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Newest Member: Gerbilnick (61799)

User Topic: One week today...
Member # 44038
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is one week since Dday #2 and only day 3 since I discovered it. We attend our first MC this morning and to say I'm anxious and scared would be an understatement. He has agreed to NC unless it's work related (they're co workers, was a friendship for over a year before they had drunken sex last week). He seems remorseful, said he would attend MC and do whatever it takes to fix this. I think he sees the hurt in my eyes and the pain he's caused but I don't know if he truly understands. In a sadistic way, I want him to feel every ounce of my pain. I want him to know what he's taken away from me and our family. We've been sleeping in separate rooms until his STD results come back. He is going today to get the lab work done. He knows if it's positive, I'm gone. I guess I don't really have a point or question in this thread but just wanted to get this out and for someone to hear me. I just want it all to end and feel better. I want my husband back and my marriage. I still love him with my whole heart

[This message edited by whymewhyus at 7:25 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]

Me, BS, 30
Him, WS, 32
Married 5 yrs, together since '98. Yep, JR high sweethearts.
1 DD, 12
1st DDay 2/?/2010 EA/PA with coworker. Lasted about 4 mos.
2nd DDay 7/6/2014 EA/PA diff coworker- was going on for few mos. Unsure if it still is.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United States
♀ 25895
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hon, I am sorry, but this is the second affair that you know of and one attempted affair. Your husband needs counseling. At this point, you are just wasting your time and money with MC. I only see you getting hurt from MC.

The reason he continues to have affairs is that he has an issue that he is not dealing with. He is shifting the blame to you and you are nailing yourself to the cross. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Please stop blaming yourself and start putting the blame on your husband who treats the office like a singles bar.

Look into the healing library for the 180; this will help you take the focus away from him and start thinking about yourself. Read up on some posts from those of us that have walked in your shoes. Healing takes a long time, 2-5 years and it is a bumpy, ugly ride even with a spouse who is remorseful. Your husband is not remorseful, he is upset that he got caught. There is a difference. He needs to be looking for a new job or perhaps a transfer to a another department. He must get away from the OW. If not, every day that he goes to work will hurt you all over again. It is no way to live...

"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 498 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
♀ 43949
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree and disagree with the comment above. I don't ever thing MC is a waste of time. I think anything that can possibly help is worth the effort. Even if it only helps you individually. Whether or not your marriage can be saved....I don't know. I agree 100% that something is broken in your WH. I've dealt with this (pretty much unknowingly) for 30 years. Remorseful means he can't stand to see you hurt, will hold you and listen to you, answers all of your questions without defensiveness and is on his KNEES to help you get through this. Understands he will NEVER do this to you or himself ever again. I really hope he can be remorseful, but if he can't, you matter! You didn't cause this, you didn't play a role in this and YOU can't fix HIM no matter how hard you try. Do everything that helps you to heal and let him work on him. If he does, then you can work on the M.
Wishing you peace and love!

BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious

Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It takes a long time for the hurt to heal, stay or go. But it WILL heal. This overwhelming pain is not here forever. Take comfort in knowing that.

I hope he will stay and do the work to heal your M. Have you ordered the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass or "How to heal your spouse from your affair"?

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ 39139
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a little cranky today, but I will try to type this as gently as're saying the only way you will leave the man who cheated on you at LEAST twice and who continues to work with the affair partner is if he has an STD?!? Just because you love someone doesn't mean that he deserves your trust.

Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 978 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: BFE
♀ 43909
Member # 43909
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Hugs)) it must be devastating to go through this a second time. I am curious as to why you will only leave if the STD testing is positive? Does that make his affair more hurtful or punishable to you? If so, why is that?

Me: BGF (41)
Him: WBF (a much older Peter Pan)
In 2014 was informed by a new acquaintance that WBF had a second, secret life in another city with an old flame.

Posts: 148 | Registered: Jun 2014
Topic Posts: 6

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