The past 3 months have been exhausting peeling layer upon layer of garbage away. Fixing things along the way and trying to figure out what in the world has been the reality for both of us for the past 20 years of our marriage. In doing this we have both made a lot of changes. Him more than me, but I've changed too.
For the first time ever my husband feels like his brain is working right. He says that he is thinking clearer than he ever has. I can see evidence of this- he is finally making some headway with his career which had been a mess for a decade. He is sleeping at night and eating regularly. He is taking care of himself and spending good time with our children. He is loving and attentive to me. He puts his family first. He is making good choices overall and has firmed up his boundaries. No more spending hours hiding behind his phone or computer. No more going out after work with coworkers. No more alcohol.
All of this has fundamentally changed his personality. It is quite amazing really. He says that he finally feels like he grew up. He told me back after dday that he hated who he was. I didn't recognize him either and didn't like what I was seeing. He told me it wasn't who he wanted to be. It is so weird because the man he is now is someone I want to be around. Which has made it easy for me to make needed changes too. I was a control freak for so long, but I had to control because he was out of control. I was a stressed out mess and I finally have the freedom to let my guard down a little. My feelings were so bottled up and now I can laugh and cry.
Anyways, last night we spent some time together and I realized that I love this man that he has become. It hasn't been long and I know time will prove whether or not he can maintain this, but he is definitely a new and improved edition of himself. I almost feel like we are having an affair with one another- we both are so different and so improved from who we were. But not an affair in a bad way- in a good way. Does that make sense?
Trust me, I still am cautious. I still do question. I still am looking for any signs of betrayal. We still discuss the A. It is very clear that I have not forgotten.
I also think that your positive feelings toward your H are a blessing and will help you get through the hard work of recovery from this trauma.
Me: BS 45 yrs old
Him: WS 45 yrs old
Married 21 years
3 children, 18,16,12
Length of affair: 4 months
I can see that WH is becoming a different person, but I'm not quite at the point you are. He also feels the A was his rock bottom and that the "scales fell from his eyes". For the first time in a long time, he feels like he is living verses just being a shell of a person tolerating life.
Congrats to both of you and the work you put in!
I really struggle now with going with my actual feelings (ones of happiness, love, and enjoyment) versus thinking about how I SHOULD be feeling at less than 3 months out. While we are not in counseling (and probably won't), we are doing the hard work together to fix each of us, accept our responsibility, and move forward into a new life together.
Thank you for letting me know that I am not crazy- that I'm not alone. I am staying diligent knowing that there very well could be hard times ahead as we grow, but for now, for this moment...I am choosing to be happy with this new husband I have.
I'm liking the new version of my FWH as well. A lot. I'm struggling still with changes that his infidelity have caused in me that I don't like. I'm so much less confident in crowds and meeting new people. I've always been claustrophobic, but now I'm fighting panic attacks as well. Having him be there for me is, at times, the only thing that gets me through social situations with strangers any more.
D-Day, June 10, 2012