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katiescarlett posted 7/9/2014 08:05 AM

I thought things were going so well between us lately. I just couldn't shake off a feeling so I downloaded a free keylogger. This morning I found his very old aol (that he said he forgot) sn and password. There were e-mails about him wanting to get a quick bj from guys just yesterday. He told them he goes to the store almost every night, he does. I don't know what to do.

Lalagirl posted 7/9/2014 08:07 AM


Print out the e-mails and keep them in a safe place. Collect some evidence before you confront.

Do you have someone who can follow him?

katiescarlett posted 7/9/2014 08:09 AM

No. I just can't believe it. I thought I was just being paranoid and all I would find from the keylogger was the type of porn he watched.

cvs2kkids posted 7/9/2014 08:17 AM

1. Breath- it feels awful and probably will get worse, so you need to take care of you.
2. Save emails and have someone track him for sure
3. Go to a lawyer now!! Know your rights/obligations
4. Arrange for an std test. Even IFit was just oral, things can still be passed on.
5. IC would be good. Seems to be an awful lot of "bi-curious" ads these days. It's another added complication on top of the affair.

Take care of you!!

katiescarlett posted 7/9/2014 08:25 AM

I don't know how I'm going to be able to act normal today around him. I haven't confronted yet. I did that the last times and I never got the whole story.

Seeing a lawyer scares me. I don't think I'm ready for that.

shiloe posted 7/9/2014 08:45 AM

Whatever you do, don't tip your hand yet. You need to gather more evidence.

I know it is hard to do when you are hurting so much but it is important.

Pudding posted 7/9/2014 08:48 AM

Sorry you are here.

Remember that going to a lawyer does not necessarily mean D. It will help you line up the evidence and get your facts straight. A letter from a layers might kick him in to touch and lead to a full confession ( which might be even worse, but at least you will know). You do not have to go through with the D, but it helps you if you do later and right now sends the clear message you are not going to be messed with.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/9/2014 08:50 AM

Katie, you're so young and you've had more than your share of D-Days judging from your history down in your signature line.

This is just yet another D-Day. And this time, he's soliciting men for blowjobs.

When does it ever end?

You'd be real wise to follow the advice of going to a lawyer to find out exactly what you could expect should you have to part ways.

Don't you see that you're not even 30 years old and have been caught up in this cycle for years. He cheats, you forgive him, he cheats again, you forgive him again, he does it over and over and over and you forgive him over and over and over.

Even now, when you find out he's now soliciting men and picking up GOD KNOWS WHAT from other guys, you're still letting your fear root you to him.

He's a serial cheater and this is how your life will always be with him.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:52 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]

katiescarlett posted 7/9/2014 08:53 AM

I went on his aim chat and found phone numbers under his contacts. I am facebook searching them to see who they are. One was a girl he worked with and the other has my best friend as a mutual friend. I just can't fucking believe this shit is happening again.

cvs2kkids posted 7/9/2014 09:01 AM

Seeing a lawyer scares me. I don't think I'm ready for that.

Here's what you need to consider, he's just not screwing around with you, he's screwing around with your children.

You need to be a cold hearted beactch about this and know your rights.

I'm sorry, but at times you need to bury your sorrow and become strategical about it. As a previous poster mentioned, this fella has very little concern for you and your well being. I can almost guarantee in a few years you'll be wondering "what the hell was I thinking?!"

It's a scary journey, but not that scary. Once you get going, it gets manageable.

You need someone to lean on. BFF, Parents, sibling, whatever. I am also a Christian and relied heavily on my faith and prayer.

You need to get through this for those darling boys..Draw strength from that!!

katiescarlett posted 7/9/2014 09:04 AM

Should I message the girls I found on his aim chat and find out what they know?

katiescarlett posted 7/9/2014 09:20 AM

Ok, I contacted an attorney. I have my consulation at 9 am on Friday. I can't believe I just called a divorce attorney.

