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Newest Member: MaggieO (60733)

User Topic: Habitual liar vs. habitual cheater
♀ 42607
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderimg what the difference is between habitual cheater and habitual liar?
If they don't fix the lying over silly stuff, are they more likely to cheat again?

Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 948 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: big blue nation
♀ 40139
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was definitely a connection for my WH. He had become a compulsive liar in the years leading up to the A. Telling the truth always in everything now has become very important for him. Essential, actually. Hiding behind lies and deceptions was a means of getting what he wanted while avoiding consequence or concern for the other person. Giving the truth forces him to own his choices and to be aware of how other people are impacted by them. He is also truthful about his feelings with me. It has been absolutely liberating for him to discover that the truth is not the enemy.

Part of what enables me to trust him is that I see him telling the truth everywhere. If he was still lying, I would be very concerned about another A. I doubt we would be in R.

Me: Believer, 40s
Him: Liar, 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R. It only hurts now when it rains.

Posts: 865 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that people who lie on a constant basis, especially about things that are not really that important in the grand scheme, are absolutely prone to cheat and to cheat again. This includes people, like my exwh, who are masters at lying by omission rather than making overt untrue statements.

Lying is a way to avoid conflict and to avoid having to engage in authentic conversations about thoughts and feelings. Cheating is a sign that someone is, among many other things, cowardly and conflict avoidant. It is an escape from what is staring you right in the face - much like telling a lie. There is no way they can't be related.

Either way, lying and cheating are both symptoms of fundamental character flaws. As we always say around here, cheaters are broken. Broken people suffer from fundamental character flaws that, if allowed to go unrecognized and unrepaired, will always resurface. It's just their nature. Unless they want to really see it, and do the tough and consistent work to try to change it, it's always going to be that way.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 3866 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 43876
Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

plainpain~ thank you for those words. I am dealing with a serial cheater and now I know a serial liar and your words rang very true to me. I only hope my WH can find the liberation the truth will provide so we can move on (together or alone) and make our lives better. Seeing the truth is what I am searching for...had not thought about it that way. he needs to show me he is a real person. Wow!

BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 29 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
In R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 115 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's the difference between an habitual liar and an habitual cheater? The cheating.

All cheaters are liars. Not all liars are cheaters. Are liars more prone to cheat? I don't know; I suspect that those who do not value truth and integrity do find it easier to slide down that slippery slope, to conceal their behaviors, to lie and hide and harbor secrets.

And for the subset of liars who cheat--then yes. ABSOLUTELY, there is a connection between the two behaviors. Until and unless the tendency toward dishonesty is addressed and corrected---replaced with different and more adaptive behaviors---then the risk of heading down the infidelity rabbit hole remains very real.

BS-me, 55; WX-irrelevant
Divorced after an eternity
"So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tenn

Posts: 15246 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 5

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