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How to R after S?

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Summerluv123 posted 7/9/2014 09:48 AM

Was not sure where to put this question...seems a lot in this forum are already set on D, but I am not there yet.

Right now we are S and WH is living with his parents. I am doing the 180 to the best of my ability, but I think my WH is out of the fog and desperately wants to R. I am not to the point of R, but I wonder how do you even go about R if we are S. How do you approach moving back in or do you? I did throw him out, he did not want to go, but that is why we are S. He has been out a little over 2 weeks.

We are both in IC and once we progress in that I would like to start MC. My IC said she even counsels couples who are divorcing so they do not carry that baggage to another relationship. That does make sense. She feels we should be apart for the time being, but it is hard when you don't see the other person to even gauge where they are at. We converse by text only and just superficial stuff. I have not even had a chance to get all of my questions asked of him at this point. I feel I deserve to know his truth and he said he is ready to tell me.

Do I break 180 to meet with him and get my questions answered? Do I just wait until MC and then ask him then? I have no clue when that will start. We did talk on the last 2 D-days' but that was talking in anger and I feel I need to sit down with him in a neutral location and have a civilized talk about what happened. Is that wrong?

sparkysable posted 7/9/2014 10:08 AM

3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
This concerns me. This is not a mistake, it's a pattern. A serial cheater like this is usually an indication of a very broken individual.

My IC explained it like this: Even with intensive, inpatient therapy for a year, she still could not guarantee that he could be fixed. She told me straight out that he would do it again.

I was not willing to risk that.

What is the situation with most recent AP?

Brave30 posted 7/9/2014 10:23 AM

IMO, it would take a lot longer than 2 weeks to even consider having him move back in. He has had several A's over the span of 14 years. Past behavior is a good indicator of what his future behavior will be.

I think you should continue the 180 and work on yourself. Cut off any communication that doesn't pertain to finances or children. If he really wants your marriage he will move heaven and earth to fix himself and all the damage he has caused. But, that is on him. Worry about you right now.

Sending you strength.

HeBrokeVows posted 7/9/2014 10:32 AM

I would take advantage of him being out of the house and separated to work in IC and your marital issues. 2 weeks isn't a lot of time. There is no rush. He needs intense IC for several months at least, he has a pattern of affairs. Remember, therapy gets rough and he needs to ride that out to come out the other side. You need that same amount of time to heal and work on your recovery in this all. I personally would save all discussions for MC at this time. Keep it safe for you and protect yourself and your feelings.

Summerluv123 posted 7/9/2014 10:39 AM

I worry about that too. But I know he is human and I feel I want to give him a chance to fix this issue, we did not try any type of therapy before. I do understand he is a very broken man.

I am really focused on myself, but I really feel I cannot start to heal me or work on my issues until I can resolve this in my mind. I have so many unanswered questions that I have horrible mind movies as I only know AP's side of it. I DO NOT want him to return right now. I really just wondered about doing the 180, but giving him an opportunity to share his truth. We have not had that conversation yet. I want it all out on the table so I can process it.

Whether we try to R that decision is in the future, but I wanted to know how it would work.

He is human and made lots of HUGE mistakes, but I do know anyone can change if they really want to. So I am not writing him off now. Not yet...

solus sto posted 7/9/2014 11:33 AM

Has he shown the inclination to "share his truth?"

I ask because most of us forced to separate from serial cheaters wish for this, but are with partners who do not share our interest. What is your WH's level of remorse? What is he doing to find the answers you need and ensure you receive them in a compassionate way?

You say you cannot heal without answers, that you need to know.

This is not true. You can heal whether you learn all of the "truth" or not.

A marriage will not survive if walls have been erected from secrets and lies. The WS will not grow as a human if s/he harbors secrets and lies, hiding from self and others. But the BS? We totally can survive and thrive in the absence of what we want to know.

It is difficult. It is difficult with answers and it is difficult without. But your healing is not dependent on details.

Work on YOU. Find peace. Locate resources you didn't know you possessed. Mostly, discover how very little you NEED from this man---so that you can the choose, informedly, whether you WANT him in your life.

There is no way to make sense of nonsense. So let go of what you cannot control. Focus on what you can. Observe the actions of this man. Is he working hard to understand himself? Is he moving heaven and earth to make amends? Is he even examining his whys? If not, he will not be able to confer understanding to you.

Until he's done the work in a sustained manner over considerable time, talk of R is premature.

Summerluv123 posted 7/9/2014 12:05 PM

Yes, WH has asked repeatedly to talk so he can tell me what has happened. I have been doing the 180 so I do not respond much. He states he wants to prove to us (me and the kids) that he can change and will change. I want to see if he that so wrong?

There is a song by Casting Crowns (Christian Rock), that is called Slow Fade. In one of his texts he asked me to listen to it. He said that was him. I listened and yep that is him to a "T". It says that "Daddies don't crumble in a day...Families don't crumble in a day" and its true. It has been a slow process and neglect of his family and our M that got him to this place.

**Not meaning to make this a religious post, but felt I needed to share that"**

I do think that WH is at a very low place and begs me to take him back. He has dropped off flowers while I am at work and he constantly texts how much he loves me and how sorry he is. At first, it think it was regret and fear making him say that, but now it seems like real remorse for what he has done. As of now I am not taking him back and I have stop responding to those texts.

He is in IC (2 visits so far) and I hope he aware he is in for the fight of his life as that is what it will take to show me that he is truly a changed man and that I can feel safe with him again. He is giving his IC permission to speak to mine so they can address issues as they arise before we get to MC. Kind of like a team approach to our IC. That is fine with me. My IC and I have already made a game plan on what I need to do to heal me. She said I deserved the whole truth.

I think I am going to wait until next week when I see her and get her input on how to go about getting the truth. Maybe the controlled setting of MC would be best.

Riskybusiness posted 7/9/2014 15:34 PM

I hear that you are feeling lost and confused and also longing to have marriage restoration. That is not wrong at all. Another Casting Crowns song, "Voice of Truth" has been comforting to me. HE will speak HIS truth to you as you listen and seek. Only HE knows what is right for your situation. Yes, we all make mistakes and there is room for forgiveness and grace. That being said, I highly encourage caution. While I imagine your heart is wounded and tender, do not be too quick to offer mercy without seeing true behavior change. You must believe his behavior, not just his remorseful words. Right now he is doing addict damage control and just trying to say what he needs to say to win you back. True heart change and even the realization of what that means takes time. He will need sobriety to even know what the truth is. If you meet for him to "tell all", don't believe it is really all. He likely can't truly face what he has done yet and his rationalization and denial will color his disclosure. Lean on your support people, continue IC, find a Celebrate Recovery group or something like that to keep you encouraged and accountable. You will make it through this, no matter the outcome. Proceed with caution.

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