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limbohurts posted 7/9/2014 07:46 AM

Just wondering if there are any stories of reconciliation after wayward left you for OP? My WH Is waffling. He did not move in with her after I threw him out, but he is torn who to choose. I am working the 180 and each day that he doesn't make a choice gets harder. I know R W will be that much more difficult the longer he sits on the fence.
Can anyone relate?

devasted30 posted 7/9/2014 08:25 AM

My story is different from yours. My WS came home one day and just told me he didn't want to be married any longer. He just wanted to live on his own. I was stunned. I thought our marriage was okay. Not great but not horrible either. It took me almost 3 weeks before I discovered there was another woman and he was living with her. 11 weeks later, he sent me an email telling me he still loved me and wanted to return to me. I took him back. He came home and we are trying to R. It is hard, especially since he continued to lie for another 8 months regarding all the facts. In fact, I still probably have not got it all but he will not admit to anything more and I cannot prove anymore either. It's all just info that the OW told me so who knows what is true and what is not. The one thing that my WS knows for sure is that I am who he wants. He was selfish and reckless for over 7 years and is trying in his own way. Is it good enough? Only time will tell. A lot of this depends on us too. Can we accept what they did? Can we live with it? I am trying and that is the best I can do right now.

limbohurts posted 7/9/2014 08:33 AM

Devasted30'
What did you do during the time he was moved out? Did you cut contact or 180?

seethelight posted 7/9/2014 08:49 AM

Limbohurts:

The 180 is for you. A way for you to individuate and get your self esteem back.

It is my understanding that it should not be used as a manipulative maneuver hoping to get the wayward back.

With that said, I have heard of many people who have reconciled after the person moved in with the AP.

It is much harder, but it happens.

Also, some people have divorced their wayward and then a few years later remarried.

I think that sometimes living with the affair partner may be a good lesson for the wayward.

All of a sudden they are living a reality with the affair partner rather than the fantasy.

My wayward husband said that once he saw the real personality of the affair partner the thought of having sex with that person made him feel ill, and he can't believe how he was ever physically attracted to her from the getgo.

My husbands affair partner was a serial cheater, and once my husband woke up and saw how mean and disrespectful she was to her own husband, he actually began to feel sorry for the husband, and was grateful he was not her husband.

sparkysable posted 7/9/2014 08:56 AM

The day that someone has to decide between me and another woman is the day I make that decision for them.

Don't do the "pick me" dance. You are better than that. You deserve much more respect than to be someone's backup plan.

shiloe posted 7/9/2014 09:10 AM

He did not move in with her after I threw him out, but he is torn who to choose

Just because he didn't move in with her doesn't mean crap.

They are probably worried about appearances and people talking if they did.

He is torn who to choose?

Did he actually tell you that?

Please don't do the "pick me dance", BTDT, it is soul killing and humiliating.

Go dark on him, only talk kids and finances, it will save you a lot of heartache in the long run.

I am sorry.

Regainingsanity posted 7/9/2014 09:47 AM

Dear limbo hurts,

I can relate to you although my situation way just slightly different. I left my husband in 12-19-2013 because of the emotional abuse I was dealing with in front of my children every other day. It was so hard and painful that I ran away to my mom's 10 hrs away. I begged and cried for MC since I myself was already in IC but we need MC. He told me he rather D than we get a complete stranger involved in our marriage( ha he has cheated on me with a complete stranger :Z ) I told him I was going to leave if he didn't make a change or go to MC, I gave him about a month and I ultimately left. When I left he started changing, going to church, reading the bible, sending gifts, wrote me letters, called everyday and did everything right. For about 2 months he did this and I was unsure if it was a real change. So i had to wait just a little longer. I started seeing him call less or not at all, not sending anything, stopped writing letters, and was not available on weekends. Turns out my WH got tired of pursuing me with no response and he moved on to his COW telling her a sob story about me leaving him before Xmas and him being alone on new years. When I saw this change and suspected of his change of heart I drove back and moved back with him. He was mean, cold and asked me along with my DD-4 and DD-2 to leave. I didn't and after a few weeks he was not sure who to choose because he had brainwashed himself of me being a terrible wife. When he started seeing his daughters and me bring happiness and light into his dark world of adultery he couldn't stand to look at all the wrong decisions he had taken. So he justified his A and continued to see his COW, WH told me he didn't know what he wanted and that he was unsure who to choose. I cried from the pain I felt when he told me he didn't know whether to choose this OP or me. it took a couple weeks and Im still here with him. The OW moved due to work, and I'm hoping there is not another woman coming into our marriage any time soon :(

