The 180 is for you. A way for you to individuate and get your self esteem back.
It is my understanding that it should not be used as a manipulative maneuver hoping to get the wayward back.
With that said, I have heard of many people who have reconciled after the person moved in with the AP.
It is much harder, but it happens.
Also, some people have divorced their wayward and then a few years later remarried.
I think that sometimes living with the affair partner may be a good lesson for the wayward.
All of a sudden they are living a reality with the affair partner rather than the fantasy.
My wayward husband said that once he saw the real personality of the affair partner the thought of having sex with that person made him feel ill, and he can't believe how he was ever physically attracted to her from the getgo.
My husbands affair partner was a serial cheater, and once my husband woke up and saw how mean and disrespectful she was to her own husband, he actually began to feel sorry for the husband, and was grateful he was not her husband.
Don't do the "pick me" dance. You are better than that. You deserve much more respect than to be someone's backup plan.
He did not move in with her after I threw him out, but he is torn who to choose
Just because he didn't move in with her doesn't mean crap.
They are probably worried about appearances and people talking if they did.
He is torn who to choose?
Did he actually tell you that?
Please don't do the "pick me dance", BTDT, it is soul killing and humiliating.
Go dark on him, only talk kids and finances, it will save you a lot of heartache in the long run.
I am sorry.
I can relate to you although my situation way just slightly different. I left my husband in 12-19-2013 because of the emotional abuse I was dealing with in front of my children every other day. It was so hard and painful that I ran away to my mom's 10 hrs away. I begged and cried for MC since I myself was already in IC but we need MC. He told me he rather D than we get a complete stranger involved in our marriage( ha he has cheated on me with a complete stranger :Z ) I told him I was going to leave if he didn't make a change or go to MC, I gave him about a month and I ultimately left. When I left he started changing, going to church, reading the bible, sending gifts, wrote me letters, called everyday and did everything right. For about 2 months he did this and I was unsure if it was a real change. So i had to wait just a little longer. I started seeing him call less or not at all, not sending anything, stopped writing letters, and was not available on weekends. Turns out my WH got tired of pursuing me with no response and he moved on to his COW telling her a sob story about me leaving him before Xmas and him being alone on new years. When I saw this change and suspected of his change of heart I drove back and moved back with him. He was mean, cold and asked me along with my DD-4 and DD-2 to leave. I didn't and after a few weeks he was not sure who to choose because he had brainwashed himself of me being a terrible wife. When he started seeing his daughters and me bring happiness and light into his dark world of adultery he couldn't stand to look at all the wrong decisions he had taken. So he justified his A and continued to see his COW, WH told me he didn't know what he wanted and that he was unsure who to choose. I cried from the pain I felt when he told me he didn't know whether to choose this OP or me. it took a couple weeks and Im still here with him. The OW moved due to work, and I'm hoping there is not another woman coming into our marriage any time soon :(
It feels horrible I know. Just know that your true value had nothing to do with your WH decision. A lot of men don't "fall-in-love" they "fall-in-f**k" they think they love that person once the A becomes a PA. A lot of WS feel love with their genitals other than their heart and reason, or just can't remember the "for better or for worse" and "till death do us part" unconditional love. Stick to your vows and if he chooses her then know that you gave it your all, that you fought until the end.
This has nothing to do with being desperate or not giving myself my real value nor having low self-esteem. It also doesn't mean thinking I can't find another man, it has nothing to do with being stupid or letting him walk all over me. It means believing that anything is possible with faith in God. If you feel you're compromising too much or your pride is hard to give up then remember Jesus, he gave it all and then some.
Married: 4 years (together 5)
DD-4 DD-2 DstepS- 6
DDay: September 4 2012
6 month PA & EA with OW
Dday #2: June 6 2014
hoping for R but D is looking at me
IMO, if you separate or divorce, and then you find your way back to each other, it is simply a rediscovery of each other.
While separated be sure to work on yourself, your own growth and your own interests.
Still, if you feel that rediscovering each other is too humiliating, by all means don't do it.
But on the other hand, if you feel your spouse has changed and you want to rediscover each other, don't feel ashamed of that either.
The way I see it is you can show your spouse tht this is the new me. Take it or leave it.
The day that someone has to decide between me and another woman is the day I make that decision for them.
This. I know the 180 is hard but you need to stick with it. Also, are you in IC? You should get some support for yourself. I understand the fear, I totally do but you need to consider what you really want--whether YOU can be happy in this marriage again.
The thing is, forgive yourself. Do what YOU need to do - nothing is permanent, you have the complete right to change your mind later on. You need to do whatever YOU need to do to feel satisfied with your decisions and efforts. If you WANT to try to reconcile after your WS left for the OP, then try. Just try to work on yourself, get into therapy, be honest, and do things that reward yourself outside of the relationship (massages, coffee dates with good friends, yoga, whatever gives you some peace).
For me, I had to say out loud a lot in those early days; "I will not feel like this forever." I had to say it often and repeatedly.
Also, it takes a long, long time for a WS to come to terms with the truth of what they have done, and that changes things so much. I think it took 3-4 months for the man I knew to even BEGIN to return to my husband's body and to our marriage. So I think there is a lot of value in giving time to trying - measurement of years being reasonable.
It was horrible. I lost 80 pounds in the first year. I barely snuck by at work with the bare minimum and got an ulcer and lots of other health issues. Surviving infidelity is the toughest trial I have faced in my life thus far. Harder than childhood sexual abuse, the loss of my father as a teenager, and post-partum depression. They pale in comparison to the challenges I faced in that first year after discovery.
So, whatever you are feeling, you are doing great. You are beautiful, valuable, and an amazing partner for even considering reconciliation, so please take pride in that.
I guess my point is that you can put it back together if the two of you are willing and ready for a long period of work on both parts. I wish you lots of luck in the decision about what is best for you.
We are divorcing, but I still have a tiny shred of hope for us.
The next day I gave her an opportunity, she could have stayed in our house, we could go to consoling and try to reconcile, but she could never speak to her AP ever again. Period end of story. No time to work it out, and I wasn't going to be played with.
For me if we separated and she came back I'd always wonder if she was coming back because the AP didn't want her any more. I'd always feel like a back up plan. I'm too good to be anyone's back up plan.
I'm not trying to tell you what you should do, but most WS will keep both people on the line for as long as they can. You have the power to end it and there is no hope of R as long as the AP is still in his life.
Married 6 years. Dating 10. Living together 8.
If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world
- Harry Chapin