that people would help him figure it out, that he is a smart guy and can figure it out.

Thank you to everyone for your support. Trickle truth--that I have to FIGHT HARD to get--is not going to work anymore.

Tickingtock posted 7/9/2014 17:45 PM

He is an amazing person, if he WANTS to do this he can. He says he feels helpless, I told him to come here and that people would help him figure it out, that he is a smart guy and can figure it out.

It's been 4 years. You have your answer and you know what your solution is.

Breathing Heals posted 7/9/2014 21:10 PM

Everyone may be right, probably is right--it is unanimous that there is no hope. Embarrassingly, there is one thing I have not tried, which I did this morning. I told him that it comes down to doing the work or I will be in a situation where I either accept him as he is or leave. I never told him that before. I was so afraid of the economic consequences. Not pretty to admit that, but there it is. However, it has started to affect my health and that is a line for me. A reader I spoke with a few years ago told me that he might not wake up until I was walking out the door and I have always sensed that was probably true. Still, I chose the safe route to try everything else first. So now it is shifted and we are going to talk this weekend. I had told him a couple of days ago we needed to talk and he wanted to put it off to Wednesday. I agreed and now it is this weekend, but when I asked him it this was a promise, he said yes (maybe not that word exactly--I will confirm again his intention) and said he just wasn't ready yet, which I can see. Tonight we actually had a nice time which is not our norm (not from fighting, just from tension).

I will keep all posted. Thanks for support.

Worked like mad on business today and was very productive, seeing a whole vision for how to promote my company which is very exciting for me.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.