It feels horrible I know. Just know that your true value had nothing to do with your WH decision. A lot of men don't "fall-in-love" they "fall-in-f**k" they think they love that person once the A becomes a PA. A lot of WS feel love with their genitals other than their heart and reason, or just can't remember the "for better or for worse" and "till death do us part" unconditional love. Stick to your vows and if he chooses her then know that you gave it your all, that you fought until the end.
This has nothing to do with being desperate or not giving myself my real value nor having low self-esteem. It also doesn't mean thinking I can't find another man, it has nothing to do with being stupid or letting him walk all over me. It means believing that anything is possible with faith in God. If you feel you're compromising too much or your pride is hard to give up then remember Jesus, he gave it all and then some.

Me: 26
Him: 30
Married: 4 years (together 5)
DD-4 DD-2 DstepS- 6
DDay: September 4 2012
6 month PA & EA with OW
Dday #2: June 6 2014
hoping for R but D is looking at me

seethelight posted 7/9/2014 09:56 AM

Limbohurts:

IMO, if you separate or divorce, and then you find your way back to each other, it is simply a rediscovery of each other.

While separated be sure to work on yourself, your own growth and your own interests.

Still, if you feel that rediscovering each other is too humiliating, by all means don't do it.

But on the other hand, if you feel your spouse has changed and you want to rediscover each other, don't feel ashamed of that either.

The way I see it is you can show your spouse tht this is the new me. Take it or leave it.

devasted30 posted 7/9/2014 22:22 PM

limbohurts - I am not a good role model. I cried and begged for my WS to come home. I even threatened suicide. All to no avail. I was desperate and just existed for several weeks. I worked on doing things in the house but spent most of my time crying and losing weight. I was a mess. Then finally, I just knew he was gone and it was over. I stopped begging. A couple of days before Christmas, after a lot of emails and bitter conversations, I sent him an email reminding him that I loved him. That was it. We didn't correspond until Dec. 29th, when my WS sent me the email telling me he still loved me. In my case, the more I begged him to come home, the more he felt like he was where he was suppose to be. If I had just let him go, I don't know what would have happened. He says that all he did was miss me. And worry about me. But the OW kept on telling him that I would be okay and I was reacting normally. That time would show me that he was serious and I would eventually be happy again. Who knows, maybe I would have been. I had finally realized that I was now alone and would have to start living my life without him. I lost 25 lbs in 11 weeks. But, I did survive. Reconciliation is very difficult. My WS is very sorry and remorseful. He is doing so many things to try to help me heal. I am just not sure that I can. I am not sure that I will ever be really happy again. Time has helped. The bad times do not come as often or stay as long and the pain is not as severe as it was. But, I feel like a part of me, a huge part of me died during those 11 weeks. Everything I believed in; everything I trusted in; everything I thought was, wasn't. Acceptance is the hardest thing about infidelity. I still can't believe the man I trusted with my life did this to me. Did this to us.

BrokenheartedUK posted 7/10/2014 02:37 AM

The day that someone has to decide between me and another woman is the day I make that decision for them.