Edith posted 7/9/2014 09:28 AM

I contacted an attorney.

Great first step!!! We have your back, honey!

Should I message the girls I found on his aim chat

I am not sure what you are looking for here, but I might consider messaging them to say that they need to be tested for STDs.

Big hugs for you Katie. You are way too young to have to deal with something like this. There is life after divorce, and you deserve so much better than him. Take care.


BlueBlueEyes posted 7/9/2014 09:36 AM

We are all dealing with doubt and betrayal. The best advise I give myself is to step back and think a friend has told me this situation. How would I advise them? It helps me remove my own overwhelming emotion and think rationally. Good luck and be strong! And...never give up your REAL girl friends who will be with you through any crisis!

Lalagirl posted 7/9/2014 10:52 AM

Ok, I contacted an attorney.

Good job, sweetheart. Take your evidence with you.

Now, call your doc and get an appointment for an STD check.

We at SI always wish we could wave our proverbial magic wands and make all of the pain go away - for ourselves and for others - but we cannot - so we try to guide and advise when a member is overwhelmed and scared. We're with you - and will stay with you throughout all of this mess.

Regarding contacting the others - I'm hoping others will chime in here...I would say no - they will lie to you. Didn't you say that one was your mutual friend (or was that a "cover")?

norabird posted 7/9/2014 11:03 AM

Your WH is very very sick. He is risking everything to chase an awful high--willing to throw away your family for his illness. He needs to be in serious treatment--SA, 12 steps--and you can't make him commit to that. You have no other choice but to protect yourself.

Remember that every day, even these awful ones, is the first day of the rest of your life. There is a whole other life free of him that is out there for you. It's not easy or fun to get there..but it's worth it. You're worth it. Your boys are worth it.

I hope you can call in the cavalry to support you. Don't reach out to these women--they are not your concern. Focus on the steps you need to take, and be kind to yourself.

Schadenfreude posted 7/9/2014 11:58 AM

Miss Ohara, seeing a lawyer for a divorce consultation is a very good idea no matter how scary you may think it will be.

Knowledge equals power equals better decision making.
It is not better to hide your head in the sand. You'll never keep Tara if you won't help yourself.

You need to learn about divorce. YourWH is a liar and a cheat, and has endangered your health and life. I can't say it any plainer than that.

Imagree with Norabird. Sounds like a sex addict. And you cannot cure a sex addict. He needs professional help. You will be in for a long spell of heartache and anger if you try to help,him yourself. And unless he wants help, nobody can help him.

Detach as soon as possible. You cannot remain in a husband-wife relationship with him. It's simply unsafe.

katiescarlett posted 7/9/2014 12:03 PM

I confronted. He tried to deny until I told him I had the e-mails. I asked if there was anything else. He said no. I made him log onto his deactivated FB account. There were messages dating from 2011 to 2013 to several girls.
He broke down and told me he feels fat and just wants to be desirable. That he just talked and would never actually fool around. I know those words are straight out of the cheaters manual. I told him he needs counseling and ADs. He agreed. I told him I was still going to my consultation. He also told me he thinks he has a porn addiction. I saw on the keylogger how much he looked at before work. 12 porn movies in 40 minutes!

[This message edited by katiescarlett at 12:06 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]

steppingup posted 7/9/2014 12:11 PM

(HUGS TO YOU Katie) you are in deep, this is beyond probematic and I agree 100% with others here, for the sake of the CHILDREN you must take immediate action!!! Their lives are at stake as much as yours. It will not feel safe for a while but you will find a new place and a new safety soon. I am praying to God now for you and your little ones that He will shelter you from this and provide for your every need.

TimeToGo2014 posted 7/9/2014 12:12 PM

Wow, way to take control of the situation. Maybe he needs to understand you're not going to sweep his infidelities under the rug this time. Him feeling fat is a poor excuse for his poor choices. Generally speaking, people who feel fat and undesirable, change their eating habits and exercise, not get blowjobs by random men.

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