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Update, back in psych hosp

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DeadMumWalking posted 7/9/2014 11:41 AM

Sorry to all the folks needing support, have been offline again for more than a month.

25 May, went voluntarily to psych hosp for a planned 'rest' as things were getting over the top at home. 2 days later was granted a home visit. A few hours later shit hits fan and I just NEED TO CALM DOWN.

So I took a lorazepam/ativan (1 mg). Then another. and another. stopped a 23. (I didn't even know I had that many lying around.) WH takes me back to the psych hosp, who then send me to the reg hosp for the od. Next day back in locked ward at the psych hosp for, well, it's been 6 weeks so far.

They took away anything I could used to hurt myself - like computer charger. Well, my computer will only work a few more minutes without charger, so bye-bye computer and SI, hello haloperidol and (ironically) lorazepam.

I have graduated to the unlocked ward, have had a few home visits (but still sedated, so not much inclination to do anything but lie around), and am looking for ward to going home for good in another week or so. Am off the sedation and back to my 'regular' meds (effexor and seroquel). Feeling mostly pretty good/normal. On a home visit now to watch the holland-argentina semi.

I hope I will little by little be back - both here and irl.

In the mean time, big group hug to all of you suffering out there. Been there, doing that.

((((SI))))

Pass posted 7/9/2014 11:57 AM

I'm glad you're getting the help you need. I remember my stay in the psych ward as being the hard reboot I needed to get my life back on track. Please take care.

deena04 posted 7/9/2014 11:58 AM

Thoughts and hope to you. I hope to see you up and feeling a bit better soon.

Jrazz posted 7/9/2014 11:58 AM

Take care of yourself, DMW. We're here for YOU right now.

DeadMumWalking posted 7/9/2014 12:34 PM

Thanks for the kind words.

Pass: hard reboot - yep, that's what it feels like. Why couldn't I learn better the first time

This time, I am beginning to feel like I'm 'getting it'. Starting to feel more like myself. Hope it sticks better.

Pass posted 7/9/2014 12:39 PM

Why couldn't I learn better the first time

I think there is a limit to how much recovery we can do at one time. I'm sure you did/learned some important stuff the first time around, and you'll do the same this time.

For me, the aftercare has been most important. I was there in February 2012, and I'm still seeing a shrink once a week. While the hard reboot was vital, this weekly maintenance is huge as well. Will you have some good aftercare set up?

soccermom9 posted 7/9/2014 13:47 PM

Hang in there! Together we will all make it thru these hard times!

DeadMumWalking posted 7/9/2014 14:01 PM

As for aftercare, I will continue with my regular shrink 1-2 times per week. In addition, my (imminent) release certificate will be conditional on attending a day hospital for a few weeks to a month. Defining the exact parameters of that is still pending, but it will probably be something like hospital-organized individual and group activities for a half-day 2-4 times per week.

So there is substantial aftercare. I didn't have the day hospital component after my previous hospitalization.

Thanks again for the support, you guys are the greatest!!

dmari posted 7/9/2014 14:04 PM

(((((DeadMumWalking))))) x1000 more hugs. So glad you are alive and taking care of you.

Pass posted 7/9/2014 14:18 PM

So there is substantial aftercare. I didn't have the day hospital component after my previous hospitalization.

I'm so glad to hear that! It could make all the difference this time.

solus sto posted 7/9/2014 15:47 PM

((((DMW)))) Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Ostrich80 posted 7/9/2014 16:02 PM

((DMW)). Happy to hear your doing better.!!!

Kajem posted 7/9/2014 22:08 PM

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. It sounds like things are coming together for your aftercare.

Hugs,
K

homewrecked2011 posted 7/9/2014 22:14 PM

Glad you are getting help. You get to be the person to see your sons become men. Plz continue with aftercare , it helped me a lot.

Skan posted 7/10/2014 14:06 PM

I'm glad that you got help. (((hugs))) It's good to hear from you again!

StillStanding1 posted 7/10/2014 16:15 PM

Please take care of yourself. (((DMW)))

Your boys need their Mum -- today and always.

I hope you continue to heal and feel better. One day at a time.

selkiescot posted 7/10/2014 16:18 PM

Take care of yourself! Saying lots of prayers for your peace and strength,

WinterBranch posted 7/10/2014 16:48 PM

Dear DMW,

I am sorry for your pain, but am so happy you got help.

I hope you get everything you need. After that, I hope you get what you want as well.

This pain...it's not for the faint of heart, is it? You are a true warrior, and I honor you.

Onward and upward! And I hope you feel better every single day.

Much love,
WB

mychild posted 7/10/2014 19:10 PM

Wow. Have you always been on edge or is this because of your husband's emotional affair? If it's because you can't handle your husband's emotional affair and you deal with it with trying to commit suicide - no I won't step around the fact that you did try to kill yourself - I suggest you get out of this marriage.

Your husband has a long term emotional affair and seems to work a lot and you are in the psych ward again and yet no words about how your 3 teens are doing.

I grew up with an emotionally unstable mother who was depressed and not there for me because she was so depressed and a father who was physically there but again not emotionally. My mother finally killed herself with food - on death cert - obesity. I was neglected during my childhood which includes teenage years because of my parents obsession with the self. I didn't understand that I married a man who would then disregard me also.

I feel so sorry for your teens. I hope someone cares about them.

[This message edited by mychild at 7:11 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]

Pass posted 7/10/2014 21:38 PM

That's pretty harsh, Mychild. Just because DMW didn't mention the kids in her post, it doesn't mean they're not on her mind. It means they weren't part of the topic of the post.

Depression does a real job on your priorities. You know that your kids are still important to you, but the illness can convince you that you're so worthless they'd be better off without you. That's what gives depressed parents the ability to kill themselves. It truly is horrible. I was there, and it just made sense to me at the time.

I understand that you were on the other end of this, and it was its own kind of hell. I don't want you to think I'm belittling your pain. However, please don't pass judgement on a person who is in her hour of greatest need. She feels enough unjustified guilt and poor self esteem.

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