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my H had 9 month A

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mdiane posted 7/9/2014 00:27 AM

Im so devastated. On Dec 29 2012 I found an email from a female to my H. He down played it n immediately deleted account. He claimed they were friends n nothing more. He gave me all her info. She was a cw of his. I confronted her n person n she gave me exact same version of friends n nothing more. All of 2013 I felt uneasy but believed my H. He said he moved department n never seem her again. Fast forward to Feb 2014. I hear from a friend that now works with my H, that the "friend" was working nights for the last year but recently came back to days n to my H department. I contact her n call her bluff n say my H told me everything. She finally admits that in march 2012 they started having a sexual A by meeting 15 min before their shift at 5:45 am twice a month for 9 months for sex. She said she they either had sex or she gave him oral or hand jobs. She us 9 years younger n lives with her bf/father of her 2 young children. She then claimed it was all sexual they both did. Thy knew little about one another. However she does claim that she told him a few times that she was starting to care bout him n he said the same. My H denies ever caring he claims it was jus words. The OW stated that after I found email in 2012 my H begged her to lie n deny any sexual contact so she did to protect him n her own family. She further stated that after she lied to me in 2012 she sincerely thought they would at least remain friends but was shocked when my H no longer acknowledged her even after she lied to me for him. Then the OW claims that in 2014 when she returned to his shift they said hello twice n spoke for a few seconds. She claims she would have never done anything with him again, which I don't believe, n my H claims saying hello was completely innocent. He stands by his claim that he never ever again had the urge to speak or have sex with her again n that it was all sexual pleasure n nothing emotional (which still hurts the same). In 2012 when their A started our third child was 5 months. Sex was last on my mind I felt alone n stressed out n exhausted. I would literally pick fights to avoid sex and would often tell him tht i felt like tht is all he wanted and for him not to ask me anymore ut yet I longed for his attention so it was a difficult year. So to find out he was with her n they were working with one another meeting up for sex jus kills me. I feel so inadequate n insecure. He broke our vows n gave this woman into our marriage. I have told her bf n both her n her bf are disgusting. He claims he is forgiving her since he cheated on her in 2011. She has no conscious she lied to my face to protect a man who was using her. I have been so depressed n I have never experienced depression. I don't trust a soul and I lost all faith n love as well as sisterhood. I'm lost n confused.. Where do I go?? We r in MC n IC but why should i forgive? I don't even think I can. I'm angry n hurt n cry daily. I don't evn recognize myself I lost 13 pounds n don't have an appetite. Jus the thought of them two kills me.... Help..

32 H 33
Married 8 years lived together 15 yrs dated 18
3 children- 12, 11, 3.

Jrazz posted 7/9/2014 00:34 AM

Welcome to SI, mdiane. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, but you've come to a great place for support. It's going to be hard as hell, but you are going to come out stronger and wiser, I promise.

Right now, with the pain so raw, you need to take care of yourself. I know that everything is hard right now, but just concentrate on resting, drinking water, and eating anything that sounds remotely appetizing.

Read through our Healing Library for tips on how to decide whether you want to reconcile or whether you need some space right now. Remember that you don't have to make any big decisions at this moment. Your mind and body are going to be in a panic for a while - but we have all been there and we stuck around here to help people through it.

Sending you big hugs and strength. We're here for you.

OakStreet posted 7/9/2014 07:24 AM

Just want to echo Jrazz.

You are in for a bumpy ride and will go through conflicting feelings about your WH in the coming days, weeks, months...

But the Healing Library and the advice you will get in this forum will be very helpful. So will IC an MC.

Sending you strength....

norabird posted 7/9/2014 14:53 PM

Hugs to you sweetie. There is no need to make any big decisions yet. Nor are you obligated to forgive him if this turns out to be a dealbreaker. For now, focus on taking care of yourself. Does your WH seem remorseful? It's great you are getting MC and IC...ask him to read the book "how to help your spouse heal from your affair", and know that this pain will not last forever.

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