This. I know the 180 is hard but you need to stick with it. Also, are you in IC? You should get some support for yourself. I understand the fear, I totally do but you need to consider what you really want--whether YOU can be happy in this marriage again.

eachdayisvictory posted 7/10/2014 06:37 AM

My partner didn't leave for the OP, but he planned on it. I begged him not to go that night, knew that once that happened, things would be that much harder to figure out/repair.

The thing is, forgive yourself. Do what YOU need to do - nothing is permanent, you have the complete right to change your mind later on. You need to do whatever YOU need to do to feel satisfied with your decisions and efforts. If you WANT to try to reconcile after your WS left for the OP, then try. Just try to work on yourself, get into therapy, be honest, and do things that reward yourself outside of the relationship (massages, coffee dates with good friends, yoga, whatever gives you some peace).

For me, I had to say out loud a lot in those early days; "I will not feel like this forever." I had to say it often and repeatedly.

Also, it takes a long, long time for a WS to come to terms with the truth of what they have done, and that changes things so much. I think it took 3-4 months for the man I knew to even BEGIN to return to my husband's body and to our marriage. So I think there is a lot of value in giving time to trying - measurement of years being reasonable.

It was horrible. I lost 80 pounds in the first year. I barely snuck by at work with the bare minimum and got an ulcer and lots of other health issues. Surviving infidelity is the toughest trial I have faced in my life thus far. Harder than childhood sexual abuse, the loss of my father as a teenager, and post-partum depression. They pale in comparison to the challenges I faced in that first year after discovery.

So, whatever you are feeling, you are doing great. You are beautiful, valuable, and an amazing partner for even considering reconciliation, so please take pride in that.

wanttogoforward posted 7/10/2014 10:39 AM

I did... tho my case is unique- I had no idea that there really was an OW.. I knew he was communicating with a 'friend' but was young and naive and really didn't know..... He left me for her.... a girl he barely knew and once he slept with her actually wanted a relationship with her and we had a 180 (forced) for about a month. Then he realized that it was not going to work and begged to come back to me.... and I took him not knowing what had happened in between (young and stupid I guess).... We married and had kids... then he told me the truth because I'd always felt there was more to the story and we were fighting that day when he finally fessed up.... two kids later .... anyway.....
Years later he walked out again and I have always suspected another OW- just from the things I could figure out..... but again he came back after about 2 weeks and wanted to work things out. I could not prove anything about this OW other than a name and a major suspicion- he was very tight lipped. He did get fired from the job where the OW was accused of sexual harassment of her- so I guess he was probably having another A.
And the last time was an EA..... so painful and devastating to me that I will likely never recover 100%- however, I have moved forward and our marriage is good. I have trust issues thinking he will never be completely honest even though he swears up and down he is.... I guess I just move forward with the thought that if he does this again then I am gone.... I have given a lot of chances and there are none left....

I guess my point is that you can put it back together if the two of you are willing and ready for a long period of work on both parts. I wish you lots of luck in the decision about what is best for you.

limbohurts posted 9/15/2014 09:01 AM

Just wondering if anyone else out there reconciled after WS left and divorce underway.

We are divorcing, but I still have a tiny shred of hope for us.

devasted30 posted 9/15/2014 12:13 PM

Is WS living with OW?

limbohurts posted 9/15/2014 13:31 PM

No, they are not living together, but we are living apart. Theirs is a long distance LTA.

Wodnships posted 9/15/2014 15:01 PM

On D-day my wife was very confused, didn't know what she wanted, yada-yada-yada.

The next day I gave her an opportunity, she could have stayed in our house, we could go to consoling and try to reconcile, but she could never speak to her AP ever again. Period end of story. No time to work it out, and I wasn't going to be played with.

For me if we separated and she came back I'd always wonder if she was coming back because the AP didn't want her any more. I'd always feel like a back up plan. I'm too good to be anyone's back up plan.

I'm not trying to tell you what you should do, but most WS will keep both people on the line for as long as they can. You have the power to end it and there is no hope of R as long as the AP is still in his life.