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WH is a new man- I almost feel like I'm having an affair!

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jendo posted 7/9/2014 10:45 AM

This is all so weird. My dday was 3 months ago. My husband came out of the fog quickly and was kind of smacked upside the head with a bunch of reality. Not only did he screw up his marriage his career was a mess too. He was also abusing alcohol and just making all kinds of weird, very poor decisions.

The past 3 months have been exhausting peeling layer upon layer of garbage away. Fixing things along the way and trying to figure out what in the world has been the reality for both of us for the past 20 years of our marriage. In doing this we have both made a lot of changes. Him more than me, but I've changed too.

For the first time ever my husband feels like his brain is working right. He says that he is thinking clearer than he ever has. I can see evidence of this- he is finally making some headway with his career which had been a mess for a decade. He is sleeping at night and eating regularly. He is taking care of himself and spending good time with our children. He is loving and attentive to me. He puts his family first. He is making good choices overall and has firmed up his boundaries. No more spending hours hiding behind his phone or computer. No more going out after work with coworkers. No more alcohol.

All of this has fundamentally changed his personality. It is quite amazing really. He says that he finally feels like he grew up. He told me back after dday that he hated who he was. I didn't recognize him either and didn't like what I was seeing. He told me it wasn't who he wanted to be. It is so weird because the man he is now is someone I want to be around. Which has made it easy for me to make needed changes too. I was a control freak for so long, but I had to control because he was out of control. I was a stressed out mess and I finally have the freedom to let my guard down a little. My feelings were so bottled up and now I can laugh and cry.

Anyways, last night we spent some time together and I realized that I love this man that he has become. It hasn't been long and I know time will prove whether or not he can maintain this, but he is definitely a new and improved edition of himself. I almost feel like we are having an affair with one another- we both are so different and so improved from who we were. But not an affair in a bad way- in a good way. Does that make sense?

Trust me, I still am cautious. I still do question. I still am looking for any signs of betrayal. We still discuss the A. It is very clear that I have not forgotten.

eachdayisvictory posted 7/9/2014 11:24 AM

I think that's wonderful!

I also think that your positive feelings toward your H are a blessing and will help you get through the hard work of recovery from this trauma.


LostJo posted 7/9/2014 11:41 AM

so happy for you, and yes, it makes sense to me.
My FWH also says dday was a slap to the head. One that he desperately needed. I am a little farther out than you and there are still bad days but we are for the most part happy, almost like we are dating and building a new and better life. He leaves little love notes, buys me flowers, texts me just to ask how my day is going, etc... I sometimes joke that he doesn't have to keep kissing my ass, he says he is not kissing my ass but doing the things he should have been doing all along. Like Dr. Laura says "never stop being your husband's girlfriend" and vise versa. We still have a lot of work to do, but we both have decided we are worth it, our family is worth it. We have a lot of fun together, we have great kids. We will overcome this! Good luck to you

Me: BS 45 yrs old
Him: WS 45 yrs old
Married 21 years
3 children, 18,16,12
D-Day 10/31/13
Length of affair: 4 months

ILINIA posted 7/9/2014 13:40 PM

Loved reading this and thanks for sharing!

I can see that WH is becoming a different person, but I'm not quite at the point you are. He also feels the A was his rock bottom and that the "scales fell from his eyes". For the first time in a long time, he feels like he is living verses just being a shell of a person tolerating life.

Congrats to both of you and the work you put in!

ckss4 posted 7/9/2014 13:58 PM

wow...thanks for gives me hope....congratulations!

peaceBmine posted 7/9/2014 16:01 PM

Thank you so much for posting this. I have been lurking the site for a couple of weeks and your post finally pushed me to register and comment. I haven't written out my story yet, but I do hope to at some point. I too am almost 3 months out from DDay (6 month EA briefly turned PA just before DDay). I very often struggle with how happy we are. I read on here and other blogs, etc about the amount of time healing takes and almost feel guilty for being happy. Things moved very quickly after Dday as there was no "fog" and very little additional contact with the AP after Dday (there were some words said in passing that my husband told me about, but I don't consider these a breach of NC and probably more helpful than anything.) Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days or moreso "moments", but we are happy. We've taken an extended vacation, spend a TON of time together enjoying each other, and best of all DISCUSSED many things from our 20+ year marriage and 10+ years together prior to marriage that we had just ignored previously. I still have moments of doubt, but I LOVE this new husband that I have.

I really struggle now with going with my actual feelings (ones of happiness, love, and enjoyment) versus thinking about how I SHOULD be feeling at less than 3 months out. While we are not in counseling (and probably won't), we are doing the hard work together to fix each of us, accept our responsibility, and move forward into a new life together.

Thank you for letting me know that I am not crazy- that I'm not alone. I am staying diligent knowing that there very well could be hard times ahead as we grow, but for now, for this moment...I am choosing to be happy with this new husband I have.

Skan posted 7/10/2014 15:21 PM

peaceBmine, welcome! I'm glad that you decided to join in and post!

I'm liking the new version of my FWH as well. A lot. I'm struggling still with changes that his infidelity have caused in me that I don't like. I'm so much less confident in crowds and meeting new people. I've always been claustrophobic, but now I'm fighting panic attacks as well. Having him be there for me is, at times, the only thing that gets me through social situations with strangers any more.

jendo posted 7/10/2014 18:32 PM

Those of you who have said you have made changes too I get that. REally we both are new people. I used to be very controlling- but I had to be because he was out of control. I was not very emotional- not happy or sad. I now laugh and cry easier. I think I had to be in control even of my own emotions. I would not rely on him because he was not reliable. Now I find myself at times to even be a little needy- that is very new for me. But I like having him take charge sometimes. Our new selves seem to mesh much better. It's like we both blew up and are piecing ourselves back together again in a way that we work better together. It's so strange.

peaceBmine posted 7/14/2014 21:40 PM

Skan and Kendo....oh how I can relate. :(

tl502 posted 7/15/2014 08:14 AM

I realized while reading this, that I too spent years trying to get control of our marriage when I had only part of the info I needed and a partner that was too busy hiding things and chasing his own "happiness" to fully engage in the relationship.
I guess that might explain while things feel so much better now. I like my h much better now as well. Its not just because hes trying, but also because hes present in our m as well. Something to think about today.

jendo posted 7/15/2014 08:21 AM

Being present was a big thing for us too. My husband is finally present and it's a good thing.

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