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I need a clue.

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harry&george posted 7/9/2014 05:20 AM

I don't know why I'm posting this maybe just to get it off my chest.

I went out last weekend, met my sister, BIL and a couple of his friends for a drink. I really hit it off with one of them and we talked about going out sometime. I ended up going home with him, we had fun but now I feel so ashamed of myself. I have never had a one night stand before (we are texting each other and still might go out)and I have only been with 2 people so have little clue about men and relationships.

This is not me, not something I would ever imagine I could and I am making myself sick about what I did.

He is single, so am I so why do I feel so guilty?

SBB posted 7/9/2014 06:24 AM

I'd examine what specifically is making you feel shame.

Sex is sacred and all that but I think most people have had a WOAAAHH night where they've acted out of character.

Were you off your face drunk?

What specifically are you ashamed of? That you slept with someone in your circle on the first night? That people will think you're THAT person? That the guy will think that?

Having one ONS doesn't make you 'that' person if that is what you are worried about. He slept with you on the first night too so he can't judge you.

I've had lots of ONS and there are only a handful in my 20s that make me cringe when I think about them - the common denominator being I was off my tits drunk and making terrible decisions. I haven't done that in a very very long time because it did make me feel like shit about myself.

But the ones where I decided I just wanted to sleep with them didn't and still don't cause me shame.

Did anything happen that you weren't comfortable with? That can cause shame too.

Do you have any positive feelings about the experience or none at all? If you did I'd try to focus on that.

This one night doesn't define you. It isn't who you are and you're not keen to go down that path again. Take it as a lesson learned.

If it makes you feel awful you will find you won't go there again. I'd work out what specifically you're ashamed of then challenge the thought to make sure you're not mind-reading or placing your own self-worth in what others 'think' of you.

If it's because you still feel married then you remind yourself that you are not. That doesn't mean you need to go down the ONS path again but it does mean that perhaps you aren't ready for any of this just yet.

I can't help if your shame is due to religious beliefs as I can't relate. If that is the case then perhaps you could talk to someone within your faith who can help walk you through this.

Whatever the reasons you wouldn't be the first and you won't be the last to do it and feel this way.

None of us feel comfortable when we step over our own boundaries. Sometimes it is a case of reinforcing them - other times it is a case of modifying or updating them.

As with most things some of us need to try before we realise it isn't for us. It sounds like this isn't something you're going to repeat anytime soon.

Be gentle with yourself - you are both single. This one blip doesn't change who you are and what you stand for. Shame is kind of a waste of energy unless you can get something constructive out of it.

Live and learn.

sparkysable posted 7/9/2014 08:05 AM

Drinking and then going home with someone always has the same end result. If you don't want to do such things, avoid such circumstances.

I know myself, and I would be torn up if I ever had a ONS. Some people can do it. I can't. It's not the best way to start a relationship.

norabird posted 7/9/2014 10:09 AM

Please don't feel bad about this. No one got hurt, you had fun; no one is judging you for it. (If they are, well, FTN!). If you decide it's not for you, look at is as a learning experience. But don't think you have failed. As long as it felt right, and you were true to what you wanted, then there is nothing to be ashamed of. And if it turns out that it keeps you and this guy from becoming more serious, well, that's his loss and he wasn't right for you anyway.

Maybe you are just struggling because you were married for so long that you still don't feel you have 'permission' to be with someone else?

Pass posted 7/9/2014 11:52 AM

I have two ways of looking at sex:

1. There's the lovely, serious relationship stuff that brings you closer and really means something.

2. Then there's the stuff that's just for fun.

And let's face it, sex is fun. It doesn't always have to mean something. It's not always "giving a piece of yourself" or "investing in a relationship". If you didn't try to pull him into sex with a bunch of promises of love and commitment - and it doesn't sound like you would do that - then you did nothing wrong.

You went out, had some drinks, had a fun little romp. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Do you think he is feeling any shame? Women are allowed to enjoy sex too - despite everything a lot of them were taught as teens.

fireproof posted 7/9/2014 15:14 PM

As awful as this sounds what is done is done.

Either you are ok and keep on the path or you just think of it like a wake up call to be stronger in your internal boundaries.

Don't look back just forward. Even if you end up
dating this guy you can always explain although that happened you prefer to spend some time getting to know him and prefer to wait next time.

If you do or don't we have been through too much - be kind to yourself and the real choice will come through.

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/9/2014 15:23 PM

Be kind to yourself! You had fun, right? You're single and so is he. A ONS can be a nice way to pass the evening if it's something you want to do. If you're hoping for a relationship or something, maybe think about what exactly YOU want.

For me, casual partners are right for right now. I'm busy and it's nice to have a couple of numbers for when I get a free Friday or Saturday night.

harry&george posted 7/10/2014 06:42 AM

Thank you all for your replies.

My little meltdown happened to coincide with my kids being away on holidays with their father for 10 days, they got home this morning and funnily enough all is right in my world again and my head is now screwed back on.

What I did was out of character, but not wrong. In fact I had a great night. If something happens with this guy great, if not that's ok too!

Thanks again, everyone's advice is invaluable.

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